The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

After doing much research, it sounds like my body may be producing its own hormones, which means…I might be able to finally try?  I don’t want to get worked up for nothing because I know where all that got me, but here is what I found on www.steadyhealth.com (http://www.steadyhealth.com/article/Signs_and_symptoms_of_menstruation_a742.html_:

What are the signs and symptoms of menstruation?

Symptoms that might be felt around the time of menstruation:

•    Cramping, bloating, and sore breasts
•    Water retention
•    Pelvic pressure
•    Backache
•    Food cravings
•    Difficulty concentrating
•    Mood swings and irritability
•    Headache and fatigue

on Around 85% of women report some emotional or physical changes around the time their period occurs. If these physical and emotional symptoms are severe, it might be a sign of premenstrual syndrome (PMS).  PMS usually occurs one or two weeks before menstruation and is brought on by rising and falling hormonal levels just before the period begins.

–

Based on the reading above, I have to say that a week prior to seeing a period, I did notice very enlarged breasts and sore nipples.  I was so shocked about this that I had to show my husband.  He looked at me and laughed and asked why I was flashing him and if I was trying to seduce him. Sillly man!  I told him to look at my nipples carefully.  Even he noticed that they looked larger.  I also recall having back aches and strange food cravings.  All of these symptoms, which I haven’t felt in a very LONG time.  But then again, why did I keep getting negative results on the ovulation kit? The hubs thinks I read it wrong.  I did get 2 stripes but one was a bit lighter?  I am still confused, nevertheless…

I am finally done with my period and I was really debating on buying another ovulation kit, but I don’t know if I want to spend another $18! I’ve already spent over $60.  The hubby thinks that we should just try it.  I believe there is a time when one does ovulate after their period.  I checked out http://www.americanpregnancy.org/gettingpregnant/ovulationfaq.htm:

By using a combination of methods such as studying cervical fluid, taking your body temperature, and tracking your periods, you can calculate your time of ovulation. The American Pregnancy Association encourages women to learn about the fertility awareness method of tracking cycles and then combine that with ovulation predictor kits to best understand when you are ovulating. The Association estimates that this is anywhere between 11-21 days since the last menstrual period (LMP), or 12-16 days from when you expect the next menstrual period to start. Order Fertility Kit or Monitor

OK, let’s scratch that ovulation kit idea.  Like I said, I don’t want to waste more money.  They did say this:

Can I ovulate right after my period?

The answer to this is determined by how many days are in your cycle. For example, if you have a 21 day cycle ( from the beginning of one period to the beginning of another) and you bleed for 7 days, then yes, you could ovulate right after your period. This is because we know ovulation can occur 12-16 days before your next period begins, and this would put you ovulating at days 6-10 of your cycle.

OK, so I don’t know how my cycle is since it’s too early to determine this, but sounds like I better just start trying like almost every day!  This can be fun but I don’t want to get all obsessive about it…

I like Halloween as much as the next mother who asks their children to take candy from strangers and eat Twizzler’s for breakfast for the next month before I throw away a melting sack of sticky leftover crud next Easter.   And dressing up is really not my thing.  All three of my kids are going as skeleton’s this year.   It will make for super cute photos but things were a little touch and go there for a while when I had to search high and low for skeleton costumes for eight year old girls that didn’t also come with fish net stockings and a mini-skirt made out of black lace.

But there is one Halloween ritual that I look forward to every year.  Pumpkin carving.  Picasso had his canvas, Beethoven his piano. For Rodin it was bronze, for Adams his lens.  For me, it is a squash.

I have to admit that my family and I love pumpkin carving. Love. It. We have a whole lot of fun coming up with our silly designs every year.  We flip through magazines and books looking for silly and spooky designs.  Then we spend an embarrassing amount of time at the local pumpkin patch picking out the perfect pumpkins with just the right shape for our chosen design.

My  husband is in charge of the actual carving.  The kids sketch their ideas and scoop the seeds.  I whip up my secret spice mix and pre-heat the oven for seed roasting.  My husband makes requests for tools such as our sharpest knives, a drill or a mini-saw.  He is such a perfectionist when if comes to carving that last year we started after breakfast and finished just in time to enjoy our traditional meal of Pumpkin Carving Day — crockpot chili.  We must do this on October 30th, as the shelf life of a carved pumpkin in California is 3.5 minutes. Once engraved, no amount of Miracle Grotox can prevent a pumpkin face from sinking in, resembling a denture-less Muppet.

It’s always a little anti-climactic considering all the work we put into it.  At least when we spend a day and half cutting down a Christmas tree, decorating it and stringing lights we get to enjoy the fruits of our labor for more than 24 hours.

But no more.

Yesterday, while at the craft store for another unrelated Halloween errand, I spied the answer to the short shelf-life of my vegetable origami–craft pumpkins.

These little Styrofoam squashes look just as real as any other Jack-O-Lantern, but you can actually carve these more than 10 minutes before the first Trick-Or-Treaters show up at your door. And, dare I say, you could even use them again next year without turning your attic into a compost pile.

When I excitedly pointed out this treasure to my husband, he responded rather snidely, “Yeah, I’ve heard of these other new things coming out in December that are plastic, but look like real trees that you can decorate year after year.” He also mentioned flatly that toasting the Styrofoam seeds from a craft pumpkin would be a rather scary treat.

Artists…we’re so misunderstood

We are an iPod family.   Apple owns a piece of our day and our paycheck.   We started (along with the rest of the world) with the iPod; music and movies while on long car rides and planes? Hurrah! No more scratched DVD’s or moving pieces to deal with.   Once I gave in, I was all in.  I know it is cliche, but I don’t know how I structured my day before I had an iPhone.  All my appointments are kept on the phone calendar and I can check them (and change them) on the run.  As I ran from therapist to therapist I can chart my route (that map feature is still my favorite), order my groceries (Safeway.com), entertain the kids who are not in with the therapist (streaming Netflix, YouTube and Sponge Bob episodes) and on the rare occasion I am alone, I can entertain myself (thank you Kindle app -I can finally read again!!). 

For many families, app’s have provided something even more valuable.  Many people who have non verbal kids use communication devices with them. Pictures or pre programmed responses allow our kids to communicate with us (almost all the kids with autism in our class use them).  The progams are really expensive (not to mention the devices).  Apple has changed the whole playing field.  In our family, instead of using the 300$ computer progam that we used to use to create social stories, we now use Stories 2 Learn.  I can progam all kinds of social stories in for my little ones.  I use the photos from their stock library as well as the ones that I take on my phone.  When it is time to get ready for school, Cubby knows to check the story and it helps cue him on what he needs to do–complete with pictures of what his bed should look like, where his drawers are and his own backpack hanging on the peg.   I have recently started using this for my 2 year old with Down Syndrome for bath time.  We put her favorite bath song behind it and show all the things she needs to do (fill the water, wash her body, etc, etc).  Even my oldest gets subjected to this at times. I made a few stories (how to properly clean the kitchen, how to clean the toilet, etc) and loaded them on HER iPod.  I don’t have to debate with her any more.  That doesn’t stop her from TRYING to debate. There isn’t an app for that yet.   

There are all kinds of lists around the internet that highlight categories and the best apps.  Most are under 20$ and many are under 3$.  This list was posted on the Down Syndrome Parent’s forum I participate in; I found a few news ones I hadn’t seen before.  We have started using many of the “ABC” ones for my son to do his kindergarten homework.   We all enjoy the children’s books that you can download for the iPad.   The kids can read along and I have even used the feature where you re-record the story in your own voice, or THEIR voice.   It reminds me of when I was a little kid and we had all the read along books with the tapes (“turn the page when you the sound like this ……… bllliiinnngggg” ) The kids think all this stuff is fun, it makes learning time less painful for all of us and we are able to practice the skills my kids need to work on without it feeling like work.  All that and I can still play Angry Birds after they go to bed. 

What are YOUR favorite app’s? Do you use them at all?  We have a few other favorites that keep the kids (and me) busy.  Cookie Decorating, Spin Art, Skeeball, Uno, PopFrenzy, Peggle and Jirbo Matching to name a few.  Now, hit me with the best ones that YOU use.

I have been thinking a lot about what defines me lately.  I have been looking for a full time job for almost a year now but after being out of the work force for 5+ years and being a teacher for 7 years prior to that, it is proving VERY tough in this economy.  You see….I can’t get a job that I am truly qualified for because I haven’t been working and some how that counts against me.  I can’t get a basic Admin job because I am overqualified and it really sucks.  I have thrown several tantrums much like my 5 year old does.

None of this would be a big deal except that I am dealing with some new obstacles in my life.  Thinks that I haven’t really talked about here because I don’t want them to define me.  They are not who I am, but they are what I am dealing with.  I am a newly single mom.  Yes, LG has a father who is very present in her life but he is no longer present in mine and that is really hard.  See why I need to work now?  Why I WANT to work?

Every day I am dealing with this new part of life.  It is challenging in more ways than one, but I am trying to not let it define me.  Can that really happen?  In my eyes, being a single mom is everything I am right now.  It determines the type of job I can have, the type of man I might date, where I will live…the list goes on and on.  Sadly, “single mom” is exactly what defines me right now.  I know that what defines us can change over time.  I am working hard to change my definition but it is painful.

What defines you?  What do you WISH defined you?

My husband and I celebrated our two year anniversary yesterday.  It’s hard to believe it was just two years ago that we said “I Do.”  Sometimes, it’s even harder to believe that it was just two years ago that I fit into a stunning, size 6 wedding dress!  Oh my, where has the time, and my figure, gone?

Yesterday, as we woke up, my husband said, “Not that I would change anything, but if we didn’t have DJ I bet we’d be waking up at the Ritz.” He was right.  Before DJ was in our lives, we were a bit extravagant.  We loved to indulge.  We loved spontaneous getaways, expensive massages, and decadent meals.  We never really thought twice about valet parking, upgrading suites, or even having top shelf cocktails.  It’s not that we were well off by any means, we just spent our money impulsively.

Now that I am not working….well, let me rephrase that – now that I am not getting paid for the work that I do, we’ve had to scale things back quite a bit.  Learning to live on one income in this economy has been tough, but it’s certainly made us more creative – and responsible.  It’s been a challenging, but positive lesson for us to learn.  Our perspective has changed from want to need, from instant gratification to patience, from ourselves to our child.

We spent the better part of yesterday running errands out in the rain.  We needed a raincoat for DJ, and a safety lock for our toilet.  I’m not sure we could’ve gotten any less romantic.  While we had dinner plans to eat at the restaurant where we first met, by the time we got home and dried off – we decided that staying in, cuddled up with our new candles burning (our new version of splurging – purchased along with the toilet lock at Target) sounded like a much better plan.  My, life has changed.

Despite the anticlimactic celebration, I must say, the evening ended on a perfect note….My husband turned on our wedding song, and we danced in the middle of our dining room.  We swayed to the music, both reminiscing about this very same moment two years prior.  We moved slowly and lovingly. Though, we couldn’t help but giggle, DJ was sandwiched in between us, rocking back and forth enjoying the dance along with us.

Maybe it wasn’t the Ritz – but it sure felt like a rich moment.

So I wasted $17 on an ovulation kit. I got 1 stripe in the beginning then I got 2, one a little bit lighter than the other. I think it means I’m ovulating but then again, the paper said that if its light, then it’s not. Days go by, same results. The husband thought that I was doing it wrong, but how could I? I just pee on the stick, right?

7 sticks later, and confused readings, I had to get more. Gosh, there went $17. I went to the store and I was so tempted to buy another box, but geez, that would be $40 already! I decided to contact my doctor the next day about this. Perhaps he could run a sample and give me a more accurate reading. Then, like out of no where, my period comes. I’m looking at my calendar and I am supposed to have this 2 days later, so I am early. Very strange. I didn’t even get to do my last blood test. I need that last one in order to get prescribed Clomid.

Perhaps my body is finally working? Am I ovulating? Did I read the tests wrong? I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve read that early periods can be caused by physical and emotional factors, which often are nothing serious, thank God.

Here is what I found and wanted to share with you:

Early periods can be caused by a variety of physical and emotional factors, which often do not indicate any serious underlying condition.

You really don’t know what you’re going to get.

This week, my eyes became open, again, as if I was seeing through them for the first time.  It happens, doesn’t it?  Just when you think you’ve got a grip on who you’re children are, they continuously surprise you.

You raise them as little children, teaching them about what’s dangerous, what’s right and what’s wrong, and how to share.

As they get older, you try to teach them how to shape their own moral compasses and to learn to make their own decisions.  You hope that you’ve displayed a value system that they appreciate and shape their own based on that.

Your kids grow up into teens and they achieve and they fall short.  They make you proud and they sometimes disappoint.  You still catch yourself smiling while you look at them from afar as they help somebody out or do something you wanted them to without having to ask them.

And then one day, they surprise you.

They ask you for advice, you give it to them, and they ignore everything you had to say.

They say things you never expect you’d hear come out of your mouth.

They condescend to you, as if you have no life experience.

They seem to forget everything you have sacrificed for them or have done for them.

For a split second, you want to tear them apart.  What do they know?!  Who gave them the right to speak to you like that?!  How could they forget?!

And then you remember…

Chocolate tastes good. 

I can feel Fall in the air.  I didn’t realize how much I was CRAVING this feeling until this week.  I was looking over old journals and without fail there are multiple “I just love Fall and can’t wait to make some soups and stews” entries each year.  I think it is my favorite time of year.  I am not a hot weather girl.    Besides the soups and stews, there are a few things that mean autumn time in our family; Disneyland and baseball.

We make an annual pilgrimage to Disneyland every October.  It just so happens to coincide with my son’s birthday due to quiet times at jobs and our Utah cousins being out of school for a long weekend.  We let him think it is his birthday present.  We are awesome parents like that.   This year we had a bit of a different situation with him.   We have spent thousands of hours in therapy over the last four years with our Cubby to help him get his sensory issues under control. We have practiced with him identifying how his body is feeling and assigning words to those feelings (ie, I feel hurt, I feel scared).  We have drilled him in using his words instead of his fists to show us that he is frightened or worried. We have worked on attachment to show him that he can trust his parents and that we won’t allow anything to hurt him.    Up until the last year or so, it has been like trying to teach those thing to our kitchen table.  Nothing really seemed to be sinking in.   We just kept cutting checks and hoping that at some point we would see the fruits of our labors.

Within about 20 seconds of entering the park, we started seeing those fruits.   While my other kids were agog with all the princesses and giant pumpkins on Main Street USA, my son seemed to shrink and refused to look at anyone. He kept telling us that it was too loud, there were too many people and that Disneyland was “THE WORSE PLACE IN THE WORLD”.  He loved to shout that last part at anyone who would listen.  This child has been coming here every year since he was born, so it wasn’t a new experience for him, but because of his new awareness of his body it felt like a totally new experience.  By the time he made it to the back of the park to the It’s a Small World ride (which according to him had too many creepy animals and all those kids that wouldn’t stop singing) he was D. O. N. E. with Disneyland.    So, we were done with Disneyland.   We have lots of rules in our family, but one of those rules is that no one is forced to have fun at Disneyland (what? you don’t have that rule in your family?).  Thank goodness for iPhones.  We walked from ride to ride with the rest of the family and he waited with us in line, playing games to help him not focus on all the stuff that was bothering him, and then waited outside with me during the rides.  It many ways it was his dream come true; tons of screen time and as many railings as he could ever desire to climb on and swing from.    The other kids had a great time and did all the Disneyland stuff.  We might wait a few years before we go again; maybe we will bring Grandma and she can bring him home when he has had enough.   On the whole, I am VERY proud that he was able to handle himself and express what he needed.  He used his words, he shifted behavior to stay with us while we were doing something he didn’t like (staying in the park) and we realized that this kid finally realizes that he can feel things that he doesn’t like.  It wasn’t too long ago that he never registered pain, never felt dizzy, never felt sick.  He was that out of touch with his own body. This is very common with sensory kids.

Yesterday we also took the kids to the Giants game (FEAR THE BEARD!!!).  This game was much louder than the ones he has attended in the past.  It also started with fireworks and a fly-over by the Blue Angels that even made MY ears bleed a little.   In the old days he would have totally lost it and the day would have been unsalvageable. We would have had to come home and he would have been out of control the rest of the day.  This time, we just had a few tears and a few minutes sitting outside the stairs and he was back on track.  He still didn’t love the noise, but he paid more attention to the game so he could try and anticipate when the cheers were going to happen.    So again, huge progress.

I am glad we were still able to officially usher in the Fall.   We have lots of birthdays, trick or treating, turkey dinners and other fun stuff to go before we get into the full swing of the official “holiday” season.  It will be interesting to see what else has changed with how our little guy views these things.   If his reaction to the tooth fairy this morning is any indication (“you mean to tell me that she TOOK my tooth? If I find that tooth fairy I am going to throw her in the garbage….”) we might need to warn Santa.

There I was, at Whole Foods, meandering up and down the marinades aisle for the twelfth time in 45 minutes…literally.  I had been gone from home for so long that my husband called to make sure everything was alright. I broke down in tears, “I cannot make a decision to save my life.”  I finally grabbed the Tandoori sauce.  Tandoori sauce?  Not only had I never cooked Chicken Tandoori before, but I actually didn’t even know what it was.

My husband kept me on the phone for my drive home.  “I’m worried about you, babe.  What’s going on?”  I didn’t even know where to begin in answering that question.  In the moment, what was wrong was that I was afraid of letting my family down by choosing some random Indian dish for dinner.  However, the more we got to talking, what was really wrong was that I had no idea who I was anymore – what I liked, didn’t like, it all just blended together into one big sea of indecision.

The truth is, I haven’t taken the time to talk – I mean really talk, to anyone these past 13 months about how my life has changed since becoming a mom.  I mean, sure, there are those wonderfully candid conversations that I have with my best friends where we complain about how many loads of laundry we’ve done, how many days it’s been since we’ve had even a minute to ourselves, how thinking of cooking ONE MORE MEAL feels like torture, or how changing one more diaper just might put us into the psych ward.  It’s not that those talks aren’t important, because they are.  In fact, it’s those raw moments in friendship that keep you floating from one monotonous moment to the next.  However, in a world of really loving, really supportive people – sometimes telling the truth results in tirelessly defending yourself against a flood of heartfelt suggestions on what you may, or may not, need to be doing differently.

And so folks, here it goes.  My best attempt at telling my truth – not because I care to endure one more suggestion that I need a girls’ night out, or that perhaps I’m one of those women who really needs to work outside the home, but because I feel the need to be authentic in hopes that I can make peace with this woman that I’ve become.  And, quite frankly, I am sick of subscribing to the whole of other people’s truths simply because part of that truth mirrors my own, and I am desperate to be understood.

I LOVE being a mom.  I was meant to be a mom.  Nothing has brought me even a fraction of the joy and fulfillment that being DJ’s mom does.  I don’t actually feel that I have given up very much, or that I have sacrificed very much to be a mom.  I can count on one hand how many times I have lost my patience with DJ, or how many times I have ABSOLUTELY needed a moment to myself.  I can’t relate to moms who fantasize about running away from home, or who prefer to run their errands without their kids in tow.  I actually don’t mind not sleeping through the night, or even comforting an inconsolable child.  I don’t even care that my favorite song is currently “Pop Goes the Weasel,” or that my best dance moves accompany “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.”  I am unabashedly in love with my daughter.  There are even moments when I look at her and literally cry over how cute she is (I am sure that saying that out loud has caused some eyes to roll – which is exactly why I’ve never said it out loud before).  And while I realize that my swooning love affair with motherhood could cause some people to question my sincerity, I promise, it’s the truth – it’s my favorite thing ever.

And so, what’s the issue?  Well, the issue begins with my confusion – how could something that I love so much also leave me longing for things of my past?  I mean, I miss feeling cute and even remotely desirable (though my husband never makes me feel anything less than beautiful).  I miss commuting to my office, and feeling as though I am in rhythm with the infinite energy of Silicon Valley.  I miss having aching calves at the end of a workday from wearing three-inch heels while running from one meeting to the next.  I miss having smart things to say in front of people who would inevitably be reviewing (and rewarding) my performance.  Heck, I just miss having smart things to say!  I miss the financial freedom of having two incomes, and I miss being just a partner to my husband – rather than a co-parent with him.  I miss spontaneous and extravagant dates with him, too.  I miss completely tiny, potentially sequined, and very nonfunctional purses.  I miss sneaking away at 3:00 in the afternoon to indulge in a frozen yogurt all by myself. I miss getting through an entire episode of Ellen, uninterrupted.  I miss feeling like I’m in the know, part of the “popular” group – the women without muffin top tummies or thick-strapped, underwire bras.  I miss feeling independent – or at least the strength and sense of power that comes along with it.

So, that’s it, in a nutshell.  Much of why I don’t share is because I can’t possibly be polite to the next person who offers to watch Delilah while I spend some time alone.  I can’t possibly explain to one more person that missing my stilettos doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to slip them on and go grab a drink with a girlfriend.  It’s just that I need to be able to say these things so that I can process who I was, and who I am now – and how those two worlds have collided and what gets to cross over, what’s left behind, and what’s still to come.  I need to be able to mourn for the things that will forever be left in my “previous life,” while also being able to say that I would never, in a million years, trade those things for the gifts that I have now.

I just need to be able to be me – without the effort of being fixed, or the doubt that actually I’m happy, or the justification that I’m truly alright.  When I say it all out loud, it makes perfect sense and I feel great – refreshingly multidimensional.

Well it’s mid-October and Autumn is trying to arrive.  The sun continues to insist on hanging around and push heat around.  It really doesn’t matter what the weather is like during the season because with the oncoming months come the holidays.  Hallow e’en, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  And with those holidays, come the affairs.

No, not the adulterous kind, but rather the school affairs, or events.  The sports events never let up, but rather compete with other events like Homecoming, holiday dances, and college tests and applications.

These affairs have numerous effects on the teens and the outcomes are as unpredictable as they are unexpected sometimes.

Some teens step through these celebrations because they are a ‘tradition’ that must continue while others will use them as platforms for competition for attention.  They will compete to see who will arrive in the most expensive car or limo; to see who will wear the most expensive designer dress or the least amount of clothing and look the sexiest; who will arrive with who to appear higher on the social ladder.

Some teens go because they actually like to dance.  They want to have fun with their latest crush, boyfriend or girlfriend.  Some really love anything that has to do with their favorite holiday and just want to participate in the social aspect of it.

During my many years of being a Total Teen Dad, I’ve seen my teens go through many of the different emotional aspects that come with these affairs.  I’ve heard them say it wasn’t what they were hoping for; it was lame; the date sucked; they were tired of getting groped and grinded on.

Disappointment.  Sadness.  Discouraged.  Anger.

True, these affairs can bring all of these emotions.  Terrible, isn’t it?

Don’t fret.  Aside from these emotions, there were others that, as a dad I have had the chance to enjoy as well.

I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy giving the dates the third degree while trying to reenact the dating scene from Bad Boys II (too graphic to link to – it’s a family blog!); seeing them dressed up in a beautiful dress or a handsome suit; or seeing their smiles when they come home and talk about how nice they were treated or how great the food and music was.

For the most part, the good experiences outweigh the bad ones.  And the teens always seem to learn something important during these traditions that continue on.  The traditions may get carried out a bit differently, but the important thing is, they still exist.  They link our past to their present.  They connect us.

And that IS life.