The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

Well, I survived.  We hosted DJ’s FIRST BIRTHDAY celebration at our home on Saturday.  I was afraid I’d never make it through the day without crying, but I actually did.  In fact, the day was a whirlwind, which hardly allowed me a sentimental moment.

As we were going to bed that night, I was desperately trying to recall each detail of the day.  Was DJ excited when the first guest showed up?  Did she realize the balloons were shaped like ducks?  Was the homemade guacamole a huge hit?  Had the wine chilled long enough?  Did I remember to put a scooper in the bowl of goldfish crackers?  What was DJ’s expression when she tasted whipped cream for the first time?  All of these thoughts swirling through my already exhausted mind, and I was immediately taken back to memories of our wedding day.

Oddly enough, DJ’s first birthday party reminded me of our wedding day.  While I knew it was a beautiful day, and one of the most significant moments we’d ever celebrate – it was also a total fog.  Why is that?  Why are the best memories such a blur?  The moments we are supposed to celebrate should call for us to be completely present, but instead we are busy playing gracious host, we are making important introductions, we are BBQ’ing the burgers, and we are running in and out of the kitchen.  Even with the help of so many others, half the day, I kept asking “Who has my kid?”

I had looked so forward to DJ’s party.  I had spent too much money, stayed awake too many hours, and tapped into too many “Martha Stewart Living” magazines to have missed so much.  In a perfect world, I could have hired professionals to do all of the catering, and worrying, so that everyone who was there to enjoy DJ could have done just that.

Now, it’s not to say that the party wasn’t a huge a success – and that our guests didn’t have a blast – but, at the end of the day, I sure missed my girl.  I suppose I will learn that this is the way party-planning goes……just like a mother, the party-planner inevitably ends up behind the scenes making sure it all runs well for the birthday-princess-of-honor.

Thank God for photos.

A few weeks ago we were eating dinner at a friend’s house and the conversation turned to the Recession.  My friend’s husband owns his own company also, so the conversation naturally ended at how each of our businesses were surviving the storm.  And yes by storm I mean “The Recession” (I am using my hands and making quotations for those people that we are out of it….that is another post altogether).  It is refreshing to talk to another owner, to hear what they are doing, how they are handling things – especially when the other party is totally honest.  I like honesty. I tend to fight the urge to roll my eyes when someone tells me sales have never been better, prices are up – people are spending….oh and they always tell me what I am doing wrong.  Yep, those are some fun conversations for me - biting my tongue and nodding lots.  I do not know how much fun it is for ‘non’ business owners, but for me, I enjoy it.

After we stopped talking shop, my husband turned me to and said I should not have shared that much.  He did not think I needed to be so open with our struggles. I wish I could have agreed with him, however I am almost a complete open book.  Honesty is the best medicine when discussing business.  I mean what is wrong with being honest?  It is not like I have a huge investment firm backing my company, INC. Magazine is not doing a profile, and my VP of Sales (that would be me) is not suing me…..honesty is good, I think.

I felt when he asked “How is business?” he honestly wanted to know.  And whether he was sincere or not, I will never know.  But now I don’t know if he meant that he really wanted to know.  I wonder if I made him feel uncomfortable with my raw honesty.  I was honest, but I was not graphic.  It is not like I pulled up my shirt to show off my appendix scar – I just told him some truths.  He nodded, he sympathized, and thankfully he did not give me some marketing advice.  Maybe in the future I will be more hesitant with information – though I doubt it.  You really can not cage this tiger.

I recently read an article by Seth Godin that talked about how people, when they asked you a question about how you were, they wished you would say “Just fine.”  Sometimes I do that…wait, no I don’t .  If you ask me a question you are getting honesty.  I mean not an honest assessment about me and my husband in the bedroom, I am not that open.  Yet, my business, I will share with you what has worked, what has not, and what I am doing.

I don’t mind telling some people about our situation but sometimes, the topic just comes up, “So when are you two having kids?”

My husband and I have been together for a very long time and it seems like everyone around us is getting pregnant. Every function that I go to, there is at least one person pregnant or one person that just gave birth. Some of them are the same folks that we see every month and some are folks that we see a few times a year.

It’s always either, “we’re trying” or “we plan to.” I feel like we’ve been saying this forever and all the time. I don’t want to get too deep with everyone, but what do I say? For some, I’ve been warning them, like asking if they are on the pill, how long have they been, and to encourage them to get off of it and to use other alternative methods.

When the topic of babies come up, some of the folks that have heard us say that we want to or trying, are wondering what’s going on. I don’t mind telling some people our situation, but sometimes, I don’t even want to talk about it. I am trying so hard to not stress about it, which was an advice from some folks, and to just let it be. I was told that when you stress, it makes it harder, so I just want to forget about it and let it come, but I can’t help but to feel stressed out again or discouraged when the topic comes up. We’re supposed to be at an event with happy vibes and positive energies, but when we come back to this subject, I try so hard to keep a happy face. I laugh it off and switch the question on them or bring something else up, but I get very down.

I feel so broken. It’s already been like what, almost a year! My family keeps asking, which adds onto the pressure. Every time we go out and see babies, they always comment on them and have this look like when are we going to have one. Believe me, if I could, I would get twins now. I am sure you all recall my “twins diet” that I was on, which was a total bogus. The only thing that I got from that stupid diet was 11 pounds! It was pretty easy though, since I love food. I love cereal, desserts, peanut butter, and bread.

At least I am closer towards the time my period should be coming.  That means, after my period, I hope to see some better results from my ovulation kit.  I am trying to stay positive, but I just have this wierd feeling that something is going to go wrong.  After 3 months of my taking those pills and then getting excited toward the end, only to find out that the ovulation kit keeps giving me a negative result, I don’t know what to do.  I am really praying to see my period.   My doctor says to give it a month afterwards.  Geez! Another month.

This week I wanted to write about one of the dichotomies of my experience of being a single dad. I’ve been divorced for almost 15 years now, I think. When I went through the divorce, my children, and I’ve been told this is a common thing, had visions of their mom and dad getting back together. Sometimes they would try to engineer a situation so that fantasy would come to fruition.

As time went by though, they began to realize that mom and dad were leading separate lives, seeing a whole lot less of each other, and the opportunities to get us to spend time together became a whole lot less frequent.

As they got a bit older, even before they reached the teen set, I realized there was a different mindset as I began to date and attempt that thing they call a relationship. What my children desired had actually changed. While their mother had remarried and had a new baby, I was not in that place.

I spent a lot of time during the early part of the divorce, taking them to a lot of places and trying to expose them to new things. I was fortunate enough to have a good paying job that allowed me to pay child support and travel a bit with them. So, it was no real surprise to me that when I did have a woman in my life, my children expressed to me things like “When is she going to leave?” and “Why can’t you just spend time with us until we graduate and then you can find someone new for you?”

I know it may sound like a selfish thing for them to say, but really I was happy just to hear them speaking to me openly like that. Of course, it’s not realistic to believe that was a possibility, at least not for me, but that’s how they felt then.

Today, with my oldest daughter (21) engaged, my son (19) beginning to make a run at moving out on his own, and my youngest daughter (16) a junior in high school beginning to experience teen life at jet speeds, my children now desire a little something different.

Now, and dare I say finally?, they want me to spend time finding someone who is going to make me happy. It’s an odd feeling having your children sizing up potential partners. It’s been an adjustment fending off questions that apparently are not pushing the limits of privacy these days in school, but in my book, what happens with Las Dadas, stays with… well, you get the picture!

My children are respectful and haven’t crossed the line with my dates. On the contrary, they welcome them in with open arms if I seem to be happy. The date-o-meter is an odd thing as a Total Teen Dad. I guess it’s helped me in a way to understand what they are going through when they are going through the nuances of dating.

I know it’s called the Dating Game, but it’s really much more than a game, isn’t it? To some teens, it’s the kiss of death, but to others it’s a fresh breath of air. To Total Teen Dad, well, I’m quite happy right now.  Thank you.

Facebook, Twitter and blogs are full of back to school photos.  I’ve always loved this time of year: brand new backpacks and lunchboxes, blank notebooks waiting to be filled with doodles or stories or math problems, new clothes and shoes, a new teacher and possibly new classmates.  A chance to start fresh and the anticipation of learning new things. A new school year, a blank slate.  I think my excitement is contagious.

Literally billions of children around the world are starting school. Millions of mothers across the country are sending kids off to kindergarten. So many little kids getting their first taste of “real” school. But this one…

This one is mine. My third and final baby on his first day of kindergarten.

I got choked up a little three years ago when I dropped my older two off at kindergarten. But when my little boy hung his backpack up, walked into the classroom and immediately wrote his name on the SmartBoard, I had to put my sunglasses back on to hide the tears.

He’s been my side kick for the past five plus years. Only leaving my side for eight hours and fifteen minutes a week. He’s tagged along to doctors appointments, hair appointments, meetings, lunch dates, errands and more errands, and volunteering at the school he now walks into comfortable enough to put his name on the board on the first day. “I’ll have to bring my son along,” has been my mantra.

Yes, this one is mine. Mine that I will miss terribly no matter how much I have been anticipating having some time to go to the gym and grocery shop by myself.

I am grateful for every poem I’ve read from his most favorite book sitting in our favorite chair, every matchbox car race where I came in 2nd place, every time I said yes to his favorite restaurant rather than my favorite salad bar. I’m grateful even for the trips to Target and Trader Joe’s that took me three times as long as they should have.

Tomorrow I’ll start in on the looooong list of projects I’ve been saving up for the past five years. Today I kind of miss my sidekick.

I have spent the last hour catching up on family blogs and Facebook posts. All over the internet are pictures of kids heading off to the first day of school. I love to see the shiny smiles (because it is still new and exciting and everyone has carefully combed hair) and new backpacks (still clean and holding their shape because they haven’t been used as footballs or pillows or projectiles yet). Fall is in the air and the promise of routine and schedule surrounds parents with a familiar welcome.

We are putting off all that stuff because we are still in Hawaii. The kids are missing their first three days of school. My fifth grader is wearing her first day of school outfit in protest (long pants and a heavy shirt) and refusing to go to the beach (cry me a river). The kindergartener keeps hoping we will forget to send him when he gets home. He keeps giving us helpful suggestions like “Hey, I have an idea, maybe we should live in Hawaii?” and “I think kids don’t have to go to school here. Let’s stay”. Tempting.

LG has been in school for 4 days now.  She cried on the first day which was really weird for me because she never cried once at preschool drop off.  I was actually shocked.  I realize now that we had made SUCH A BIG DEAL about kindergarten that she was overwhelmed.  She stopped within 2 minutes, she was fine and LOVED every minuteof the first day.

Yesterday was the first full day of school.  Her kindergarten runs from 8:00 a.m.-3:00 p.m.  She cried again when I dropped her off yesterday.  I actually left her at school crying.  Her teacher assured me she would probably stop when I was out of site.  I actually wasn’t worried.  I didn’t even feel bad for leaving her crying.  I knew she would be fine and we had made such a big deal about the LONG day that she was overwhelmed.  I learned a few things the past few days about my child!

LG is off having a great time every day and I am BORED OUTTA MY MIND!!!!  I have been a stay at home mom now for 5 years.  I have filled my days with playdates, freelance work and LG.  NOw that there are no more playdates, etc. I have nothing to do.  I can only do laundry and clean so much, right.

Truth be told, I am looking for a job.  I have been looking for the past 8 months.  I probably haven’t been looking as hard as I could because I knew that I had some time before LG started school and my goal has always been to get her to the start of kindergarten.  Now that she is settled it is time for me to work.  I am really excited about this!  I am really not cut out to be at home all the time.  If I had more children then maybe I would be content to be home but I don’t think so.  Even if I have another child, I know for me that I will need to work.

For now while LG is at school, I have started running again.  I am going through things and getting rid of stuff we have been holding onto for years that we don’t need.  I am “cleaning house.”  It is about to me “me” time and I am so ready for it.  Bring on the jobs!!!!

Several weeks ago, a good friend of mine said “Now, if you start getting depressed as you approach DJ’s ONE YEAR birthday, don’t freak out – it’s normal.  Your baby is growing up.”  This warning was just like the one I received right before my  30^th birthday, which I totally laughed off.  I mean, after all, what’s so big about another year?

Well, on my 30^th birthday, I was in the car with my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband).  I forget what exactly tipped me off, but I spiraled downward quickly and reached “sobbing mess” status within seconds.  Out of nowhere, it hit me that I wasn’t engaged, wasn’t headed toward marriage, I didn’t have babies, and I didn’t have washboard abs.  My life, in that moment, felt like it had comprised of wasted goals and unrealized dreams.  Ridiculous, right?  It was, after all, just another year…..

Well, here I am, just about 3 years later – married, with a baby (yet still without washboard abs).  I am totally fulfilled, totally content (and still totally obsessed over wanting a body that lands me on the cover of some trendy magazine!)  And yet, I have, once again, become a blubbering idiot!

DJ is turning ONE in just a few weeks.  Her FIRST birthday party is this weekend.  Suddenly, we are the parents of the birthday girl!  WOW – we’ve never been THOSE people before.  Aside from spending an exorbitant amount of money on decorations to match DJ’s “rubber ducky” themed party, I have been so darn weepy!

I cannot believe it’s been a year.  It literally feels like yesterday when I felt her warm body against my chest for the first time.  I can still close my eyes, and feel that overwhelming moment when I heard her first cry and looked into her sweet face.  In that very second, my life was redefined.  My priorities shifted naturally.  My dreams had become reality.  I had become a mom.  DJ was my daughter – and I would get to love her forever.  A year ago…with my husband as my birthing coach, our life became complete.

When I think of the ways we’ve been blessed, I can’t help but get sentimental.  No one warned me about the intensity of the love that I would feel in knowing my daughter, and in watching her grow – or maybe they did, but their words (much like my own) failed to express the gravity of such emotion.

I recently came across a song by the Dixie Chicks called Lullaby.  It’s a sweet, sweet song about a mother’s love for her child.  My favorite lines go,  “Life began when I saw your face, And I hear your laugh like a serenade. How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough? How long do you want to be loved?  Is forever enough? Cause I’m never, never giving you up.”

When I cradle DJ in my arms, and my heart overflows with love – I honestly do wonder if forever is enough.  I mean, in just this first year of her life, I have discovered spaces in my heart that I never knew existed.  Will forever truly be enough time to explore and embrace the wonder and joy of parenting?

(And, there we go – first cry of the day!)

Do you remember the Staples back to school commercial from a few years ago, where the Dad is riding a shopping cart through the store?  His two children are sulking and walking slowly behind him as he tosses school supplies into the cart, all while the Christmas song, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” plays?  Ya – that one.  I feel like that right about now.   

But it not because I crave routine, or my kids are fighting over the wii and we have all had a little toomuch family time….well okay, it is sort of that.   Everyone I know has gone on some fabulous/exotic vacation.  My friends and family have been to Tahoe, Disneyland, Mexico, Spain, England, Canada, Germany, Japan, China, Vegas, Arizona, Palm Springs, New York, Yellowstone….and at least 34 of ‘em have gone to Hawaii.   What I really can’t wait for is to not open up Facebook every frickin’ morning to see one more person post a  57 fabulous pictures of their vacationing. 

I get it, life is fabulous when you are on vacation and you want to share it with the rest of us feeble poor people that are at our office working, while you sashay around the world.  I see the happy lightly sun-kissed pictures of your kids, the unbelievable sunset, the expensive foofy drinks with umbrellas you and your spouse drink poolside.  The truth is I am jealous, okay.  I am, I am, I am – and I am sure everyone else is too. 

Worse than the vacations are the Staycations (don’t ya hate that word? It is so lame and over used in “these tough Economic Times“).  The Stay at home Moms post pictures all day, every day of some little remarkable place they have visited in Northern California.  I have found myself clicking through someone’s photos only to find my son behind me, peeking at the places I did not take him this summer.  I want to take the day off and go to miniature golf, Great America, Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Marine World, Muir Woods, Berkley, The Academy of Science and then top the night off with dinner in China Town.   And, yes I am jealous of all you too most days.

 I wonder if that is why people  okay we post 45 photos of our amazing vacation, unless they want people to be jealous.  I would actually like to see the other pictures every once in awhile.  You know where the kids are fighting, a child is crying, Mom is yelling and throwing the foofy drink at Dad….now those would be worth posting.  But, let’s face it no one (including me) is ever going to post those pictures.  Every Time a camera comes out we all start babbling if the photo is going to be “Facebook Worthy” and the “Don’t you dare post this on Facebook without my permission!”  (Ya, I got that speech once).

 Well I have had it – I am going on vacation!  I am getting in one last mini-vacation next week.  It is not super glamorous and their won’t be a $12.00 cocktail for miles around – but it will be beautiful and their will be a river and wineries.  Jealous yet?  You will be….oh wait, I will just make sure and post 65 some odd photos of my trip when I get back.  That ought to get ya!