The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

It’s all about him…

Because….we are “having” a BOY!! And by having, i mean that we are whole heartedly welcoming a snuggly little guy old into our hearts and home as his foster parents, and maybe we will become his forever family.  We are committed to his best –which at this point is a concurrent home (foster placement) and this means a totally new reality for us.  A year ago, I would have said that having a child placed with us with the possibility of being removed after a year would be the “worst case scenario”. In our case, there are upcoming court dates and the a very real possibility of reunification, which might be the best case for him.  I am not sure when in this looooooong process that my heart was softened, but now, I am confident that this is the child for us, for this time–even with no guarantees of the conclusion to his tale.

Let me back up…

Our call a couple weeks ago, turned into another call, and a meeting, and a whole lot of information gathering…

Then, turned into a 13 day “adoption labor”…as in REALLY difficult to wait.  Just as I yelled things like: “get this baby out of me!” when I was laboring with my birth children, this time I was ranting: “get this baby over here!” This is truly due it own post, most likely entitled: “Seven days of Hell”  or “The Big I”, or “Having a Mini Panic Attack Every Hour because I Have NO Control Over How Our Lives are maybe are About to Change.” But, hey, it’s not about me, right?

So, next week we get to meet him. We were hoping/ thinking/planning for it to be sooner, but then (shocker!) things change. After we meet him, we will work out a two week process of transitioning him into our home. Then begins our new reality as foster parents!! As you can imagine, we have been busy re-arranging the kids’ rooms, preparing, asking all our loved ones for hand-me-downs and carpool help.  It’s truly exciting to know that he is just around the corner…even if our “plan” now looks a little different than we had originally imagined.

So, in light of our new family situation, I am going to take a break from blogging, and really hunker down to get to know Little Man.  As I already said, “it’s not about you”…but, I am breaking up with you (for a time!)  We have been asked to keep the details of his family private and I just don’t know how to not gush and gush and gush about him.  But, I do want to thank you for your online “listening” ear and encouragement over this past year.

So, what next? Well, I’ll leave you with what seems to be my mantra lately:

One Day at a Time

A seed, good soil, sun light and time

A shoot, grows taller and taller

Fresh water, daily, it learns to soak it in and it becomes stronger

A bud, it begins to open and bright color pours fourth

More time passes for it to fully open and become…

a Sunflower

A call, a possibility, and time

A boy, a baby, who needs a home

Uncertain, a risk, yet an opportunity

hoping, waiting, thinking

Another call, this may actually happen

A scheduled meeting , that perhaps may soon lead to…

A placement of a little guy that soon becomes…

our son.

Alright, lets stick with the pet theme…

This summer has been a mix of highs and lows, of ups and downs, of pain and joy.

For one thing, we just had a million guests, and an awesome camp trip and through it all I was looking for ice to put on my back because I hurt lower back (bulging disc at L-5) and now have chronic pain that makes leaning over to put on my socks one of the most difficult tasks of the day.

We  have had some extra sweet family reunion time, cousin snuggle time and super sweet meals with friends, yet, at each of those things I feel a bit sad as I’ve imagined that we’d have one extra little Hall there with us. In fact, this last week has left me extra down because I wanted “adopted child” to be able to meet family and now they have all come and gone.  Also, I was hoping for some down time with our new one, but now we are back into school schedules and whatnot.

But, the biggest up/down was walking into a quiet house after a long drive- quiet because we couldn’t find our dog. We came home on Sunday night and the gate was closed, but the yard was empty.  We drove around, we whistled and called, and I made up “Lost Dog” signs with this little picture:

Sproutie is our “first” child- we got her our first year of marriage and have enjoyed many-a-good snuggle and long walk together.  I know one day she will die and we will all cry like babies, but I’m not ready for that yet.  The SPCA shelter did not open until 11 on Monday…and we were anxious. I didn’t even want to call, I wanted to be the first one there to look.  We walked down the hallway with cute little doggies all crowded in little cage rooms.  No Sprout.  We walked through the next hallway, out the outside hallway, in the next hall and through the far door.  At the end of this last walkway, in the very last enclosure on the left, there she was.  Looking anxious and excited and I may have even been crying before we even got to her!

We are thankful she is home again, and we are currently cuddled up and cozy.

Adopting has been a bunch of ups and downs and we are still “technically” in the PRE-adoption phase.  We are at the top of the roller coaster  hill: we’ve received another phone call about another possible placement.  And now we are just waiting for our corkscrew “twist.”

We are just waiting to be found. Matched. Placed. We are waiting to be cuddled up and cozy as a family of FIVE (plus one dog and two lizards.)

Some people say faith is a childish game. Well, play on, children, like it’s Christmas day

Last weekend we got to enjoy a family camp and heard some beautiful songs by Drew and Ellie Holcomb, and the above words stuck with me from their song, entitled “Live forever”.  It’s a song that makes me think of children running through a big field of flowers. Here’s another line:

Take courage when the road is long…

Yes, that is where we are now: on a loooooong road of adopting and it truly takes a bit of faith.  and patience. and more faith. and hope.

When I was eight, I started attending summer camp for one week each summer. I would count down the days starting in February (or whenever my mom signed me up) and look forward to the day I’d arrive in Wolf Mountain and get to spend my days riding horses, singing around the campfire, playing capture the flag and floating down the stream on an inner tube. I had faith that the day would arrive.  I didn’t doubt it. I celebrated greatly when we had counted down until the day right before, then I’d barely sleep from all the excitement.

When I was eleven, I got to go to my first Young Life camp- Trail West- in Colorado with my Aunt Mary Jane.  I loved square dancing, the morning trail rides, meeting new pen pals (yes, we actually wrote real letters with paper- imagine!) and eating the best desserts ever.

When I was still 13, before I even started high school, my friend Shannon and I went to Woodleaf.  We were the littlest, so we were just the perfect size to hang out all day at the blob and be skyrocketed by the biggest people we could find to launch us. We never second- guessed a thing. We had faith that we would be okay. We had fun!

I went to this camp each year  and then, I went to other fun camps as a leader from the time I was 16 and on. The best summer EVAH was when I was 19 and  joyfully  (perhaps, childishly?!) played in the mud as a Ridgerunner Wrangler on summer staff. I truly met lifelong friends, discovered a bit about myself, enjoyed being outdoors from sunup till sundown and the laughter that comes from living in-the-moment.

Have you heard it said:

It is about the journey, not the destination

Yes, our end “goal” is to have another child in our home, but part of me writing about this season of our lives is that I don’t want to miss the lessons in the journey.

Thankful to be back at Woodleaf last week again, and can just imagine one more little face to join these kids in “jail” next time we come back.  So, if faith is a childish game, then bring it on! I want more of it!

We have had the Olympics on our minds, and we have been hearing a lot about reaching for our dreams.  It takes time, effort and a lot of hard work to reach those dreams.  Well, I have some dreams, and sometimes my heart aches because it is going to take all of us to make these dreams come true.  I say HOW? HOW?, but I know the answer:  through taking one step that I can do today, and by through making our priorities the things that matter most.

I have a dream:

that all kids would have clean water.

Across the globe, more than 3,000 children die each day from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation facilities.  (www.unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have some food in their bellies when they go to sleep at night.

Prices for basic food like rice, maize, wheat, oil, sugar and salt are skyrocketing, forcing millions of the world’s poorest children into severe malnourishment and starvation (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have a chance at education.

In the aftermath of war, often nothing can make a child feel more secure than having a school to go to. After the Rwandan genocide, 800,000 people were dead and 95,000 children were orphaned. Many children had witnessed horrible violence or were forced to commit atrocities. For these children, going back to school meant a return to normalcy. (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have the delight and support of at least one parent.

According to reports, there were more than 400,500 children in the US foster system in 2011.  (http://faq.acf.hhs.gov)

I’m not the first to have these dreams, and I know I must re-focus myself constantly. Olympic athletes are focused on one goal and they are not distracted, not veering to the left or to the right. These quotes hit the target in the bullseye.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“It’s the greatest poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.” Mother Teresa

“Every child you encounter is a divine appointment.” Wess Stafford, President, Compassion International (Oh man, his book: Too Small to Ignore, rocked my world!)

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” Albert Einstein

Have you all seen this video? It will make you cry! 

The hardest job in the world, is the best job in the world.

Here’s why I love this:

It doesn’t matter what ethnicity you are, what your cultural traditions you have, or what your political beliefs are… a mom just wants the best for her child.

It doesn’t matter if you became pregnant when you weren’t really planning on it, conceived him after 3 rounds of IVF, or traveled halfway across the world to adopt him… a mom cares enough to help her child achieve his dreams.

It doesn’t matter if you fed your toddler only organics, signed her up for tutoring at 18 months of age, or sent him to a private school of some sort… you will still love her win or lose, succeed or fail.

This video shows four different moms cooking, cleaning and sacrificing to get their children to practice because moms are willing to do just about anything for their children. Though we may have our differences, we truly are more alike than not. As moms (and dads!) we long to teach them the things that matter: hard work, persistence and integrity of character.

The way we adopt our child is not what will make him/her our “real” child…it’s what we do with our time after that child is placed in our home; it’s the unconditional love and commitment we show through our actions.

So, no matter how we all got here, let’s celebrate the journey of the hardest and best job ever and continue encouraging each other along the way.

To my mom,

…who loves me not because how I came into the world, but because she saw me as a unique and precious miracle

…who accepts me not based on anything I do or achieve, but simply because I am hers

…who has taught me to value the things that truly do matter… loving and forgiving and caring for people

Thanks, mom.

While we wait, we will cultivate thankfulness.  I want to be able to be grateful for the things in my ordinary life, even if the limits of my patience are being tested.  I want to find deep joy in simple things, and I don’t want to be looking so far ahead that I miss the beauty of the present. We are waiting to grow our family through adoption, but I want to help lead our family to just take the time to see the joy all around us today.

Orange… Thankful for an almost ripe tomato that glistens with fresh water, the ribbons on the balloons that my Hunnie got for my birthday, and the stripe of paint on my girl’s artwork hung up to admire

Yellow…the amber, yellow of a Chardonnay shared with our friends in Napa, the warm soft sand in Santa Cruz and the lemon collected from our dear cousins’ house

Green… a happy little broccoli,  fresh potted basil, and the basket that carries up my warmly dried clothes

Blue… Rejoicing in the creative crazy looking animals with bright booties, the Pacific Ocean right over the ridge, a frilly apron

Purple…Thankful for the berries we picked in Pescadero, at the Russian River and while lazily wandering by a peaceful pond

I am starting a list of 1000 things that I am thankful for and I am asking my family to join me in naming 3 things a day for the next year.

Want to join me?

Can you get “adoption cravings” like you get “pregnancy cravings”? Many years ago, a large slice of chocolate cake passed by me at dessert and it did not look tasty at all.  Yep, I knew it! I was pregnant.  The only thing that sounded good was vegetables (what?!) and loads of bread to keep the pukies back. The next time I was pregnant, same thing: three months of only wanting healthy stuff, followed by 6 months of an appetite as big as the moon.  So, I am once again craving healthy stuff, but this time it has taken some hard work, re-training and major self control. … So far, this ” adoption pregnancy” has been over a year and since I don’t know when baby will come, I figured I can’t go by the old plan of 9 months to put on weight, 9 months to take it off… (which was not so much the reality for me anyhow).

Basically, while we wait, I am going to make some overdue health changes! I have a little more time and I am ready to focus on making some changes.  I have been believing things that just aren’t true.  I need to “weed” out some lies, replace them with truth and be strong enough to make some changes that will benefit both me and my family long term. While we were waiting to watch the new Batman movie (yes, it’s great!) I saw an ad for coke (my favorite!)

“Open Happiness”…well, it’s a lie.  And I’ve believed it for a long time.  I have bought into the do what makes you happy in the moment because parenting is about survival in the first years.  The thing is that my kids are older now, and not having everyday tantrums and there truly is not any “need” for me to dive into the candy jar or cookie dough or super-sized coke to find happiness at the end of a trying day.  Now, it’s just a bad habit.  I have been starting my day with soda (I say because it makes me sweeter, but not really) and, my kids have been noticing. Hmmm.  I think it is time for me to find better ways of coping and new things that make me happy.  So, I’m learning to love (even crave?) some healthier foods.

So, this week I’ve cut all soda!  I have cut out desserts!  And, I’m working towards cutting bread/ white flour out too (Gina, you’ve inspired me But, it isn’t easy.  I think that training is never easy.  I think, similarly, parenting is never easy. But, it is a combination of our daily choices that all have consequences, both good and bad.

I want to make choices that will be beneficial and this is a habit that needed to be broken before another child joins us.  I don’t want him/her to think the answer to problems is just to open a bag of cookies.  (Wow, how often does my kid fall down and I literally say, “A lollipop will make it all better.”) I want to display self control in my own life so that when I ask my children to have self control they will have actually seen it modeled.  I want them to know there are more positive ways to deal with stress, because Future Child might have some stuff to deal with.

Note, this is not me preaching at anyone.  I think we (especially women) ought to do a better job first at accepting/ loving ourselves, but also be willing to make some hard changes when necessary.  It is simply my personal journey of whats going on during this ever-growing season of waiting and how we are preparing our home, hearts and minds for whatever lies ahead.

How do you make changes in your life that are necessary? How do you change your cravings?

“Siblings without rivalry” …

Is the name of a book I once owned…and I MUST find it, because siblings WITH LOTS of rivalry, stinky faces, ugly words and constant fussing is the reality in my house.

We just returned from a family reunion at the Russian River and I wanted a day to sleep, get organized, find items that are still missing even though I’ve mostly unpacked.  But, I am a mom (and truly thankful for that) and those things had to fit around dominoes and art with my little ones, feeding the never-full little bellies, catching up on emails and cleaning (all of which I am okay with)… oh, AAAAND… breaking up the constant bickers between my children (not so okay with this.)  I really tried to just ignore the yelling, fighting and tattling, so I could carry on with my chillax plan, but reading a book or lounging around just didn’t happen.

It is the dead center of summer.  I am loving our field trips, family fire pit time, summer camps, evening walks and especially the occasional day we get to stay in our pajamas until 3pm.  I am not loving that those “lazy” chill days are anything but relaxing because I have to spend extended time correcting and separating two kids who can not seem to get along for more than 10 minutes at a time (unless the tv is on, and I’d prefer it off…just one more thing to “argue” about, right?)  Plus, some days I feel very anti-noise. Hmmm, that’s a dilemma as a parent, for sure.  And, I am also a hybrid of an extrovert and an introvert.  I feel like I had “used up” all my words and all my energy “points” allotted to me and now, I just wanted to be silent.  Hmmm, another dilemma for anyone who shares a house with anyone at all, let alone small verbal children.

HELP! Parents, give me your tried and true tips for promoting respect between siblings and keeping my sanity!!

My little “muffins” are 3.5 years apart so they have different interests based on age.  They are two different genders, and they also have very different personalities.  I try to find the common ground between them and build on it.  Today, I gave them both “independent homework” aka a pile of books and worksheets, maps and reading activities.  Still, I ended up just taking them to a park, where they could both play with different friends on different things, but really?!?!  I’d like to just be able to stay at home and have them get along!! Is that just a dream? Or, is it a possibility? And, I’d like to know HOW? I feel like I spend the day saying to my children: “Were those words kind? Did that action show love? Is that respectful to Mommy?”…truly, those are the only rules we have because they all go back to the heart– I want our kids to want to treat each other with love.

Of course, I am always thinking of how this will affect “future child” who will be joining our family.  I want him/ her to experience love all around. I want him/ her to experience a mutual compassion and respect in this house.

So, perhaps I go back to a “Caught being Kind” chart? The way I see it, I can try to make a positive game of it and make it a goal to do loving things to one another each day. Or, I can keep going the nagging route, where my children visit the corner every day– sometimes every hour– and lose minutes off their bedtime again and again and again. Which route has worked for you? How have you stopped the squabbling and built up the friendship between siblings?

Yesterday, when I went to pick up my kids from day one of their super-fun morning camp, I cheerfully said: “I’m so glad you all can go and enjoy camp!!”

My boy’s snarky reply: “I know why, it’s because you like to have a break from us.”

True, but when DID I SAY THAT? I’m racking my brain, I’m feeling guilty, I’m wondering if I said it on a phone call he overheard, I’m ready to argue about “why isn’t ok for mommy to have a break, huh, Buster?”

But, what I said was (in my sweetest voice I could muster): ” No, love, I am glad you can go to camp because it is a privilege (when did you get so spoiled, I think) and because I used to loved going to camp (and I actually care about doing nice things for you, I add in my head) and I know you are loving being there with your friends.”

But, his comment nagged me all day.  I am cautious about my words, I wake up in the morning mentally preparing for the day and planning/ hoping to use only words that gently correct, calmly mold, patiently guide and truly build up each of my kids.  How did he pick up on something that was pretty much true, but definitely NOT what I wanted to communicate.  Hmmm, now I’m going to have to be more careful about my tone, and even what I do not say, but imply (maybe by the relieved sigh I gave upon dropping them off.)

So, today, I apologized and let them both know that I love spending time with them, and I also do enjoy being able to have time with daddy or a friend (or the dishes like I did today) when we are apart.  But, I really want to communicate that they are my best friends and most important to me and if I communicated that I was bothered by them, I was truly sorry.  (Yes, I gave a too-wordy shpiel)

His reply: “I’m sorry too, sometimes when I’m in a bad mood I just say stuff to be mean.”

Oh, alright, sooooo, I guess that we both need to work on what we say and what we communicate by our non-verbals as well.  And, be quick to apologize always.  And, maybe I need to not overthink things all the time, huh?

I don’t know exactly how this relates to being “Adopting mommy” except to say that I pretty much over-think things all the time because I am really trying (probably too hard, if that’s possible) to be the best at my job as a mommy so that when future child comes everything will just be so smooth.  But, lets be honest, I’m not going to solve all family communication problems today and therefore be somehow more ready for our family to grow.

I am awake every morning around 3 am, and as clear as my thinking is in that foggy-middle-of-the-night way, I worry about “messing up” my kids. (both kids I’ve birthed, but for some reason especially someone else’s child they have “given” me.) I worry about wounding them (especially a child that brings with him/her the wounds of loss.)  I worry about what my kids perceptions are of me…It really does no good if I think I’ve been a fine parent, but they have perceived something totally different. (Exhibit A, ahem…. the aforementioned dialogue.)

But, when did worrying ever help anybody? A little less worrying, a little less thinking, a little less speaking perhaps.  And a lot more words and actions that demonstration my love and delight in being with my children.