The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

I’m not quite sure how this happened, but currently there are 4 six week old chickens in my backyard. Well, actually I know how it happened, but I’m still wondering if this zero carb diet I’ve been on has been messing with my brain.

My son loves these chickens. Pictures from left to right: Blinky, Peeeeeeeeeeeeep, Sparkleberry and Oreo.

Every year the kindergarten class hatches eggs at the end of the school year as part of their life cycle science unit. If there is not a family willing to take them home, they go back to the farm. In case you live under a rock, urban chickens are quite the trend right now. Way back in April, I casually mentioned to my husband that we should take the chickens home. He seemed to like the idea, so I mentioned it to my son’s teacher.

Temporary insanity perhaps? I do not have the best track record with pets.  I still get the creeps when I think about those tadpoles. *shudder* But the real kicker? Birds are my absolute least favorite animal. I’m not much of an animal person in general, but birds… birds are just nasty, disturbing, the stuff of nightmares.

We have been happy with our current pet, Bun Bun Snow Sparkle.  He’s a very nice bunny. He lives in his plush case in our backyard and is a pretty low maintenance member of our family. His cage is easy to clean, the kids are responsible for feeding him and he’s soft and cuddly and cute.

Enter the chickens. I have to admit, they are pretty funny little things. The first few weeks, they looked like they belonged on my iPhone flinging themselves from sling shots in order to kill pigs and save their eggs.

Now they are less fluffy and quite a bit more stinky. I have to admit, they have kind of grown on my. They are not at all scared of people and they each seem to have their own little bird-brained personality. They follow me around the yard chirping their little chirps. They will even fall asleep in the kids laps if they sit still long enough.

My ever-so-handy husband spent the past two weekends building a chicken coop. Then it poured rain on Tuesday and all the wood is no warped. Of course.

We won’t know for a few more months who is a hen and who is a rooster. Roosters are not permitted in out little town, so time will tell which chicks we are allowed to keep. Everyone keeps telling us that the eggs the hens lay will taste so much better than store bought. I’ll have to leave that for my family to decide, since I don’t really even like eggs.

Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah.

Watch DJ bust some moves!

Ever notice how consistently life ebbs and flows?  It seems like one moment we are coasting along, winning the lottery and losing weight – and the next, we are getting laid off and being evicted. (One of the many benefits of life as a stay-at-home-mom….job security).  It seems that good news comes in waves, and bad news follows in clusters.

We are in a “bad news” phase.  We have experienced loss, and have watched our closest of friends experience losses of their own.  We have seen new life enter this world, and we have watched it slip away before it even had a chance to begin.  We have seen the people we love put up courageous fights against illness and the inevitable aging process, and we have watched that battle come to a close as the weary soldier finally chooses rest over war.  Our life experiences have been sobering, to say the least.

My cousin got married over the weekend. It was such a welcome celebration – a chance to be reminded of the sweeter moments in life.  I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for a good romance.  There’s nothing like a beautiful wedding to remind you of the very vows that you once took, or the reasons why you fell in love with the person you promised “In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health.  So long as we both shall live.” And let’s face it, there’s nothing like doing the YMCA or Chicken Dance with Grandma and Uncle Bill.

I’m not a good dancer – in fact, I’m downright U-G-L-Y on the dance floor. I have no rhythm (unless of course you count the kind found at the bottom of a wine glass) and I have no confidence.  I much prefer to engage in fragmented conversations along the perimeter of the 10′ x 10′ slab o’ wooden disco tile.  My daughter, on the other hand, is a dancing machine.

At just 22 months old, DJ was tearing it up!  She owned that dance floor.  At one point, my husband and I looked at each other in disbelief as a circle had formed around her – joyful eyes watching her soak up the moment.  She was amazing – so incredibly happy, having an absolute blast.  I was so proud of her.  Totally uninhibited……

As I watch, and re-watch videos of DJ dancing – I realize that everything I need to know, I learn from her.  And so, I’ve crafted a list of the invaluable lessons that I am learning from my toddler, and I am committing to living more like she does.  Man, we can learn so much from the itty bitty people in our lives…..cherish them, invest in them, build them up and love them unconditionally.

Everything I Need to Know I Learn From My Toddler:

• Live in the moment
• Be confident in who you are, and never compare yourself to others
• Be vocal about the things you want and need, that’s the only way you’re ever gonna get it
• Take naps
• Ask to be held when your love tank feels empty
• Play with bubbles
• Fart in the bath – it makes you giggle
• Appreciate all of God’s creatures…yes, even the snails
• Ask about your family and friends daily
• Sing, sing, sing, sing…..
• Dance like everyone’s watching and you know you rock
• Read a good book everyday
• Say “hi” to anyone and everyone who crosses your path
• Explore…..stop and smell the roses – every single one of them
• Eat more French toast
• Find joy in having picnics, and revel in sticky hands from eating fresh strawberries
• Hug more, like way more
• Have more confidence that the people you love with come through for you
• Believe that there’s goodness and adventure all around
• Find that goodness and adventure
• Develop healthy fears
• Play naked
• Find joy in saying your prayers
• Love unconditionally, and never ever underestimate the healing power of affection
• Live.  Fully and completely.  Every single day.

My husband just got back into town from being away on business for a week. He was in India – so when I say he was away, he was really away. He was 12 ½ hours ahead of us, starting his new day when DJ and I were frantically trying to finish ours. And let me tell you….I have a whole new respect for single parents.

When you are the sole provider, entertainer, chef, chauffeur, story-teller, diaper changer, tantrum extinguisher, etc – life gets exhausting. I was exhausted. Wait, I mean, I am exhausted…still. It was one of those rare weeks where I thought that having a full time job outside of the home sounded utterly glamorous. As a stay-at-home mom, I am already up to my eyeballs in all-things-kid, so not having another adult to interact with on a daily basis pretty much left me puking Elmo….figuratively, of course.

Last night, after my husband had been home for just over 24 hours, DJ decided to have an epic breakdown. I am certain she was beyond tired, ridiculously hot, emotionally drained and certainly picking up on her parent’s weariness. It was, of course, at the same time my husband left the house to run some errands. Lucky me, after seven days of solo fits, my kid waited again till I was alone to unleash her fury. I tried almost everything in my arsenal to get her to stop, short of putting on clown shoes – but only because I don’t actually own clown shoes – good thing, right? At my wits end, I marched to the freezer, pulled out a grape popsicle, hoisted her up onto our bed, and let her slurp away. Yes, I said “grape popsicle” and “bed” in the same sentence. Did I also mention the solid white duvet?

In those drippy, sticky, messy moments, I realized that sometimes we take the easy way out in parenting. Sometimes the battles we choose not to fight are the holes in our consistency that our children pine for. They are the moments when they realize that Mommy might have weakness, the moments when they get one up on us and forever recall that the rules can be bent. They are the times when our children see us as human, they see us let down, give in, and devour some ill-achieved peace.and.quiet. For crying out loud….some peace and quiet.

Or, maybe they are the moments that draw our children in even closer to us. They are the memories that our children will share with their first teacher about a special time they recall spending with us. “One day when I was in a bad mood, my mommy let me eat a popsicle in her bed.”

I can’t believe I am even going to admit this – but I am reminded of something (the only intelligent thing) that Vicky of the Real Housewives of Orange County said in a finale show not too long ago…..something about how when people break down and cry, and when they become vulnerable and ditch their tough exterior that real relationships can begin and grow. I truly believe that to be true for the friendships in my life, so why wouldn’t the same be true with our children?

We don’t always have to be the “Rule Enforcenator. “ (Yes, poor taste to inert an Arnoldism here). Sometimes, we can be the burnt-out woman (or man) who will do anything to make it just a few more hours till bedtime. And, that’s OK. We forgive ourselves, we move on, and we know without a doubt that we’re doing an amazing job raising these animals….um, I mean, lovely children.

My youngest continues to cross new ground this week.  Last week Megan became a senior.  This week, she bought her first car.  She has worked hard for it.  Landscaping jobs.  Photo shoot jobs.  Writing Life As A Teen for Parenting on the Peninsula.  I never believed in buying my children their cars.  I think whoever pays for the car receives the greatest reward.  If I had bought it for her, I would have been the happiest.  This way she is.

Megan thrilled with her new car!

Tell me I’m wrong, but it looks to me like she looks pretty satisfied!  If you could have seen her do the happy dance, you’d know I wasn’t making this up!

After picking it up together, we drove around the local neighborhood to make sure all was well.  Then we stopped at one of our favorite coffee shops and bought our favorite drinks to celebrate.

When I was growing up, I remember feeling a great sense of personal achievement when I saved up money from mowing lawns to buy my first movie camera from Sears for $110.  Back in 1973, when I was in 3rd grade, that was a big deal – a lot of money.  I still have that camera today, it still works, and it’s still in great shape.  It’s true that when you spend your own money to get something, you tend to take better care of it.

A great first car!

Megan’s smile and sense of personal achievement tells me her efforts paid off.  It also tells me she can succeed at anything she sets her mind to.

I was happy to be able to be there when she got it.  Experiencing ‘firsts’ with anyone is great.  Experiencing them with your children, watching them go to school for the first time, get their first car, win a competition for a college grant, or get engaged – satisfying.

Monday was the first official day of summer vacation. The end of the school year was crazy and busy and there are still loose ends to tie up. But the freedom from homework, the morning fire drill and the after school run around is a welcome reprieve. I feel lighter.

• Have a lemonade stand
• Make homemade ice cream
• Go to Gilroy Gardens
• Have a picnic on the beach
• Go berry picking
• Camping with Dad
• Go to the SF Aquarium and Rainforest Cafe
• Go to a Giants game
• Family hike
• Vacation at Bass Lake and Napa
• Read Little Women
• Have a water balloon fight
• Go out to breakfast
• Visit the Oakland Zoo
• Do a puzzle
• Make pizza on the BBQ
• Rent a waterslide and have friends over
• Make a family mural
• Go golfing (boys)
• Get pedicures (girls)
• Finish Summer Bridge books
• Kids plan and cook dinner
• Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge
• Go to the yogurt shop
• Build a tree house
• Have an ice cream social
• Go to the San Mateo County Fair
• See Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer

In preparation for today’s blog post, I have been obsessively contemplating between two topics.  One is light and airy, and feel-goody all around – while the other is basically an admission of insanity.  I keep asking myself what I want my readers to think of me, and then I remember that I gave up caring!  In a recent email exchange with a friend of mine, I realized that the two go hand-in-hand – so lucky you, today you get two for the price of one.

Our previous house, which was the one we brought DJ home from the hospital to, was situated on a corner.  Her bedroom had a very large window that peered out onto the intersecting streets.  Our front yard didn’t have a fence.  I used to lay awake at night worrying that a drunk driver would come barreling over the sidewalk, across our grass and smack through DJ’s window toward her crib.  I asked my husband countless times if we could switch bedrooms with DJ, but never gave him a good enough reason (I omitted the disturbing vision that I just laid out above for the whole world to read). At this point, I understand that you’re either laughing in horror or disbelief, or you’re seriously worrying about my well-being. I get it.  It sounds so totally irrational when I say it out loud – but worries like these are completely and truly a part of my life.

I worry that DJ will wriggle free from my arms as I’m crossing the street and get plowed over by a semi truck.  I worry that she’ll drown in our toilet in the middle of the night (despite our child safety lock, and the fact that she can’t even reach her door knob to let herself out of her bedroom).  I worry that someone will break into our home, again, despite our alarm system, and somehow manage to snatch her from her bed while I am sleeping.  I worry that she’ll stop breathing.  I worry, worry, worry, about the most random and far-fetched scenarios.

This is the “admission of insanity” topic.  This is the topic that I’ve wanted to share week after week after week after week – but it just felt too glum to put into writing.  I’ve wanted to ask if any of you can relate, and I’ve wanted to say to anyone else who is haunted by such fears, “You’re not alone.”

I don’t worry about germs.  I don’t worry about illness.  I don’t worry about her choking on a grape.  I don’t worry about her happiness.  I don’t worry about her going hungry, or having her heart broken, or getting picked on in school.  I don’t worry that she’ll grow into adulthood confused about what she wants or who she is.  I just worry about the weird stuff.

Gosh, it feels so good to release all of that.  BLAH…..

Now, the feel-good part….I am madly, deeply, and profoundly in love with my daughter.  I have just made it through another storm (of tantrums), and am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (if only temporarily, as I know the tantrums will last for years, decades, lifetimes to come).  I am seeing the sweeter side of DJ’s temperament, and am truly enjoying every second of her company.  I anxiously await each day together, excited about what new words she’ll use, what facial expression she’ll try out, and what new discovery she’ll make in her world.  I’m actually just in absolute awe of her….such a little person making such a huge impact.  I find no greater joy than watching people light up as they interact with her.  She’s truly a special girl.

I think it’s been the job.  That part time job that I took on about six weeks ago has helped me gain perspective on things that I’ve been struggling with for almost two years now.  You know, the “Who am I if I’m not working?” query.  Now that I am directing my attention away from DJ 15 hours a week, I am allowing myself to accept that being a full time stay-at-home mom is a pretty damn important job.  I am finally wrapping my head around the blessing, and pleasure, it is to have so much time with my girl.  And, I am accepting that I am a really cool chick – job outside of the home or not….I rock.

So, how do the morbid and the merry topics relate?  Well, I think that because I am so ridiculously in love with DJ, I have become consumed by thoughts of things outside of my control.  Why I choose to agonize over the absurd scenarios that I do is beyond me…..except that, I have a lot of confidence in the things that I can control – like meeting DJ’s needs.  It’s the things that could happen to harm her that make me nuts.  It’s like running through a fire drill – if I am prepared (by way of pondering), then we can potentially avert the ramifications.

Truth be told though, I know there are more things out of my control than within it.  I know that worrying won’t change the outcome of anything.  I know that wasting my energy on such horrific thoughts is only harmful to myself – and my daughter.  I also know that loving someone as unconditionally as I love my daughter comes with a huge responsibility to keep her safe and protected.  I know that I am doing the best that I can.  And, I know that she never ever ever needs to hear my irrational fears said out loud.

This is motherhood.  It’s beautiful, and it’s terrifying.  It’s bliss, and it’s angst.  It’s trust, and it’s doubt.  It’s control, and it’s surrender.  It is a perpetual internal struggle, and yet it’s the most gratifying and transformational experience in the world.  And I am grateful.

Today, my youngest daughter Megan graduates her junior year and becomes a senior in high school.  All ofyou may already know Megan.  She’s the columnist that writes Life As A Teen for Parenting on the Peninsula.  For all of you that don’t know Megan, she’s a blessing.  I don’t know how else to explain it.  I started thinking yesterday about her and wondered about all the people and things that events and places that have shaped her.

There are so many things that shape us, aren’t there?  We have friends of all kinds.  People.  Animals.  They come and go in life.  How we deal with them makes us who we are.

Licking the frosting with her cat Barney.

We take interests in different things.  We try things and sometimes we like them and we do them for a long time.  Sometimes we don’t and we quit them and move on.  Megan tries anything that comes her way.  At least once. She loves to live and experience life. She always has.  She was climbing those metal jungle gyms at the playgrounds when she was 2.  And I let her.  She fell through a couple of times.  And then one time she caught hold of the bars and saved herself.  This last Memorial Day we went ziplining 300 feet over the floor of the redwoods in Occidental and she loved every minute of it.

A little Tae Kwon Do never hurt anybody that didn't ask for it.

I’ve done a lot of things with Megan.  We’ve travelled a lot of places.  And we have experienced a lot of things together.  She carries on when she’s without me with her friends.  I know she will grow up and do those things with her family that she did when she was younger.  She’ll go camping.  She’ll make waffles, pancakes, and linguicia on Sunday mornings.  She’ll laugh.  A LOT.  And she’ll do things with her children that I’ve done with her.

Megan's 'Say Anything' Moment with Corey Feldman at The Lost Boys Anniversary.

Time moves by so quickly.  The good thing is we will forget the uncleaned bedrooms.  We will miss the toys left out on the floor.  We will only care that they remember the good times we all shared together.  The pants they tore, the shoes they wrote on with permanent markers.  None of it matters.

Megan and Me. A really good day.

As much as I have taught my children, they continue to teach me.  The good thing is I remember what it was like to be their age.  I still try to guide them, but I try really hard to keep letting the rope out and to let them challenge themselves.

I came home to a special dinner Megan made for us. And she wore a dress!

My kids don’t always make the good decisions.  But, neither did I.  And I still make mistakes.  We’re all human.  And the older we get, the more imperfections they see in us.  That’s okay.  I think I’m still perfect.  Just the way I am. 

Her smile just keeps getting better!

And they’re perfect just the way they are.  Megan knows this.  Around 3pm today, she will officially become a senior.  Congratulations Megan!Patience.  Acceptance.  Logical.  Emotional.  She is all these things and more.  And I wouldn’t change any of it.

This past weekend our little suburban town had a little Memorial Day Parade. My kids marched along with a group representing their elementary school. My husband and I dropped our kids off at the start of the parade route and then went to stake out a space toward the end of the route so I could easily collect them when the parade was over.

My kids don’t know it yet, but the are in for a summer unlike one they have ever experienced before.  They are going to be BORED.  I am giddy with excitement.  The last three years or so have been an eternal sprint.  I have written about this in the past.  Every week we have dozens of therapy appointments, doctor appointments and meetings on top of the normal soccer practices, piano lessons and general homework mayhem of the school year.  We are all connected to our phones and our music and our movies. I depend on these things to keep kids quiet when I need them to be quiet; long car rides, during siblings appointments, etc.  A few months ago I made an executive decision to cut out as many activities as possible this summer.  I put all therapies, lessons and classes on suspension till the next school year.  The kids are doing a few camps and classes here and there, and we will be doing a home school version of summer school but it is pretty free form.  We are also at a point where we don’t need Maria the supper nanny/OT as much. She will be filling a therapy role more than a child care role. 

The biggest change is that I am getting rid of all electronics.  I will keep the TV around, but I am going to hide the cable box controls (I am not crazy… TV will be saved for when I need them to give me a break).  Currently the kids are used to a routine where they get to watch a movie or book on tape with their iPods before bed.  It went from a fun thing to do occasionally, to “if I don’t have this I will not function at night”.   A few of my kids in particular have a very low tolerance for change in routine.  I expect this to be painful, but it is necessary.  I am going to force us all to remember what it was like before we had Angry Birds and Plants Vs. Zombies to ease us into sleep.  We are also going to be doing some pretty major medication experiments with a few of the kids, so I figured we might as well get all the evil times over in the same few months.  I will let them keep their CD players and will let them make CD’s they can listen to at night if they want, but that is it.   No Wii, no iPods, no computer. He he he.  I can taste the misery now.  

I never wanted to be one of those mom’s who wasn’t’ going to let their kids watch TV or had an agenda about kids using things like iPods and computers and phones.  I still don’t fundamentally think that I am that mom.  We are just way, way WAAAAY too plugged as a family.  Forcing this issue will allow us to work on much needed social skills for a few of the kids, will allow other of the kids to model cooperative play (ahem, that is the dream anyway) and will make sure that we are all interacting with EACH OTHER instead of a screen. I can hardly wait to hear about what new things they will come up with to argue about..  Its like a very restrictive diet too loose all the weight and bad habits, then you can start over when you are back at baseline.  By the time school (and the eternal sprint) starts again, I am hoping these screens will be something that is a treat and not an addiction.   

I have a list ready of all the fun things they can do if they need ideas. We have a stocked craft closet and lots of books.  There are multiple outdoor activities ready and waiting for them.  I even have a list of chores that will be assigned to them if I hear the magic words a few times too many (I’M BORED!! THERE IS NOTHING TO DO!!!).  I just want my kids to know what it is like to be free form and not overscheduled. I want them to know what it is like to stay up too late reading a book instead of watching movies and to sleep in during the weekdays, instead of racing to get on the computer first.  Mostly, I want them to have some empathy for what it was like for the rest of us in the olden days. You know, the 80′s.