The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

A few weeks ago, I took my kids to a birthday party where I didn’t know many of the parents. They all knew each other and everyone was very pleasant. Yet, I noticed something odd about ten minutes into the party. The moms were all still talking to each other, but every one of them had an iPhone out, scrolling through who knows what in the midst of conversation. Quaint dings and dongs were going off, pretty little heads were bobbling and there was an occasional, “Oh, look, I have a picture of that right here!”

Once I noticed it at the party, I started noticing it EVERYWHERE. The mom at the playground nodding away her child’s, “Look at me, Mommy!” on the monkey bars. The patient checking in at the OB/GYN office, texting while whispering her name and birthdate to the receptionist. At the spa, in the bathrobe, fresh from a massage, ON THE PHONE. Women leaning over shopping carts while kids grab cereal boxes off of store shelves. Nannies walking down the street with toddlers ambling half a block behind them, completely oblivious to their surroundings. And yes, moms in the car with kids, on the phone while driving past the elementary school! (With a Baby On Board bumper sticker, to boot!)

I know we are all pulling our phones out to carry us through dull moments in our day: elevators, waiting rooms, long lines. We take videos, find directions and retrieve immediate pop trivia answers that linger on the tips of our tongues. I understand why teenagers do this at boring family functions.

I’ve given an iPhone to my kids in restaurants to make it through the meal.  I get it. Tonight, I will probably download an app to keep track of my contractions. And I bet I’ll be tempted to reach for that phone not ten minutes after this baby is born to call home while nurses are cleaning up my newborn, if I can wrestle it away from my husband snapping a hundred pictures a minute. Technology is woven into the very fabric of our culture and daily lives. Really, I get it!

But moms! Come on! Can’t we have old-fashioned adult conversations and look each other in the eye? I know we are multitasking all the time but this is an unhealthy compulsion. We need to take the lead on this before our kids start expecting the instant gratification of youtube or angry birds before they even hit preschool.

I challenge you all this Mother’s Day to actually stop and enjoy this day devoted to you. Resist the urge to send out cheesy e-greetings to your closest 500 mom friends while checking for witty comments to your posts with Pavlovian fervor. You do not need to “like” every scalloped-edge poem about the joys of motherhood, or scroll through endless albums of mother’s day mishaps. Hello! Your kid spent an hour making that adorable card. Look up from the screen! The most important relationships you have are with the people here. With you. Now.

Come Monday, when you update that Facebook profile with a beautiful picture of your family post-brunch, you can be sure that those smiles are authentic. And then you can tweet about it.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!

Last week’s visit to the labor and delivery unit reminded me of a few things I dislike about hospitals: that not-so-subtle aroma of latex gloves and disinfectant, bright lights and those darn hospital gowns. The hospital gown in particular makes me feel like a patient and I would really prefer to concentrate on keeping composed in labor than trying to keep my bottom covered up.

I got the go-ahead to wear my own gown from the hospital as long as it offers easy access for I.V.’s and breastfeeding. So with those parameters in mind, I set out to find alternatives. Turns out, there are quite a few companies making hospital gowns in pretty colors and patterns. In fact, one of them looks more like a dress Marilyn Monroe would have worn to a Hollywood premiere. I’m not really a halter top kinda gal so I’ll skip that one. Some have velcro closures going all down the back, some have cutouts to let that belly loose with a quick tug of a peekaboo pull-tie, some even have matching pillow cases. Then, voila, I found one that looked to fit all categories of modesty and style. The only downside? The price tag: $50! Organic cotton, machine washable, cute patterns… But surely you are going to have to throw this thing out after a messy birth, right? I’ll admit, I was tempted.

Some women go for a sports bra, some a strapless coverall with a bandeau top. I think I’ll go with an inexpensive, short-sleeved nursing gown. Something comfortable that I may have to part with at the end of this journey. So into the hospital bag it goes with a little lip gloss and a healthy dose of anticipation.

Did you forego a clinical hospital gown for something a little lovelier?

Not yet...but soon!

My husband and I had an unintended practice run to the hospital this week. At my routine appointment, I asked the doctor to do a test strip to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid. I was sure I wasn’t, I said, but I wanted to be on the safe side. From experience, I know that there is a risk of infection if your water breaks. I expected that if the test strip came back positive, there would be talk of bed rest and antibiotics, maybe even an inducement later on, but I thought I’d have some time to go home, see my children and get my hospital bag. My doctor was concerned enough to send me directly to labor and delivery to have a more thorough swab test. What I didn’t realize was that they were probably not going to release me from the labor and delivery unit if that test came back positive for amniotic fluid.

When I checked in, the nurse had me fill out some paperwork. I noticed there were several pages and I asked if I needed to fill everything out. Seems silly when I’m not coming here to HAVE the baby, right? She responded, “Well, if you deliver your baby today, we should have all of this on file.” Say what?! In that moment, it occurred to me that this was serious. If the test came back positive, I wasn’t going anywhere and may even be induced. TODAY. I was a bit panic-stricken in that moment. Will the baby be OK? Will I have to lay here hooked up to monitors and IV’s for hours on end? Who will pick up the kids? Is the house clean? We don’t even have a car seat yet!

I put on a hospital gown and belly band, and got hooked up to the monitor. Across the room, all the bells and whistles were ready for a baby to be born. It was as if we were checking in for the main event. I even had a chance to peek at the room service menu. But what were we going to do if this was it? For the next hour or two, we sat talking about a game plan. What is where, who needs to be picked up and when, who to call and what I would need from home.

By the time the test results came back, negative thank goodness, a new sense of calm had washed over me. It can happen today and we can do this. I am ready.

I am 38 and pregnant with my third child. I thought I had heard every question one could ask of a pregnant woman, some cute and caring, some inappropriate. I am not offended easily so I never flinched when a stranger reached out to caress my pregnant belly in Target, asked if I preferred a girl or boy, or told me their harrowing birth story.

So at first I was unfazed by the question I fielded so often after announcing my third pregnancy…

“Were you trying?”

I have been asked this question by family, acquaintances and total strangers. Usually, my response is an instinctive, “Yes”, followed by a cheery recap of how we decided to go for three. But if you think about it, this is a very awkward question to ask. Is this a subtle commentary on my “advanced maternal age”? Are people suggesting that they think three children are too many? Are they curious about the effectiveness of various birth control methods or wondering if I used “interventions” to conceive? I mean, where does this conversation have the potential to go?

For those of you that like to be ready with a zinger at moments like these, here are a few charming responses to this probing question:

• After many strenuous months of ineffective intercourse, we had resigned ourselves to adopting a puppy. And then, surprise! (Save this one for a buttoned up in-law; insert reference to 50 shades for maximum effect.)
• Yes, it has always been my dream to have 10 children, just as my grandparents did. I think these eggs will be good to go for another decade!
• I know I will be in my 60’s when this kid graduates from college but I work out a lot so…I should be in tip top shape to dance at his wedding.
• Well, I was trying…but don’t tell my husband that I forgot to take my pill for a few days.
• This is an oops baby and you guessed it, we’re really panicked. By the way, do you think you can babysit tonight…and tomorrow night?
• Just being a good Catholic. (I once said this to another parent at church. Got a chuckle, thank the Lord!)
• With every child born, we pledge to donate 10% of our profits to a 529 college plan and plant a tree in the rainforest.

Most people are asking this question because they are simply making conversation, but the next time a stranger asks this question I’m going to bust out with one of these responses just to catch them off guard. Have you been asked any wacky questions about your pregnancy?

I have a few friends who have had their children at home and have had wonderful experiences. Yet, I haven’t gone this route with any of my own children because I like the feeling that in an emergency, my baby will have care immediately available.  Of course, this sense of security comes with the challenges of giving birth in a hospital: interventions, monitoring, and shift changes.

My husband, John, who helped me regain control in the L&D ward.

The best advice I heard before having my children was to be ready to be your own advocate in the hospital.  Urgency does not always mean there is an emergency; ask for more time when you can.  So how do you know if your situation is truly an emergency? For one, ask the doctors and nurses.  Read what you can about what leads to interventions and know your body.

I am not a doctor, nurse or midwife.  So please don’t take this post as advice beyond my message that feeling safe and being knowledgable will certainly lessen the chances that you feel fear.  If you are overcome with fear, your labor may seem to come to a halt, putting you on the road to interventions you may not want.  In my case, being assertive and controlling my fear saved me from doing things I did not want to do in the labor and delivery room.

I have gone into both of my previous birth experiences thinking that I may just skip the painkillers altogether.  Each time, I did eventually ask for an epidural-but very late in the game.  During my first birth, I sat on the beach at Crissy Field with my husband and our dog and had a manageable early labor.  I was admitted to the hospital at around 5 centimeters but once I was in the room and in active labor, I was scared.  The contractions came so close together that I started to panic.  I was also afraid of the epidural but finally asked for it.  When I started pushing, the baby’s heart rate dropped (maybe due to fear, the epidural, or both).  As I was being rushed to the operating room, I remembered that being terrified would not help my situation.  I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.  The baby’s heart rate stabilized.  The epidural was wearing off and I could feel the baby’s head dropping.  I wanted more time.  My husband and I asked if I could be wheeled back my room to rest.  There was a little back and forth, we insisted, and I was given the opportunity to wait one hour.  Meanwhile, the nurses changed shifts, and a spunky new nurse (Starbucks cup in hand) came in and said “Let’s do this!”  Within the hour, I delivered my first son vaginally.

The second time I gave birth, my water broke but I did not go into labor.  My husband and I walked for hours and I finally went into labor nearly 20 hours later.  When I was admitted to the hospital, the doctor ordered a Pitocin drip. “Why?”, I thought.  I was already in labor and there was no way I would agree to Pitocin this early (or at least until I received an epidural).  So my husband and I kept insisting that we did not want to start the drip and, with a great nurse that supported our wishes, we were able to delay.  I pushed for about 30 minutes and we had another healthy boy!

You won’t be prepared for every scenario but you can have far more control over your hospital birth than you think if you do your homework.  Trust your support person, be it your spouse, a doula or a good friend.  Be comfortable with your doctor but prepared for another doctor to step in.  Keep your birth plan simple.  And don’t be afraid to ask for more time if there isn’t a true emergency.  Speak up!

I still have several weeks before I expect to go into labor. Yet, I keep having dreams that this baby is coming early so it’s time to tackle the ol’ to-do list! If I can scratch off one item a week, I should be in good shape.

1. Get the hospital bag ready.  I have joked that all I’m bringing to the hospital this time is a bottle of water and a onesie.  While my bag will be pared down considerably, I guess I should have a few essentials on hand.  My must haves? An Evian spray mister and lavender sachets.
2. Get the car seat installed (and have the car detailed).  Let’s see how long we can institute a no-food-in-the-car rule once this third seat is installed.  Cleaning between three car seats will be next to impossible and I can’t take the chance that one of the older kids decides to share his french fries.  No more In-N-Out trips for now!
3. Gather sibling essentials in a central location for caregivers. I’ll set up a basket with clothes and school supplies.  You could take this one up a notch and make an instruction binder a la Wife Swap…(don’t worry Bobbie, I won’t do that to you!)  Do what you can so you don’t fret (or field phone calls) about the older kids while you are at the hospital.
4. Pay bills a month or two ahead or setup automatic bill payments.  Try to foresee major yearly expenses coming up short-term.  The last thing you need to worry about are pesky late charges while you are bonding with your baby.
5. Organize diapers, wipes, and clothing for the first days at home.  Love this tip from my friend, Mari: Since we aren’t finding out the gender of the baby, she suggests buying a few onesies in both boy and girl colors and keeping the receipts. We can enjoy a pink explosion if we have a girl and return items we don’t need.
6. Stock up the freezer and pantry.  Mini muffins, lasagna, chicken cutlets…there are so many things that you can cook ahead of time and have ready in the freezer.  Pick a day to make a huge mess or just double your recipes for a few weeks and freeze.
7. Sign up for automatic delivery…of virtually anything. These days, you can have groceries, diapers, fresh produce and household items arrive at your door with the click of a button.
8. Get started on a birth announcement, be it paper or email. How cool is it that you can design and save a birth announcement to order right after the baby is born?
9. Amp up the walking routine. Feel like you keep seeing the same pregnant lady speed walking downtown?  It’s probably me.  Walking builds endurance, helps baby get into position and clears the mind.
10. Minimize. Last week, I put my pre-pregnancy clothes at the tippy-top of the closet. (I am so much happier getting dressed in the morning.)  This week, I will take some of the kids clothes and toys out of circulation.  This is probably a good time to go back on choking hazard patrol, too.  Say farewell to those Legos for now, boys!

You can’t be perfectly prepared for everything (if you are pregnant for the first time, you will be reminded of this very soon).  But feeling ready will give you a sense of control and freedom to be excited instead of panicked.  What are your tricks to feeling prepared?

Will we have a boy or a girl? I CAN stand the wait!

I have to say, I don’t know too many people that don’t find out the gender of their baby anymore.  I am a planner, so I understand the temptation.  When we were car seat shopping last week, I kind of wished I could know just for one day.  As my husband pointed out, a purple seat would be darn cute if we have a girl.  Come to think of it, I am kind of sick of all those green and yellow clothes.  But you really can’t beat the thrill of that moment when the doctor says, “Tell us Dad, It’s a…?”  That pronouncement, made by a proud father and relished by an exhausted mother makes it all worthwhile.  A room full of family and friends anxiously awaits the announcement. The dynamics of our family change from this moment on.

This time around is extraordinary, since our two sons are having a lot of fun guessing, hoping and thinking about the baby.  Right now, my eldest son is rooting for a girl, while my youngest is holding out hope for a boy.  The grandparents speak excitedly about how our family will function under each scenario; Friends forecast the results based on old wives’ tales about how I’m carrying or what I’m craving (currently, a girl is in the lead.)  My husband and I pour over baby name books to craft not one, but two, matchless monikers.

I always joke that the baby gender mystery provides motivation for me to push during labor.  There is truth to that for me.  With the new blood tests, you can find out your baby’s gender before you even start showing.  If I knew that early, I would have that kid’s name and future mapped out before the first contraction.  Labor would be an afterthought for me and I’d just want to get it all over with.  Not knowing keeps the excitement alive for me, just as that year between engagement and wedding day provides exhilarating anticipation.  When I am in the throes of childbirth, the main thing that will get me through (alongside buckets of ice chips) will be simply wanting to know who is about to be added to our family.

Will you find out the sex of your baby?

Omniscient baby companies have determined my due date and the onslaught of catalogs has begun.  Clever marketing preys on our inexperience and fears about caring for a newborn.  Like most first time parents, I fell into this trap.  A couple of baby showers later, we barely had space in the nursery for the baby!

There are nearly 200 suggested registry items on a certain big box store’s list of registry must-haves.  I don’t like clutter.  And no one enjoys sifting through clutter to find baby “essentials” on three hours sleep.

In my opinion, there are quite a few things you can scratch from your registry:

• A shopping cart cover, highchair cover or other germ-phobic device.  I rarely remember my reusable grocery tote, let alone a giant cover that doesn’t fit into a diaper bag.  Good luck carrying a baby and accoutrements while struggling to get little Johnny into that Houdini cart cover.  Consider using good old virus killing wipes.
• Urination deflection devices, e.g. pee-pee teepee.  When I received these as a gift, we all had a giggle over how cute and clever they were.  Getting peed on while reaching for aforementioned clever gift?  Not so funny.  Consider holding a clean diaper in the line of fire.
• Itty bitty receiving blankets and burp cloths.  These are small and so aren’t useful for long.  Consider an unconventional use for cloth diapers, which are simply squares of cloth that come in inexpensive packages of ten.  If you lose one, no big to-do.
• A wipe warmer. I find this one truly ridiculous unless you live in Antarctica.  This might be a stretch, but it sounds to me like a sure fire way to foster a sense of entitlement.  Consider that in the real world, we cannot be pampered at every given moment.
• Too many onesies.  Resist the urge to wash every item of clothing you get before the baby is born.  If you deliver a ten-pound baby (not that I am wishing that on anyone), your newborn wardrobe will be immediately obsolete.  This goes for diapers, too. Have a box of newborn and size 1 on hand, but don’t stockpile for the apocalypse.  Consider washing enough to get you through the first week or two.
• Several baby carriers.  Slings, wraps, front-carriers, hiking backpacks…one for every occasion!  And don’t get caught up in the “his and hers” baby carrier phenomenon.  Consider buying one carrier in a neutral color that both parents will wear.
• Racks, baskets and more racks.  There are dishwasher baskets, drying racks, diaper stacking caddies, milk storage organizers and baby food carousels.  This puts my clutter radar on high alert.  Consider keeping your countertops free of gadgets.
• Rubber ducks with thermometers.  These are meant to alert you to scolding hot bathwater.  Consider that we are not complete morons.  A hand or elbow will suffice!
• A spa bathtub.  Do you really want to pay $80 for a mini whirlpool tub?  What’s next, a baby sauna?  Consider a basic model that’s safe and stowable.
• Bumbo-type seats, walkers, sleep wedges, crib bumpers and car seat add-ons.  I lump these into one category because they are potentially more dangerous than useful if not used correctly.  Consider the research and recall notices on these items before making an investment.

Did you get caught up in the baby registry hype? Which products ended up in the donation bin?

Well, here I am on my three-hour tour of the blood lab. I’ve got my laptop, magazines and a sunny attitude. This test screens for gestational diabetes, a condition that can be managed but can potentially lead to preemclampsia. This brings to mind a certain episode of Downtown Abbey wherein Sybil’s eclampsia is diagnosed too late, so I decide this is a test worth taking.

During my last two pregnancies, I took the one-hour glucose challenge test with no problems. The 3-hour test is usually not ordered unless you fail the challenge test, but some doctors now advise patients to begin with the longer glucose tolerance test. In my case, that means fasting for 8-14 hours, followed by a blood draw. I’ll drink a concentrated glucose cocktail that contains 75 grams of sugar within 5 minutes. I will then have my blood drawn twice more over the next two hours. Oh, and I can’t leave the waiting room.

8:10 am     I have been starving since dawn. I think I’ll spend the second hour browsing online take-out menus. Please call my name soon!
8:30 am     I change it up and choose Lime over the popular Orange. Very tropical. The drink is sweet, but not undrinkable. Now to catch up on some reading…
9:00 am     I am nauseous now. Big time. I have been warned that if I can’t keep this drink down, I will have to come back and do this all again. Deep breaths.
9:10 am     I decide to make a break for the water fountain but as I get up, I am overwhelmed by a heat flash. Is this what it feels like just before you pass out? Sweating and disoriented, I raise my hand and mumble, “I’m not feeling so good over here.” Other patients in the waiting room look horrified.
9:15 am     Someone brings me a sip of water and a wheelchair. Are you kidding me? This is embarrassing but getting sick in the waiting room will be humiliating. Roll me back quick, Anita!
9:30 am     Thank goodness that wave has passed and I lie comfortably in a back room waiting for the next blood draw. The phelbotomist says that this happens from time to time. I decide to swear off refined sugar forever.
9:35 am     The baby has been frantically turning somersaults nonstop. I decide now that my children will not have any sugar – EVER AGAIN.
10:00 am     Am I having this reaction because I have gestational diabetes? I do what most of do even though we really shouldn’t, especially in the middle of a medical test: I google it. The search results make me feel better. It looks like MANY people have this reaction. Some people do pass out, or vomit right there in the waiting room. And lo and behold they do eventually pass the test.
10:05 am     Uh, oh. I am sweating and sick again. This time I know it will pass so I’m hanging in there. But I will admit, I am questioning my tolerance for all of this and thinking about what it feels like to be in labor. Time to start up those labor mediation CD’s again.
10:35 am     The final blood draw. I made it! (I later learn that I passed the test.)

Would I take this longer tolerance test again? I’m not so sure. I don’t have many risk factors associated with gestational diabetes. For me, the fasting and the sudden onslaught of glucose created a low blood sugar situation. My pancreas flooded my body with insulin, using up all my glucose stores. A diabetic described this to me as a “diabetic crash.” In retrospect, I wish I’d insisted on starting with the 1-hour test that typically does not require fasting. It’s surely worth having a conversation with your doctor to decide which test to take based on your own medical history.

Oh, the joys of being pregnant with your first child: midnight ice cream runs and baby showers, parenting books and pregnancy journals.  And oh, the first night home from the hospital: sleep-deprived panic.  Too often, I dismissed advice from veteran moms with a polite, naive nod.  Two kids later, and with a third on the way, I think I’ve learned my lesson.  Now that this Bugaboo’s been around the block a few times, I plan to get it right when baby #3 arrives.

1. I will sleep when the baby sleeps.  I seriously scoffed at this adage because I like to “get things done.”  I once tried to do my income taxes during nap times; I do not recommend that strategy.  Of course, with two older children, I’ll have school schedules to consider.  But if you are a first time mom, I implore you: rest!
2. I will ask for help.  So lucky I have been to receive offers from friends and family to lend a hand; and how gracious I have been to say, “That is so nice of you!” and never take anyone up on it.  My husband went back to work a few days after my second child was born, and I had an 18-month old to care for at the same time.  Not asking for help was a big mistake!
3. I will go outside at least once a day.  My best baby days started with a solo walk to the coffee shop to clear my head.
4. I will breastfeed, but this kid is getting a pacifier ASAP.  I once walked a mile down the Embarcadero hunched over a stroller.  I was trying to calm a screaming child by putting my pinky in his mouth (this was the sage advice I had read in a parenting book).  If breastfeeding is going well for you, don’t feel you have to adhere to the 3-week rule.  Which leads to #5:
5. I will wing it once in a while.  I EXCLUSIVELY breastfed my first child.  Seeing how exhausted I was after my second son was born, my friend Erin suggested that I sub in a bottle of formula here and there.  Guess what?  I got a few more hours of sleep and he survived!
6. I will challenge my crazed hormones to a dance-off.  Picture a madwoman pacing the floor at dusk with a crying infant in a sling and a toddler on the brink of a tantrum.  When the witching hour arrives for me, doing something wacky, like having an impromptu dance party, breaks the monotony.
7. I will put on the television.  There, I said it.  My kids can watch T.V. sometimes and I will no longer judge myself.  I’m not suggesting you get an infant hooked on Days of Our Lives, but don’t feel like you should be teaching one kid sign language, while teaching the older sibling chess strategy on 2 hours sleep.  The first time our neighbors invited us to have a glass of wine while the kids watched a Disney movie, I nearly wrote them into my will.
8. I will not attempt to go to a restaurant/family reunion/long car trip/or God-forbid an airplane for as long as I deem fit.  I have no illusions now that I won’t have to change my lifestyle when an infant comes along.  So I am sorry to report that I will not be attending your destination wedding in Puerto Rico two weeks after my due date.
9. I will be more social, on my terms.  Nothing makes you feel more isolated after having a baby than completely isolating yourself.  The thought of entertaining a crowd is daunting, so I’ll keep a few cheesecakes on hand in the freezer – Golden Girls style – and invite a friend to stop by.  Or, I’ll call an east coast confidante and eat the entire cheesecake myself. (Hey, I’ll be breastfeeding!)
10. I will be more present and positive.  I can’t wait to see the joy of embracing a new sibling through my children’s eyes.  I’ll even get in front of the camera this time, to fully document our growing family in its most precious, fleeting moments.

Is there any advice you wish you’d taken in the first few months of becoming a parent?