The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

We have had the Olympics on our minds, and we have been hearing a lot about reaching for our dreams.  It takes time, effort and a lot of hard work to reach those dreams.  Well, I have some dreams, and sometimes my heart aches because it is going to take all of us to make these dreams come true.  I say HOW? HOW?, but I know the answer:  through taking one step that I can do today, and by through making our priorities the things that matter most.

I have a dream:

that all kids would have clean water.

Across the globe, more than 3,000 children die each day from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation facilities.  (www.unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have some food in their bellies when they go to sleep at night.

Prices for basic food like rice, maize, wheat, oil, sugar and salt are skyrocketing, forcing millions of the world’s poorest children into severe malnourishment and starvation (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have a chance at education.

In the aftermath of war, often nothing can make a child feel more secure than having a school to go to. After the Rwandan genocide, 800,000 people were dead and 95,000 children were orphaned. Many children had witnessed horrible violence or were forced to commit atrocities. For these children, going back to school meant a return to normalcy. (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have the delight and support of at least one parent.

According to reports, there were more than 400,500 children in the US foster system in 2011.  (http://faq.acf.hhs.gov)

I’m not the first to have these dreams, and I know I must re-focus myself constantly. Olympic athletes are focused on one goal and they are not distracted, not veering to the left or to the right. These quotes hit the target in the bullseye.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“It’s the greatest poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.” Mother Teresa

“Every child you encounter is a divine appointment.” Wess Stafford, President, Compassion International (Oh man, his book: Too Small to Ignore, rocked my world!)

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” Albert Einstein

Last Sunday, all day long I kept saying,

I feel like I just found out I’m pregnant and also just found out I’m in labor.

Everything felt like it should stop, but life just kept going. I had taken out some meat to thaw and joked that perhaps we’d have another child before that even was ready to be eaten! Of course, the following day was Sunday, which just means we see a lot of people.  We couldn’t keep “the call” to ourselves, because we are open books!  Also, we love our family and our church community and honestly we have tried to be transparent in this journey of life…the highs and lows. This roller coaster has had some twists and turns for sure, and this was just another tall climb and fast drop.

So, last Saturday we got a call about a woman who had a baby that day, had seen our profile and wanted to put her child up for adoption through our agency and maybe to us! We just had to give it a night.  Well, of course, we hardly slept, tried to let the kids and family know that we might be going through some big changes, like, immediately, and then waited.

We checked our phones a number of times, washed some baby clothes, “nested” by cleaning our house, stocked the fridge from Costco…mostly because I was so restless and had to do something. We prayed for the perfect plan for this little girl to unfold, whether it included us or not.  Still waiting, I sat down and dozed off and then, RING!!! The call we have been waiting for!

The birth mom has chosen another family.  She wants her child to be a gift for a family who does not/ cannot have children.  And, I feel like I am happy the child will be in a great home, I am sad that my children won’t have a little sibling today, and I feel everything in between.  Our director said to us, “Its like having to have your bags packed, but then waiting.”…Yes, thats the tension I had felt all day.  What do I DO?!

Sister Bear is currently building this race car in our new vacuum box:

And, that is exactly it:  It is hard to pack your bags for a “trip”, attempt to make/ rearrange plans for the possibilities and then have to wait for the right car to pick you up!  But, you also DO want to take the “right” car that was meant for you when your trip ought to take you to New York (as opposed Pahrump, or wherever.)  

So, we are ready and yet, we wait some more.

It is summer and because I want to re-emphasize again and again that we can/ should/ will love learning, we have been doing some fun little science projects.  Most have worked, some have not.  (Awww, she said the raisins were supposed to dance…sadly, ours did not.)

We have been trying some of these little experiments I found here.  And, I googled (one of my hobbies) an old magic trick of sorts that I rememered from high school: You start by having a clear glass container about 1/2 full of water, and add a few drops of food coloring (blue works great)  and you will see the color spreads (you know, like gossip spreads). However will you get it clean again?

Pour about 1cup of bleach directly into the water, and in a few minutes the water will turn clear! (Yes, I let my kid play with harsh chemicals.)

Well, this works because of some sort of chemical bonding…but, lately, I have been thinking more about relational bonding.  And the “science” of attachment.  It is one of the biggest concerns people have about adopting and I know that bonding with our child will take time and a gradual building of trust.  But, really, like these science projects I don’t fully know what to expect.

Adoption.com describes BONDING as the process that a child goes through in developing lasting emotional ties with it’s immediate caregivers, which is seen as the first and most significant developmental task of a human being, and is central to that person’s ability to relate properly to others throughout its life.

Not a small task and not something I think will be easy.  Just considering the different personalities, needs and fears represented alone in our family, I know it is often hard for my kids whom I birthed.  And they have not had significant trust bonds broken. We did a haunting “homework assignment” when we were taking our adoption classes.

Step 1. We had to list all our plans for tomorrow, the people who we plan to have with us, our professional plans, the goals we seek and the people we know/ want beside us sharing those accomplishments.  Step 2. Tear the paper up.  Step 3. Re-answer those questions without repeating any of the same people or places from step 1. Basically, we are asking a child (from foster care or a previous living situation) to come into our family and imagine a new life with us and then to “hurry up and bond”.  Obviously, as this exercise shows, it is a bit of a complex equation.  It is no simple a + b = c.  It is more of a quadratic equation, or a chemistry proof (which I never really could do very well.)

I can sit here and hypothesize all day about what it will be like when we get “the call”.  And how it will be to welcome a child into our family.  But, in reality, I don’t have all the variables and we are not talking about something like science, we are talking about a little person.  So, as for the “science of bonding”…I am just reading up on it and we will have to take things one day at a time (and attempt to lay aside any expectations.)

Lately, every time I go to answer my phone and it is an unknown number, my heart starts to beat faster.  What if it is a social worker? our agency? a family has been found who wants us to adopt their child? …what’s that, “Today!” you say?…

But, alas it turns out to be the dentist reminding me of my appointment (joy) or the local pizza place offering a coupon (okay), or just a friend whose number I do not have programmed and I have to try and not sound disappointed. We are at the “they could call any day” phase of our adoption…but its also the “they could call 3 months or 6 months or whatever” phase, too.

I get my hopes up, even though we are not in a hurry.  I am expecting a child, even though I have to continue to plan things in our life.  It could be a big window of time; we could get many more unknown calls. We probably will even receive calls that we do know are from our agency and the details just don’t work out.  So…waiting, not ranting, is what I need to learn to do.

I hear things move slower in the summer.  We are totally ready, and yet I cannot jump every time the phone rings or continue to NOT make plans when it really could be awhile.  It’s strange to be expecting someone who will be part of your family forever and whom you will love wholeheartedly, but not know when he/ she is coming.

Somehow I (we, but mostly me) have to learn to keep living life, keep making plans and stop cursing at the phone when the unknown number is not who I was hoping it would be.

“Mommy, how full is your tank?”

“It’s up to my shoulder…guess I need a little more snuggle time.”

My kids know this kind of language about where our “tanks” are.  Do you know how it is to be trying to give everything you’ve got, but your tank is working its way down to “empty”.

In the beginning of the new year, Hunnie and I always meet up and specifically talk a bit about last year and  thoughts on the upcoming year. Last January he had been reading some book that talked along the lines of making sure you do the things that you can to “fill” you and so we each made a list:

What Fills Missy?

Dates with my man and individual date time with each kid, walking outdoors, exploring new places, reading, writing, movies, extended time with my mind “off”, showers, naps, eating with people, having girlfriends over, good “real” conversations, feeling understood, serving others

What Drains Missy?

Constant correcting, constant coordinating, noise, late nights, difficult relationships, spending money, making decisions that are hard, the “ugly junk” of the world, my health and headaches.

It is kind of important at this point in the game (mid year…still waiting on adoption) to revisit this and re-evaluate life in general.  There are some things we are still working on as a family and if I am willing to own up to some of my stuff that just needs to change, then I’ll be all the more prepared to have a stable home for future child. Sometimes I need some help getting back on track.  Hunnie is really great at asking good questions like:

What are the things, the 5%, that only I can do? Sometimes I do a bunch of stuff, but it is not really necessary, nor is it my top priority, nor is it “filling” my tank, nor is it “filling” someone else’s tank. Dinner is usually a top priority, but sometimes I feel like this:

How do I communicate with my family (or work situation) if my tank gets low and I need to refill it? Because usually, I communicate crabbiness and a slight oozing of irritation long before I realize that I need some refueling and take the time to do that.  This picture describes me all too often:

If I have only 7 bursts of energy, where do I want them to go? Yep, I spend my energy on things that I ought not to, then, I am drained when it comes time for my kiddos.
How do I want to be seen in 10 years? What do I want my family to look like? Some of the best advice from MOPS this year was to remember that I am raising a future adult.  That whole idea of keeping the end goal in focus, sometimes gets lost if I am daily “draining” and not taking the time to “refuel”.

So, how would you answer these questions? And what are some of your best “refuel” tips…so I can try them, too!

Encouraged!

Cheered up.  Cheered on.

The power of a shared story.

The challenge to press on and the hope that what you are doing matters.

Parenting does matter.  And devoting yourself to your children and to love them and to teach them; to laugh with them, cry with them and listen to them is more important than anything.

It’s just that some times I forget this, as I look out from behind a large pile of clothes I’ve just spent all evening folding.

I get caught up in the middle class, American drama, worries and my day-to-day agenda, and forget the simplicity of just BEING. Being available, being present.

Being there to play dress up this precious girl (when I look around and think I just need to start clean up, and dinner, and return those 5 phone calls)

I sometimes forget to be thankful for food, home, clothes and clean water.  I sometimes don’t take time to smell the flowers with this precious boy.

I often complain.  I am often ungrateful.

But, then I will open my eyes and see (or read) something that puts things into perspective.  I heard a story of adoption this week that was just what I needed to be reminded of what really matters. To be reminded of the importance of caring for each individual that you encounter, and loving until you are completely “poured out”. (All parents know what I mean.)

I recently gobbled up the book, “Kisses from Katie” because it was a story of a girl who was willing to move to another country and feed, teach and love kids and when she encountered kids who didn’t have any hope, she adopted them.  14 of them! By the age of 20!

But, isn’t that the power of a shared story? The power to remind us of the things we know are true? The power to inspire us to do the things we know we really want to do (even if the task before us seems too hard?!) and to be the people that we want to be (even if we are so tired?!)

The book starts with this: “People who want to make a difference get frustrated along the way…They keep going…most of them are shockingly normal and the way the spend each day can be quite mundane…they simply pay attention to the everyday needs of others, even if it’s only one person.”

 So, what is it that one (or two) little persons in your life need from you? Just you!

What “mundane” things are you doing that show great love to the children in your life? Keep doing them.

What inspires you to keep moving forward…even to accomplish tasks that seem impossible?

So, friends: keep writing…it makes a difference.  And, friends: keep reading…and be inspired!

If you have ever spent some time with a “shrink”, therapist, or counselor, he/she might ask you:

How do you feel about that?

Perhaps followed by another great question:

Why do you think you feel that way?

So here is my list of the myriad of things I have been feeling over the course of the last year.  If you have walked this path, I’m sure you could attest to the mixture of highs and lows on the roller coaster.

Excitement -last May we started meeting with friends to get advice, listening to webinars, making appointments with different agencies and taking our first steps toward adoption.  What I had waited 15 years for was in the works!

Uncertainty - All the what-ifs start to sneak in and we started having some serious discussions about moving forward. There was a defining car conversation about my husband making my dream become his dream.  And our hearts grew together.

Confidence - We found a great agency, this was really going to happen (at some point in the future.) Every event we have passed since then I have imagined it will be our last as a family of “just” four.  Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas until another child joins us. (But, who knows, because now we are coming around full circle- a year has officially passed.)

Determination - Give me a pile of paperwork and let me at it.  The one phase we could blaze through if we could just find the time to both fill out a detailed history, house layout, and our views on everything from discipline to holiday traditions. Appointments galore, and making a date out of them on Hunnie’s day off.

Unyielding - In October we had to coordinate multiple sitters for our training, Hunnie left for the Dominican Republic, I had to pay way too much to change our plane tickets, but we were going to keep moving forward.

Overwhelmed - Taking the classes was like being sprayed by a firehose…a lot coming at you.  It was information about bonding, attachment, and the system of California.  Books, homework and information overload.  Decisions. Consensus. Moving on.

Surprised - In December we got our first call about a possible situation.  “Would you be willing to take a 13 month old child…tomorrow?”  This is just what we signed up for…a hopeless mother, needing to know there is hope out there. Well, we weren’t thinking things would move so quickly.  How much do we tell our kids? Checking phone every hour.  Waiting.  The mom is keeping the child.  We are not disappointed, it is the best outcome.  But, maybe we should start babyproofing (just in case), because apparently “it” can happen overnight.

Encouraged - with our homestudy complete, and another possible scenario extended to us, we start to clear our calendars.  We are thankful and hesitantly expectant.

Depressed- very sad about brokenness in the world, and in families.  Sorry that children often pay the price for a parent’s addiction, neglect or carelessness.

Hopeful - Another call that just doesn’t seem to be a fit.  But, I know that there is a family for these two children and we continue to wait.

Contemplative - Feeling like the ninth month of pregnancy that just seems to go on forever.  Except, that it doesn’t last for just a month and there is a whole list of unknowns to be considered.  Enjoying the moments as a family of four, knowing it will change, just not when.

Impatient - For some reason, last month has been the hardest.  I had thought I’d have some “bonding” time with future child before summer.  I had thought he/she would be here for our upcoming family reunion.  The phone has been silent, and my kids have been asking.

Blessed - by the comfort and support of others.  Encouraged by the words so honestly shared by others.

So, how are you feeling about things?

Sometimes I like to drown out my children sing along with my children to the loudest music we can find on the radio. Other times, we chat it up.  Today was one of those days, and what I hear reminds me that I know that I should really be listening just a bit more to these crazy kids.

Me: What are you thinking about, lovey?

My four year old: That I’d like to adopt a boy baby now.  (For months my kids have had their opinions: Brother Bear wants a boy so he can move up to the top bunk and teach him baseball; Sister Bear wants a girl to play tea parties with.)

Me: Why is that?

Sister Bear: Because, I need two people to dance with and then, when they are bigger, they can both carry me on their shoulders.

……..

Sister Bear: Can you marry two mens (her word) at the same time?

Me: No, why?

Sister Bear: because I need one husband to go to work and one to stay home and dance with me (she obviously was having some dancing day dreams!)

……..

Sister Bear: do we walk or drive to pick up our new child?

Me: well, we probably won’t walk, but we may drive, or Mr. Dave might bring him/her to us.

Sister Bear: go and get directions, so we can drive there today.

Me: I wish we could do that but we have to wait until they call us.

Sister Bear: that’s because all the kids in the whole wide world have happy homes right now, right?

Me: Well, I wish that was the case, but sadly it’s not. (….stutter…hmmm, looking for the right words)

One of the hardest things to explain to our kids is the WHY’s of adoption.  Another, is figuring out how to keep them involved in the conversation, but to what extent? I’m having a week (or two) where I am just feeling very sad/ impatient and wondering when we will receive THE call for our child.  My daughter, apparently, is having one of those as well.  She has been asking a lot of good questions (and some silly ones as you can tell) and really, I am not always sure how to answer them.

I don’t know how to tell them the statistics about how many kids are abused, or neglected or are  stuck in families where one or both parents take drugs.  Nor do I think I should share all this.  That’s exactly my problem. How much should I share?

I suppose a fear of mine is saying the wrong thing.  Words are strange because they can so quickly build up and so quickly tear down and it is very hard to put them back into your mouth.

I’m sure there will be more conversations and we will just take them one at a time, seeking wisdom along the way. One day the time will come when we will have to have hard conversations with our future child, and my hope is that our words would give him/her hope and a bit of understanding, when, truly, most of the reasons for adoption are hard to understand.

I am both nervously anxious about and joyfully anticipating future conversations…so, I hope that I remember more often to turn off the noise and take the time to just listen.

I used to hate to cry.  I used to never want to cry in front of people, so I’d go take a shower, just because a wet face can hide the tears. But, since the moment I held my son for the first time (8 years ago from Thursday!), I have been like a faucet. I cry at commercials, listening to music in the car, whenever my kids are exceptionally sweet, and at pretty much all kids movies. Especially ones about adoption.

We are big time movie goers, and for Mother’s Day I took my kiddos out to see “Chimpanzee”…with a few tissues handy.

This Disneynature film did not disappoint. The jungle environment was breathtaking, the chimps playing and learning were adorable and the part where little “Oscar” is adopted by the leader of their pack, “Freddie” left my eyes misty.  The film does a great job showing how his mommy provides everything he needs, teaches him at ‘homeschool’ how to use the ‘tools’ to open nuts, and lovingly grooms him.  You know that there is little hope for him when he is left motherless.  The other chimps won’t care for him and as a last resort he begins following the leader, who at first generously tolerates him hanging around.  But then, this sweet relationship forms and the greatest of them lets the littlest of them ride upon his back (as only a mother would do), and takes over the role of providing for him.  WAAAAAA….those are happy tears, of course, for an adoption advocate like me.  Hope for a little guy who was vulnerable, confused, hungry and lonely.

Not long ago, I was reading on my couch and I overheard these lines from a movie:

“You’re changing that boy’s life.” Leigh Anne Tuohy: “No, he is changing mine.”

These were words, of course, from “The Blind Side” and if you haven’t seen it, go get it right now!  (While you are at it, if you haven’t read the book, “The Hiding Place”, pick up that while you are out.) This is one of those movies that I will watch pretty much anytime it is on TV.  (I also stop and watch “You’ve got mail” anytime its on, too…just thought you should know in light of full disclosure.)  This touching story is about taking a chance on a young man who looks different than you, has lived different than you and has great potential, but never has had anyone help him find it.  WAAAA….now, that’s me crying because usually people are so afraid to take in an older child from foster care.  Older children need forever homes, need people to cheer them on in life, need support to realize how special and gifted each of them are in their own ways.

Last, I want to confess that kids movies ALWAYS make me cry- pretty much a 95% chance that a tear will escape at the end of every Disney animated feature ever created.  From Bambi (obviously) to Despicable Me (my current favorite- mostly because the little girl loves the word “fluffy” about as much as I do!) Here’s my son’s blog contribution to illustrate my point:

“One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Then three little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down. They made him laugh, they made him cry. He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he can never part from those three little kittens that changed his heart.” says Gru to the three little girls at the end

The big thing that makes me WAAAAA during this movie is seeing the power of a child (or children) to change who we are for the better.  Even if it is hard to make changes (and I’m sure we will face difficult changes when future child joins us) it just makes us better people if we are willing to learn to live a little less selfishly for the sake of our children.  I always say that the best “school” I have ever been in has been the “school of mothering”.  Sometimes I plead to go back to get a Master’s degree because that actually seems easier than the things I have to learn at home (like how not to yell at my kids to not yell at each other….irony.)  Gru takes in three little girls and his heart is softened to reading them stories and tucking them in at night.  I sometimes wonder, “where do I need a softer heart?” and “what changes do I need to mature enough to make for the sake of my children?”

My hope is that there would be more soft hearts towards adoption, foster care and real needs of real children all around us.  My hope is that I would cry over things that matter instead of the tears I waste having tantrums (much like my children do) because I didn’t get MY WAY. My hope is that more movies that champion adoption are made, and that we would all want to be a little more like Freddie, Leigh Anne and Gru.

In high school my friends and I liked to make up our own “national” holidays.  We started with “National Crimp Your Hair Day” because many of us still had our lonely crimping irons from the 80′s waiting to be used again.  We would make signs to put up around school that said stuff like “Don’t be a square, Crimp your Hair!” while we were bored in Government class. And we would try to trick nudge others to join us in our adventures! (Amongst others, we had National Headband Day, which is kind of a joke now because crazy headbands are totally in.) And basically, we would convince a bunch of people just to have fun on our fake “National” Days.

Missy and Chrissy Sport a Crimp '97

But, FOR REAL, May is National Foster Care Month and I have been looking at some great sites that I can’t wait to share with you.

www.fostercaremonth.org

This is a great site, here’s a description of what this month is all about:

May is a time to “shine a light on the experiences of more than 400,000 children and youth in the foster care system…and encourages citizens from every walk of life to get involved.”

www.fosteryouthhelp.ca.gov/pdfs/GuardianScholars.pdf

For the 30,000 people who “age out” of the foster care system at 18, it is very hard to navigate jobs, attending college and the responsibilities of an adult without any support.  We made care packages for the students who are part of the Guardian Scholar program at San Francisco State University last year. It was a way to our family could partner with this program to love on some nearby students and encourage them to keep going!  This program is at many universities and students receive financial help, housing priority (that remains available to them all year…because many do not have a home to return to during holidays), employment services, counseling, and book vouchers.

Next valuable resource, to educate you this month is the California Department of Social Services site.

www.childsworld.ca.gov/PG1335.htm

This has a great foster parenting FAQ page that answers questions like: “What if my foster child gets sick?” Medical and dental coverage is provided through the Medi-Cal Program.

www.sleeptrain.com

This is one of my favorite local businesses to support!  You can bring a new pair of shoes to any Sleep Train store on the peninsula and they pass those along to children placed in local foster homes.  We bought a new mattress this year (first time ever…ours was a hand-me-down from another friend 10 years ago!) and this is the place we chose to support.  There is a 30 second video that you may have seen on their television ads that says:

” Foster Children average 3 different placements, and nearly half do not return to live with their biological families.”

Just today, I read our report of waiting kids (sent out by our agency) and cried through it (as I always do) as I saw just the truth of this.  One little girl had been in foster care since 02/2011 and had been in three different homes, just waiting for her forever family.

helponechild.org/resourcers/foster-parent-questions

This is the place we went first when we were in the “gathering information” phase of our big journey.  This organization offers the CPR classes needed to be certified and continuing classes after placement on all different topics, plus special gatherings for foster parents to connect.This link above takes you to one of their best online resources: a list of questions to help you in your decision making process

My little girl just told me that she needs four hugs a day! I actually always say that my kids need 100 hugs and kisses every day to grow big and strong. We can all send a “hug” to a child who needs help, by spreading awareness, being involved locally, and dropping by a pair of shoes (or pajamas 0r whatever!) to a local Sleep Train.  Hope this helps you to grow in your knowledge as we all work together to care for the children in our communities.