Posted by annemarie | Posted in Mommy-To-Be | Posted on 14-04-2012
A couple days ago I convinced myself I was pregnant. I was “late” and I just felt like something was different. Of course, when I took a test, not 24 hours later, I got confirmation I was not. It took me back to the times when I would convince myself I was pregnant and every time my hopes were defeated, for a whole year, they were negative. I really don’t want to go through that again, and yet, I know that it is probably my reality.
A lot of people have asked me if I would go through fertility treatments again. It seems like the easiest thing to do since my doctor’s office is just down the street and they have all my records and not to mention my husbands “soldiers” on ice, but I just really want to try this on my own. I want to see if it was just an “unexplained” infertility issue, or something more serious that might have been over looked.
The other day, I was in the “family planning” section of CVS looking at Basal Body Thermometers, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. I started to sweat and feel panicked at the thought of doing all of this over again. It was one of those moments where time just stood still and I wanted to scream. If you have never experienced the dread and hopelessness that comes with infertility, it is really hard sometimes. Please consider yourself lucky if you are one of those “fertile” people and please be compassionate to those who are not. It’s a hard and long road and it can seem overwhelming at times. I was lucky enough to have PJ take me out of my panic and put me on solid ground again. Everyday she reminds me that I can get pregnant again and if she is all I have ever have, then I am peace.
Right now, I am uber sensitive to those who ask me if PJ is my only. I hate it when strangers ask me if I want another or even if I’m pregnant. Sorry, but unless I have a babies head coming out of my you-know-what, then please don’t ask that dreaded question. Just because my kid is 2.5 doesn’t mean it warrants anyone to ask such questions.
Thank you for listening to my rant and jumbled emotions today—it was a hard week with realizing I have to go through another round of pregnancy tests, but I’m hopeful of the future.