The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

I hate infertility. I hate secondary infertility too. It can rob joy from your first born and make scary feelings arise that my hopes and dreams for PJ’s sibling might not ever happen. I want to enjoy every second with PJ, and yet, desiring a second can become distracting and daunting.

Because I’m dealing with secondary infertility right now, I want to address those who have babies or toddlers and desire another bundle of joy:

My dear sweet Mama of 1,

I’m sure with hopeful tears you might be feeling guilty for “obsessing” over conceiving another child. You want to enjoy your toddler but you are desiring a sibling for your first and a little bundle to cuddle and fall in love with all over again. I’m so there.

The toddler years are daunting. Does it feel like you are on repeat? How much easier is having a baby rather than a toddler? A toddler can be brain sucking and euphoric all in the same minute. I feel like I have bipolar when dealing with my toddler and there are times when all I desire is to give her a playmate to play with so she isn’t so obsessed with yours truly. I’m frankly done telling her “do not put your booger in my coffee cup.” I freak out when I entertain the idea that the next time I might have a toddler is when I celebrate my 50^th birthday! It seems like it will never happen, and yet, it feels like my toddler will never enter a different “phase.”

Through mud tracks, poopy underwear accidents, and restless nights please know you aren’t alone. Enjoy these fleeting times with your sweet child because they do grow up fast and from what I’m told we Mama’s are going to desire booger coffee and stains on our white jeans when they are teenagers. Don’t be so obsessed with the “duty” of getting pregnant again that you lose site of your first miracle.

I was given PJ as a gift. I really thought I was never going to be able to conceive a child on my own, and here I am complaining about one-very-hard-toddler-phase. That is what it is, a fleeting phase and it should be enjoyed. I do want to give her a sibling but I don’t want to do it at her expense. She is only little once and she is mine. All mine.

Laugh when she cuts her bangs too short or completely off. Laugh when she wants to crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night. Laugh when the mud tracks are everywhere and you have said no for the 50^th time. It will happen all over again, maybe not during your timetable, but when it does happen you will be grateful for its perfect timing.

-AnneMarie

5 pee sticks later and a lot, and I mean a lot of tears, I can announce that I’m not pregnant. I had convinced myself, which is becoming a pattern lately, that I was pregnant. I had every symptom imaginable and I “felt” pregnant. I kept telling my husband that I would totally and utterly be surprised if I wasn’t and then…my “friend” came 4 days early which is starting to make me think that my cycles are all messed up again. Not only was it a huge letdown, but it was an even bigger letdown when I realized that even though there is always “next month,” that slogan is not true for me unless you still believe in immaculate conceptions. My husband is basically gone for the entire month of May, which means I’m looking at June as the next time I can “try.”

The weird and very lovely thing is that I’m over it. I bounced back and didn’t sink into the depths of despair. I put my big girl panties on, literally, and re-entered life as I know it. The fact is, I can’t go off emotions anymore when it comes to baby making. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a reason why I’m not pregnant right now and I have to trust in timing and not freak out. Maybe it’s because I have been through this before and I know that one day I will be able to announce that I have a little one growing inside me and right now I should just enjoy the process.

If I’m being honest, there are a lot of times when I wish to myself I was one of those women who had the issue of being too fertile. Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to have the reverse problem and be scared every time my husband and I were intimate. Even though that comes with it’s own set of problems, I often wish I had that problem. I wish I could just pick the month I wanted to get pregnant and it happen. Believe me, I have friends that do.

I do believe we are all given hardships in life.  This is mine and I have to embrace it and be okay with it. It’s a tough hardship to have and yet I have grown so much from it. It has given me patience, compassion, and most of all a desire to be a voice to those who struggle in silence. I don’t claim to be one of those women who have it super duper hard when it comes to infertility. I’m not Giuliana Rancic, but I have gone through the process of being told I might not ever have children. If I have to go through 500 pee sticks to see a positive I will. Boy, my husband is one lucky man!

The other morning when I peed for the last time and saw that last negative of the month, my sweet girl waltzed into the bathroom and was wearing her Daddy’s hat. She came over to me and said, “Wook Mommy, I Daddy.” Really, that was all  I needed to put me back into reality and LITERALLY get me off the pitty pot. I proceeded to grab her and hold her and thank the heavens above for our little miracle.

I was asked by a good friend the other day while we were watching our sweet girls play together if it is ever hard to see Mom’s who are pregnant with their second. I had never really thought of it. I remember feeling very discouraged when I was trying for my first and I would hear of a friend who was expecting. It was horribly painful to attend baby showers, that I just stopped going all together. I remember after my IUI and having to wait those two very long weeks, my dear friend was to have her baby shower the same day I was going to find out. I remember feeling so selfish thinking that if I wasn’t pregnant that I would have to skip it, and if I was, I would go. I think I have gained perspective this time around that everyone’s timing is different and mine is definitely not on the fast track and I’m really okay with that.

I know a lot of women struggle with comparing and wanting so badly to be pregnant that just seeing another woman pregnant is so incredibly painful. I’ve been there and it’s tough. There’s still a twinge of pain when I see an announcement on Facebook, but the pain is duller and I’m stronger. A part of me is thankful that I get all of this time with PJ to love on her and only her. She get’s my full attention, my everything. My husband and I do laugh, though, that she really does need a sibling! She’s getting a little spoiled lately with all of our attention.

Remember, that comparing during this tough road of infertility is only going to make it harder. Sometimes we can’t help it when it seems that everyone around us is either pregnant or giving birth. I have to go back into my thought process and bring myself down to earth and tell myself that the timing for me is slower but it doesn’t mean it will never happen. When I stop comparing and start living life knowing full well that I’m the luckiest person in the world for what I’ve been given, it makes the waiting process so much sweeter.

In a week I will be taking a pregnancy test, so by my next blog I might be announcing some exciting news OR I might be getting ready for another month of trying. Either way, I’m thankful & my cup is full.

This is going to be a short blog, many apologies.

A couple days ago I convinced myself I was pregnant. I was “late” and I just felt like something was different. Of course, when I took a test, not 24 hours later, I got confirmation I was not. It took me back to the times when I would convince myself I was pregnant and every time my hopes were defeated, for a whole year, they were negative. I really don’t want to go through that again, and yet, I know that it is probably my reality.

A lot of people have asked me if I would go through fertility treatments again. It seems like the easiest thing to do since my doctor’s office is just down the street and they have all my records and not to mention my husbands “soldiers” on ice, but I just really want to try this on my own. I want to see if it was just an “unexplained” infertility issue, or something more serious that might have been over looked.

The other day, I was in the “family planning” section of CVS looking at Basal Body Thermometers, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. I started to sweat and feel panicked at the thought of doing all of this over again. It was one of those moments where time just stood still and I wanted to scream. If you have never experienced the dread and hopelessness that comes with infertility, it is really hard sometimes. Please consider yourself lucky if you are one of those “fertile” people and please be compassionate to those who are not. It’s a hard and long road and it can seem overwhelming at times. I was lucky enough to have PJ take me out of my panic and put me on solid ground again. Everyday she reminds me that I can get pregnant again and if she is all I have ever have, then I am peace.

Right now, I am uber sensitive to those who ask me if PJ is my only. I hate it when strangers ask me if I want another or even if I’m pregnant. Sorry, but unless I have a babies head coming out of my you-know-what, then please don’t ask that dreaded question. Just because my kid is 2.5 doesn’t mean it warrants anyone to ask such questions.

Thank you for listening to my rant and jumbled emotions today—it was a hard week with realizing I have to go through another round of pregnancy tests, but I’m hopeful of the future.

I’m sitting in my hotel room in San Diego with my little family. We’ve had such a great week of exploring all the fun that beautiful San Diego has to offer. Of course, my husband and I want to come here every Spring Break with PJ and our “future” children. It’s hard to start making plans when I’m not sure when I will be able to get pregnant. I don’t want to live constantly trying to figure out when that will be, and yet, I want to know!

It’s funny how little conversations can be encouraging without even knowing it at the time. We were able to meet some friends and our neighbors in the Bay Area down at Sea World yesterday as they were taking advantage of their Spring Break as well. I was in line for a water ride and my friend and I were talking about the age differences between us and our siblings. I’m 6 years older than my sister and 11 years older than my brother. My friend is 13 years older than her sister. Weirdly, it encouraged me to know that there are people out there, just not me, who have years and years between their siblings. Would I want PJ to be 13 years older than her brother or sister? Probably not, but if that’s how it happens, then that is okay.

I think us Moms get caught up in trying to have our children 2-3 years a part. For some reason, it feels like the “magic number” and I must admit I’ve panicked some knowing that PJ will probably be older than 3 years from her siblings. I can’t have the perfect plan when trying to plan out my family. Each family and each situation is unique and I have to be okay with my family not fitting into the mold I always thought it would. Does it scare me not knowing if we come back to San Diego next year that I might have a baby or not? Sure. Am I going to just stop enjoying the family I’ve been given now? Absolutely not.