The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

At least four dozen times a day, I am given the directive, “Mommy, watch this!”  What follows that statement most always comes in the form of an absurdly random act of physicality – performed by our very own two year old.

Lets take last night for example…..while trying to prepare dinner, my husband and I were harassed with “Mommy, watch this!  Daddy, watch this!”  When we finally looked up, DJ was ridiculously amped to show us how she could run from the kitchen, across the dining room and straight into the back of our couch.  Over and over and over again.  Brilliant.

My husband was immediately reminded of the old Mad TV character, Stuart (clip above).  While not as creepy as a grown man playing the part of an attention-seeking child, our little girl is oddly similar to this “kid.”  She will stop at nothing for an audience, and can (which I actually applaud) invent some new form of folly on the fly. Once she has someone’s gaze fixed in her direction, she can use the ottoman as a springboard, a pile of sheets as a foam pit, a stack of pillows as a trampoline, and an office chair as a merry-go-round.  Now that I think of it, her limits are pretty endless.

YES, this game gets annoying.  Despite my admiration for her ingenuity, the constant plea for my attention is exhausting.  And it never fails, the “Mommy, watch this!” game always happens when I am trying to get something else done.  Like a cat who jumps onto your lap the moment you open the newspaper, or a dog who begins licking your feet the moment you put them up after a grueling day.  She just knows when my attention is diverted elsewhere, and she demands to get it back.  And, if I try to ignore her, she just ups the ante with a steady repetoire of “Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mommy. MaMa. Mom.”  Reminiscent of this:

Damned if you do.  Damned if you don’t.

I am realizing that this is true of all things toddler….all things two-year old.  They have a one-track mind (which shifts focus every four minutes), and their sole mission is to be the center of the world.   And really, who can blame them?

I cannot believe how much DJ learns everyday.  Of course she wants to show it off, and enlighten those who love her and who shower her with pride.  Of course she’s excited about life, and all that she can accomplish in any given moment.  When I try to maintain that perspective, and remember that as her mom, it is my job to encourage her – it’s a little easier to bolster her confidence with over-the-top applauding and cheering.

However, it’s also really, really, really tiring to live in the world of my two-year-old daughter.  Especially when her favorite game of the hour is climbing mommy’s legs and swinging from her belt loops.

Moments after I walked out to the pool and snapped these photos, Sejal starting slapping the water, tears starting to fall from her eyes.

She’s almost 3 years old, this little baby of mine, but don’t call her a baby because she will tell you, “I’m a big girl. I’m not a baby anymore!”… and she’s not, she’s so not a baby anymore. Where is the time going? I want it to slow down, but in the same breath, I of course know that it won’t… and so I’m doing my best to be ever more “present” in each moment. Not just with her, but with myself, in every area of my life.

The change in Allie in just the last couple of weeks has been remarkable. She all of a sudden doesn’t just seem bigger, but she seems MUCH more mature. I know every parent must experience this around this age, just before three (and I’m sure there are many more times coming where I’ll feel it this strongly too). This stage is the final movement out of the baby / toddler stages and seriously into little girlhood, isn’t it. Just in the last two weeks, Allie has finally decided to use the potty, all on her own… just like that. We thought we’d lucked out right after she turned two, but that was a fluke. It’s not been an easy road with the potty training. So to have her announce, all of a sudden, and repeatedly, that she needs to use the potty has been amazing! On top of that, her vocabulary skills are intensifying to the point where I am shaking my head in disbelief, that some of these sentences and concepts are coming out of her mouth. Over the weekend she told me, as we were driving, “mommy, you forgot your sunglasses”, which I had! Really? Observant little one all of a sudden. She’s also begun to be much more affectionate, which is absolutely wonderful. Of course, there is the flip side, where she is also asserting her independence much more as well. I’ll take the good with the bad. I know it’s all part of it.

I guess I’m just feeling it, more than ever before, and I know it is far from the last time… that this stage that my daughter has been, this cute toddler stage, with the funny words and the cute little run and she still fits on the changing table, is going, going, ALMOST gone. I am holding on to every dear second of what’s left of it, even though I know that what is next is just as wonderful. I see her changing and growing into this beautiful little girl, and I want so much to always remember her this way, because I know I have already forgotten things about how she was as an infant that I swore I wouldn’t forget. So what can I do? Just be present… really truly take in every moment with her, as best I can. Be present, not just for myself to feel completely immersed in my life with her, but so that she knows her mommy is genuinely here for her and cares about her more than anything. It’s easier said than done, as I’ve got a million things running through my mind with my new business venture, but that absolutely needs to be secondary (as important as that is). Making the time to be in the moment with her, for her, for me, is the most important thing I can do… since I can’t stop time…

My twin girls shared a bassinet, next to our bed until they were five months old. Then they shared a crib in their own room for a couple more months. One little baby in a big crib just seemed… lonely. They have never slept with their heads more than five feet apart. I have never even considered separating them. There were many times over the years when one had an accident, or needed some Tylenol and I would turn the lights on, change the sheets, pour the medicine, get a glass of water all while the other slept without even stirring. It’s rare that one will sleep in longer than the other. They usually come into my room in the morning one right after the other.

Just when I thought I was fresh outta food for fodder, I met a perfect stranger who inspired the perfect blog, mildly titled “Mind Your Own Business.”

Today was Ravioli Tuesday.  It’s this tradition that DJ and I have every second day of the week.  We go to swim lessons, and then stop by a local pizza joint to share a plate of raviolis that even my Uncle Guido would approve of.  We’ve been doing this for several months now – which is only a semi important detail, and only because it means that the restaurant staff knows us well, and thereby DJ feels right at home in “her booth” by the window.

Today was actually a really good day. Right after DJ’s swim lesson, she noticed a group of ducks swimming in the nearby sewer….um, I mean, creek?  Anyhow, this little highlight was enough to curb her hunger pangs long enough to make our wait for the hot raviolis totally bearable.  She was happily sipping on her ice water, and making conversation with anyone who’d listen.  I was uncharacteristically relaxed, as I was feeling super proud of her manners.

Toward the end of our meal, DJ announced, “Home, mommy.” This meant that she had reached her limit, was ready for nap, and signaled that it was time for a to-go box.  Without whining, or throwing anything even resembling a tantrum, she climbed down from her booth, and began making her way toward the door.  I asked her only once to come back to mommy, which she did, when a woman chimed in from across the restaurant.

She said, “Well, there’s a strong-willed kid.” I looked up at her and smiled.  She said, “I’ve been a preschool director for 25 years.  I can spot a strong-willed kid from a mile away.” I politely replied, “We call it ‘independent,’ and while it can be challenging now, I know it will serve her well in the future.” Touché, right?  Wrong.  She went on to say, “Well, we call it ‘problem-child.’  I can tell by her eyes that you have a 24/7 job.” Um, don’t all parents have a 24/7 job? Furthermore, lady – what are you basing this on?  Your 25 years of experience has shown you that a child anxious to take their self-appointed nap is problematic?  I turned to walk away, when she inquired, “Is she your only child?” “Yes.” “Oh yes, I can tell by the look in her eyes that she thinks she’s the only one…..” There you go with that “look in her eyes” garbage again, lady.  Perhaps you should leave your preschool gig and open a Palm-and-Eye Reading shop along some questionable stretch of El Camino.  (How’s that for an unsolicited opinion?)  And, I’m curious, what exactly is the ‘look’ of an only child?  Maybe she gets it from me since I’m also an only child.  Like problem-mother, like problem-daughter.

Obviously, no further words were exchanged.  Mostly because I’m a great mom, and my child is nothing short of sweet and amazing and nothing good could have come out of me continuing to engage in conversation.

On our drive home, I wondered what gave this woman the right to share her very negative opinion of my family?  I wondered if her experience alone should have made her appear as an authority figure, and that I somehow should’ve appreciated her insight?  I wondered if I was overreacting to be so offended?  Should I have gotten in the last word by dropping some knowledge on this old bitty about how to offer words of praise rather than discouragement?  

Here’s what I’ve decided to be the bottom line : Parenting is hard work.  Raising a wonderful human being is the biggest responsibility in the world.  Being a good mother or father means questing yourself, your judgement, your decisions, your sanity – at least a dozen times per day.  And just when you are having one of those rare moments, when everything is under control and the stars are aligned and you are thoroughly enjoying the company of your two year old (which, let’s face it – is a major feat), all it takes to shake your confidence is the hasty opinion from some outsider.  Unless me or my child are causing harm to you or your child, OR, you wish to offer a compliment, I’m sorry to say it – but mind your own business.

Of course my daughter has her moments – she’s two.  What two year old isn’t “strong-willed” at times?  In fact, I share most of our bad-behavior stories here because, well because two year old shenanigans are entertaining underneath how exhausting they are.  However, just because my kid is developmentally doing all of the rebelling that she should be doing, does not make her a “problem child.” 

It’s one thing to offer empathy to a parent who is clearly struggling to get through the moment, it’s another (and unacceptable) thing to pass judgement based on three minutes of observation.  You’d think a seasoned preschool director would know that toddlers are schizophrenic.  

Offer encouragement, people – or you just might get called out in a public forum for ruining a perfectly good Ravioli Tuesday.

Greetings from lovely Lake Tahoe!  It is absolutely, without a doubt, so incredibly gorgeous here.  I just read a little fun fact about Lake Tahoe this morning : The Lake is 99.1% pure, and  an object dropped under water as deep as 100 feet, can still be viewed from the surface.  I guess this fact struck me so much because honestly, all I can think of when looking out over the Lake is “pure beauty.” And, it really is.  

This is our first real vacation since having DJ nearly two years ago.  In fact, we are staying at the same place we stayed when I was about eight months pregnant with her.  It is also the same place that my husband’s family vacationed every summer while he was growing up.  We love it here on the South Shore, and look forward to spending our family’s summers here, too.

Now that all the flowery stuff is out of the way….talk of the beautiful lake and the sentimental connections we have here – let me level with you, vacationing with a toddler ain’t for sissies.  Lord Almighty. 

Today is our fifth day away from home, and I am more exhausted than I have been in two years!  And yes, while I’d rather be exhausted on a sandy beach then stuck inside my own four walls – I will definitely not be returning from this trip with the glow of a woman whose done nothing but joy-read while sipping frosty Pina Coladas.

Let’s take yesterday, for example….my otherwise totally-devoted-to-family-time-while-on-vacation husband, agreed to take one business call our entire trip.  This call happened to coincide with the time that I decided to take my FIRST shower sans-toddler since arriving on vacation (Did I mention that since leaving home, DJ has literally been attached to my hip?).  Anyhow, I’m in the shower, taking a moment to appreciate my independence, when in barges my determined daughter, saying “poo poo, Mommy, poo poo.” 

Um, ok – you can’t argue when a kid is potty training.  So, the toilet is right outside the shower…which means DJ has now pealed back the shower curtain (my only shield from motherhood), and is begging me to put her on the potty.  While dripping water all over the place, and breaking out in goose bumps, I lean over the tub, strip her pants and big girl panties off, and place her on the potty.  She then gets ticked off by my close proximity to her and pleads for “privacy.” Obviously, I win the argument that I can’t actually go anywhere else (with suds streaming from my head and down my back), and she relaxes enough to do her business.

Of course when she finishes, we both take notice of the empty toilet paper roll.  With wet, pruned fingers, I once again lean outside the shower and try to place a roll of the cheapest one-ply paper the hotel could get a bargain on, back on the chrome fixture.  All the while, DJ is freaking out, “I do! I do! I do!” Again, I finally win the argument, put the roll on the spring-loaded thingy, and realize I now have to wipe her bum bum.  Needless to say, my shower ended abruptly, my arm pits went unshaven again, the conditioner surely hadn’t penetrated my split ends, i had toilet paper shreds streaming from mu fingertips, and the bathroom was a sopping mess.  

After emerging from the bathroom totally battered and bruised, with my husband’s call having just ended – I glared at him and said “How could we have forgotten her potty?” I mean, really, with EVERYTHING else we had remembered to pack – her favorite books, the sunglasses she likes to chuck at us, her special water bottle, the pillow from her bed, her life jacket and water socks, her favorite dolly – somehow, we had forgotten DJ’s potty….the one she can sit on all by herself, the one that has it’s own cubby for wipes. The one that doesn’t require parental supervision to use.

Then, there are the stairs.  We are staying in a lodge-like hotel, and our “room” is more like a two-story condo. There are 11 stairs from the first floor to the second.  Ask me how I know there are 11…..well, because I have walked up and down them fourteen hundred times in the past five days.  Aside from the in-room AC unit which blows cool air from it’s fan, the stairs are DJ’s favorite part of our room.  We don’t have stairs at home, and let me tell you – exercising was not high on my list of objectives for this vacation. At least I’m not feeling guilty about the S’mores.

I hadn’t really planned for the extreme separation anxiety and the associated need for DJ to be held by me almost every minute of every day.  I hadn’t really thought about how DJ would feel suddenly living in a new environment. I didn’t anticipate that she wouldn’t understand what vacation meant.  I hadn’t thought through that bringing a canopy for shade, our own chairs for lounging, all of DJ’s beach toys and a cooler for our fresh lunch on the beach would mean arms and hands full of crap that would require lugging to/from the room everyday.  I hadn’t really thought through how the changes in DJ’s routine would affect her mood, or how the majority of our meals out would effect ours (any two year old is not really known for their good restaurant manners).  I really just thought that “vacation” held a universal understanding of relaxation, freedom from responsibilities, and protection from all things grumpy.  Not so.

However, with all of that said (and yes, I am feeling loads lighter after that rant), there have been such precious memories made this week.  Watching DJ’s face light up each time she sees the Lake while she shouts, “Ocean, right there!” has been priceless (as has hearing her sweet little voice pronounce “Lake Tahoe,” has been as we correct her that it’s not the ocean).  Seeing her bravely jump around in the kiddie pool, practicing her favorite songs from swim lessons, has been a delight (and great confirmation that those lessons are money well spent).  Watching her pick up handfuls of sand, slowly releasing each grain through her fingers and into the light breeze has reminded me how much wonder is all around us if we just stop.  Just stop.  Stop worrying about the small stuff – like how we forgot to pack the potty.

Last night, we roasted marshmallows in a fire pit on the beach.  We watched the sunset as DJ discovered the gooeyness of roasted puffs of white sugar.  It was beautiful, and it was a blast.  It was also one of our finest “vacation moments.” And, if we walk away from these five days of craziness with only that memory etched into our minds, then the seven hours it took to travel what should have only taken four, will be more than well worth it.

Room service, please……

Breathe…. I feel like I’ve been telling myself a lot this week, as the theme of the last several days has been “setting limits”. I am realizing I need to do that much more, with my child and my business. I’m a giver. I always have been and it is ingrained in my being – some would title it Co-Dependent, which I will admit I do know I have the tendencies – putting other people’s needs ahead of your own when you know deep down it is not as it should be. Giving is one thing ~ not setting limits for yourself is another.

So this lifelong battle of walking this fine line between Giver and Co-Dependent is really hitting me this week. When I was in business just part-time while working full-time at the hospital, I felt like I didn’t have the time to really focus on the fine details like I wanted to (i.e. had a simple model release as opposed to a real contract, etc). That was okay, but now that my volume is higher and the business is quite serious, I’m finding the need to really take care of myself and SET LIMITS about what I will and will not do for clients. I LOVE my clients and I love what I do, but just as in any business, the owner puts in business practices and terms… something this week has taught me. My model release was fairly vague, and so getting asked to do many many many things above and beyond the scope of a normal session, I of course said yes to just about all of it. Was this fair to me to be asked for so many additional services? No. Did I have a contract signed that said these things were not included? No. Do I now? Yep, you better believe it. This week I’ve hit some challenges, but I did so for a reason. I had to break out of the space of doing something for someone because I have a hard time saying no… and want to be liked, and don’t want to let someone down… in fact, it became more than that… now it had become seriously covering my own behind. When it comes to business, I’m realizing that while I may be a fun photographer who is easy to work with, I do not want to be a pushover. I want to be taken seriously. Big lesson this week. Setting limits for my business… for myself… for my sanity. Now if only Setting Limits for my child was as clear to me to figure out what to do…

…on to Miss Allie ~ my sweet little toddler monster. Ummm… I am starting to believe what I’m hearing about age 3 actually being worse than 2, as she is quickly approaching 3 and I’m finding that she is purposely trying to push me every day, becoming more and more strong-willed and tantrums are appearing more now than ever before. She is a really sweet natured child at times, but lately I am wondering what entity has possessed my sweet baby! Okay, that’s a joke, but you know what I mean. Setting limits in my business for myself seems easy in comparison to this!

So how do we do it? What are the best tactics to set limits for this age, so that they grow up with knowing the difference between good and bad behavior. I feel inconsistent sometimes and am not sure what approach is best. I feel bad if I raise my voice, it doesn’t feel natural to me, but is that the only way to convey my dissatisfaction with a certain behavior? I try to use my normal voice, but with firmness most times, but other times I feel weak and end up raising my voice. Is this hurting my child? What about all the messes she makes? I know she is curious and obviously doesn’t do some of it maliciously, but sometimes I do feel she does it on purpose, just to challenge me. Do I make her pick up every single mess? Sometimes I feel it’s faster to just clean up the messes, but is in counterintuitive to do this? Should she be learning that every mess she picks up is her responsibility? Is my occasional laziness in feeling the need to just get it cleaned up going to hurt her because she’ll think mommy will do it for her? What about the running away from me in public places, towards TRAFFIC, where she could be seriously hurt… or worse. Scares me to no end. Is my anger enough? Does she understand the severity of this? How do I tell her in a way that she will understand that she could get hurt? She sees me get angry with tears in my eyes, and I think she understands… until she does it again a few days later. Sigh. I could go on.

So in this week of incidents that have brought up what limits I need to set, personally and professionally, I have found that sometimes the answer is cut and dry, black and white, and the solution is evident. In other cases, it’s not black and white ~ I feel like I live in this gray area of learning and uncertainty when it comes to raising a child. Setting limits with Allie and being a loving and fair parent is a dance… a battle within myself, yet I always must appear to her to be strong, firm and in control, while being loving and brave and wonderful for her… I think… right? There are moment when I do despair and get frustrated and sometimes even cry in front of her… and it’s in the moments of my authenticity that she stops whatever she’s fussing about and says, “no mommy, don’t cry”, and gives me a hug. That’s a reminder, that sometimes, even when I’m angry at her behavior, maybe she just might need a hug too. This dance… will go on for the rest of our lives together, I’m sure.

Parents, what are your challenges with setting limits, personally and professionally? Are there any approaches you have found work magic in your lives? Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday!

There is a girl on my daughter’s soccer team who is one of seven children. I think she is number four or five. Her mom gets her to practice on time, her uniform is always clean for games and she always has cold water in her water bottle. I don’t know how she does it. I watch her with a sense of awe. Probably the same way that mothers of one baby used to watch me with awe when I would chase my twin toddlers in every possible direction at the park. It wasn’t unusual to me because it was all I knew.

Welcome to my world. At the throne is an almost-two year old.  She rules with a stern hand of trickery, mischief and utter defiance.  The Princess’ name is DJ.  She is my spawn, and somewhere along the lines, she became the Queen Bee.  Or so she thinks.

The photo above represents just one of fifteen thousand dozen pranks that DJ pulls a day.  Underneath the purple, waffled dishtowel, is our 7 lb. Yorkshire Terror Terrier, Hercules.  Hercules is very, very, very old – which means that he doesn’t take too much crap.  While his tolerance is in the range of negative numbers, he’s lost most all of his teeth, so I don’t worry too much when he snaps at DJ.

Anyhow, this is one of DJ’s favorite jokes to play on Herc.  She grabs our dishtowel (almost always when I am making a concerted effort to ensure I am not nominated for some germ-laden show like “Hoarders”) and carefully drapes it down the length of his body.  She always pays special attention to the placement over his eyes, double-checking that they are, indeed, completely covered.  And then, she stands there giggling as Herc deems himself frozen.  He will growl and snarl under that towel, but he won’t dare move his paws.  You gotta appreciate a creature who exercises such caution when operating a motor vehicle.

This little game of watch “Hercy” stand in place is just one of the many fun and exciting activities unfolding in our household daily.  Some others include “Hide Mommy’s Shoes,” “Up-heave Mommy’s Underwear Drawer,” “Cram the Hand Towel into the Potty,” “Scatter the Q-Tips,” “Tip Over the Cat Bowl,” “Paint with Poop,” “Decorate the Hallway with Toilet Paper Streamers,” “Draw on Belly While Mommy’s Not Looking,” “Rip All Clothes off Hangers,” “Spit on Furniture,” “Swing From Kitchen Cabinets,” “Pull Cat’s Tail,” and last, but certainly not least, “THROW ALL OBJECTS.”

I’m freakin exhausted. 

While I understand that this is the “Terrible Twos” that I have been warned against since my days of babysitting….nothing could have prepared me for the reality of what’s rockin my world right now.  It doesn’t even seem that long ago that DJ and I had fallen into a harmonious routine – where good manners and a sweet disposition were at the head of this monarchy.  And then BAM, I woke up one day to find my sweet little daughter’s body inhabited by a royal brat.  Well, I take that back – there are still moments of pleasantness, but they’re mostly when she’s sleeping.

In fact, I am currently hiding in a corner of my living room – trying to act invisible so that I can actually finish this blog.  I am listening to my husband offer DJ gobs of Sunflower Seed Butter.  While I am certain that she believes she is getting a treat, I am guessing that he’s enjoying the silence that comes in three-second intervals while she smacks it across her tongue and works hard to swallow it down.  These days, we take silence any way we can get it.

Might I add, this Sunflower Seed Butter trick is not working.  She is now galloping around the house, panting like a dog.  I’ll take panting over the sassy sound of “NO!” reverberating through these four walls anytime.

While I know that I almost always try to end these blog entries with some silver lining, all I can come up with at the moment is that at least she is on track.  Developmentally, she has become that quintessential two year old whom authors upon psychologists have written about and studied for centuries.  Yay for us!

So I got hooked on the latest season of The Bachelorette, and while I’m not a huge fan of most reality TV shows, this one does suck me in once in a while. I’ve been a single mommy for about a year and a half, and while I’m quite happy this way, the longing for connection is most certainly there. The Bachelorette (or Bachelor, depending on the season), is looking for her / his soul mate, just like me… so regardless of the drama and producer edited twists and turns that are so abundant in these shows, the ultimate reality is that the main character on the show truly is looking for love. Some of the shows outcomes have been successful, others not so much… just as relationships in life go. Obviously going on a show like this is no where in the cards for me, nor would I want to ~ but I do watch these people fall in love and am reminded, in the midst of my crazy busy life, how much I do want a life long partner. TV show? No. Online dating? Yes.

I signed up for Match in January for a month. I did meet one wonderful guy, but we decided we were just friends and have actually stayed friends, going on playdates here and there with our girls. That in and of itself is truly wonderful. I may not have had much luck in love my first go around on a dating site, but I met a great friend and my daughter has a new great friend. Pretty cool. I then turned to a different and free site that seemed a little more “social network” style and seemed to fit my ideals a little better. Weeding through the myriad of choices is COMPLETELY overwhelming, not to mention how much I’ve changed since becoming a mommy and realizing that my standards are now not just for me, but for Allie as well. Sigh. It definitely has been frustrating at times. I have kind of ping-ponged between the two dating sites, been on a few dates, all with great guys, but no connection. As busy as my life has been these last several months, finding time to date and communicating online with all these possibilities was simply exhausting. I knew though, that my social life was lacking… and putting myself out there and taking care of myself is super important. I can’t be just a mommy and just a photographer. I need to meet people and go out to dinner and have a drink now and then and dress up and look pretty, darnet!

So then finally, there was this one man… 6 dates and an amazing connection later, we both realize that YES we have a connection, but NO we are not soul mates. Yes, I believe in soul mates ~ not just one… I believe we can have multiple soul mates, but that “knowing” will be there if you do cross paths with one… and the “knowing” was simply not there. Interestingly enough though, this man is in my life for a reason. I know I have a lot of inner work to do to better myself… don’t we all. I won’t pretend that I’m perfect or that I don’t have some baggage left over from the past… I do. I feel emotionally healthy, but I am someone that believes that we all could continually improve upon ourselves and our quest to be the best people we can be, for ourselves, for our kids, for our partners, for our families… in our work, in our hobbies, in our spiritual journeys. My now 6 month dating experiment has turned into a reminder of my inner journey ~ that it is not about finding “someone” to complete me, but yet it is about finding myself as best I can. Meeting this one person has opened up so much stuff for me, in so many good ways, and as a single mommy and woman on a quest for love, I am SO grateful for meeting people along the way that remind us to really look inside ourselves to find out what needs attention and how we can acknowledge and care for those parts of ourselves that may not be whole. The conversations and experiences I have had with this man were meant to happen, regardless of the outcome of our relationship.

I was meant to meet both of these men, play date friend and spiritual friend, as in doing so, I have solidified that finding “the one” may not be in the cards for me right now ~ but human connection and the connection with myself is most important… and when I’m truly ready, and probably not even looking online, my future partner will appear. My quest to date and find “the one” has now turned into a journey of inner work instead. I want to be truly successful in my next relationship, I want to be a steady and secure business owner, and completely confident photographer and I want Allie to have the best mommy she can have!