Posted by annemarie | Posted in Mommy-To-Be | Posted on 12-05-2012
Tags: AnneMarie Sanford, infertility, Mommy to be
5 pee sticks later and a lot, and I mean a lot of tears, I can announce that I’m not pregnant. I had convinced myself, which is becoming a pattern lately, that I was pregnant. I had every symptom imaginable and I “felt” pregnant. I kept telling my husband that I would totally and utterly be surprised if I wasn’t and then…my “friend” came 4 days early which is starting to make me think that my cycles are all messed up again. Not only was it a huge letdown, but it was an even bigger letdown when I realized that even though there is always “next month,” that slogan is not true for me unless you still believe in immaculate conceptions. My husband is basically gone for the entire month of May, which means I’m looking at June as the next time I can “try.”
The weird and very lovely thing is that I’m over it. I bounced back and didn’t sink into the depths of despair. I put my big girl panties on, literally, and re-entered life as I know it. The fact is, I can’t go off emotions anymore when it comes to baby making. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a reason why I’m not pregnant right now and I have to trust in timing and not freak out. Maybe it’s because I have been through this before and I know that one day I will be able to announce that I have a little one growing inside me and right now I should just enjoy the process.
If I’m being honest, there are a lot of times when I wish to myself I was one of those women who had the issue of being too fertile. Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to have the reverse problem and be scared every time my husband and I were intimate. Even though that comes with it’s own set of problems, I often wish I had that problem. I wish I could just pick the month I wanted to get pregnant and it happen. Believe me, I have friends that do.
I do believe we are all given hardships in life. This is mine and I have to embrace it and be okay with it. It’s a tough hardship to have and yet I have grown so much from it. It has given me patience, compassion, and most of all a desire to be a voice to those who struggle in silence. I don’t claim to be one of those women who have it super duper hard when it comes to infertility. I’m not Giuliana Rancic, but I have gone through the process of being told I might not ever have children. If I have to go through 500 pee sticks to see a positive I will. Boy, my husband is one lucky man!
The other morning when I peed for the last time and saw that last negative of the month, my sweet girl waltzed into the bathroom and was wearing her Daddy’s hat. She came over to me and said, “Wook Mommy, I Daddy.” Really, that was all I needed to put me back into reality and LITERALLY get me off the pitty pot. I proceeded to grab her and hold her and thank the heavens above for our little miracle.