The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

She likes us. She really, really likes us.

Last weekend, my husband and I had an impromptu afternoon snuggle session on our bed with DJ. As she was turning back and forth between us, being sure to face each of us for a few seconds at a time, it occurred to me – she likes us. I said to my husband, “She won’t think we’re this cool forever.” My heart welled with sadness, and soared with joy while I allowed that thought to really resonate.

On Saturday, DJ turned 18 months old. We celebrated her half birthday with all of her favorite things. It was a small-scale party all day, minus the guests and gifts. One of my dad and stepmom’s favorite stories to tell is about the day I woke up crying on one of my half birthdays because there was no party. As legend goes, I kept saying with a tiny, sad voice, “But I’m half-and-a-two.” So while DJ couldn’t quite comprehend the reason behind her candle-topped scoop of vanilla bean ice cream – I knew we were celebrating another six months of incredible love, growth, and memories.

DJ is amazing, and she thinks that we’re equally as great. That kind of blows my mind. As I get caught up in my daily insecurities, fighting off lies about not being fit enough, not keeping the house clean enough, cooking the turkey meatballs for too long, not being fashionable, not remembering important dates, etc. – I am reminded that my precious daughter overlooks all of that. She sees me as a fantastic mom, her favorite playmate, and someone who is brave, compassionate, consistent and dependable. She thinks I’m a great cook (minus the days when I try to feed her peas), and couldn’t care less about how often I vacuum.

As parents, we always talk about the wonder of seeing the world through fresh eyes again as our children make discoveries, observations, and draw conclusions. We discuss our renewed trust in all things good, and we might even marvel at the way water runs through a gutter. Our children make us see the simple beauty that surrounds us each and every day. They force us to stop and pay attention to the things that we have taken for granted – the things that, over time, we have just stopped seeing.

It makes me wonder, when’s the last time I really saw myself? When’s the last time I stopped and took inventory of the woman who DJ sees in me?

DJ likes me. She really, really likes me. And not just because I’m her mom, and she has to – but because she thinks I’m awesome for a million different reasons. Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that reads, “I want to be the person who my dog thinks I am?” Well, I want to embrace the person that my daughter knows I am.

No, I’m not referring to the hilarious movie that was 17 Again, but rather the fact that my youngest child, Megan (your favorite POP columnist of Life As A Teen) turned 17 yesterday.

After reading The Mommies Diaries blogger Rebecca’s post There is a light at the end of the tunnel… it made me think about how little time I have left with Megan at home with me.

Time moves on and our lives take on different paths and choices present themselves to us.  In this case, Total Teen Dad has started considering what life will have in store for him once his last child heads off to college.

Rebecca asks how others have handled this choice.  I have looked at my past and decided to pursue old dreams I put on hold and a new one.  Life is full of opportunites and I see this as one of them.

Oh to be 17 again.  Megan has her whole life ahead of her.  I want her to see the paths and choices that present themselves to her as opportunities too.  After all, the world is an open book.  And we ALL have plenty of time to read and write it.

It’s official.  My son has turned 20 today.  A lot of people don’t like birthdays.  I happen to be one of those that do.   The way I look at it, you can’t stop time, and time ages you, so it’s best to go with it and enjoy what the aging process has to offer you.

Nick - with cousin Ben and oldest sister Merenda

Every new year with my son brought something new to the table.  He was always so curious and loving.  Maybe it was because I carried him around on my back all the way up to the age of 2 1/2 even when I was putting up an arbor in the backyard or pouring concrete pathways alongside the house.  When he hugged me good night, he nearly broke my neck.

When he was just 5, I realized he had a sight issue because when he was reading little c’s, he was seeing little o’s.  So he got glasses.  At the time, he looked great in the round spectacles and he was so happy with them.  Until the kids at school started calling him Harry Potter a little too much.

Nick - with youngest sister Megan

He and his oldest sister attended the same elementary school together and she was one year ahead of him.  When he was 7, he saw his sister getting pulled on and tugged on by another boy bigger and older than him, he ran across the playground and shoved the boy to the ground shouting, “She said no!”

As he grew older, he was interested in the way things came apart and were put back together.  He was interested in magic and in science fiction fantasy books.  He loved animals and going camping.  He was fond of everything Disney.

When he was 14, he took an acute interest in sports.  He threw other wrestlers around like Barbie dolls even though they weighed twenty pounds more than he did.  He was a natural.

Nick - hangin' out with George Lynch and dad (me!)

At 15 he joined football and was an outstanding outside linebacker.  Having been a football fan of the SF 49ers my entire life, it was surreal seeing my son go in motion after reading the offense and then rushing the QB from the left side, hitting him hard and knocking the ball loose, only so one of his teammates could sweep it up and run it in for a defensive touchdown!

Though every year brought new things to the table, much about my son has not changed.  He still doesn’t know his strength and often cricks my neck when I hug him.  He still says I love you when I say it to him.  And, though his exterior is sometimes rough and tough, his interior is still filled with the importance of family, his need to maintain an value system of integrity, and a desire to care for children and the elderly.

Nick and I at Half Moon Bay enjoying a boys day.

And though some traditions remain the same like celebrating our birthdays, others change as they grow older, such as the way in which we celebrate them.  Instilling the ideas that morals, values, traditions, and compassion should be an important part of our children’s lives won’t just make them better teens, but better adults as well.

Happy Birthday Nick!  I’m proud to be your father.

Nick - with Merenda, Megan, and Godparents Marie and Rob

My life is different.  Different from before.  Before I was a mom.

DJ’s first birthday was yesterday, and while we had thrown a birthday party for her last weekend, it wasn’t until September 5^th rolled around that I truly grasped that we now have a one year old.  My husband and I spent the day with DJ at The Academy of Sciences.  DJ was captivated by the fish in the aquarium, the butterflies in the rainforest, and most particularly, the lawn in front of the entrance.  We really believed that she knew the day was about her, I mean, she did after all decide to start walking for the first time yesterday.  Our baby girl doesn’t do anything small.

While I was physically present with my family, my mind was secretly recounting every moment from the year before.  At the more significant memories, I would blurt out something like, “It was this time last year that I had my first contraction,” “It was this time last year that we checked into the hospital,” “It was this time last year that my water broke.”  It was this time last year that I understood, in just one gaze, the height and depth of unconditional love.  In just one year, everything had changed.

When my husband and I look back at our first year as a family of three – we are overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  We are also still spinning from how quickly we went from newlyweds to just another awkward couple in a birthing class, watching all-too-explicit videos from 1982 (clearly pre-bikini waxing).  We got pregnant just two months after exchanging vows, and while we were “trying,” I guess we never thought it would happen for us so quickly.  Don’t get me wrong, neither of us have a single regret – but it occurred to us last night that there is both a learning curve for marriage, and for parenthood.  We are taking a crash course in each simultaneously.  Sometimes it’s a wonder we’re still best friends.

At the end of the day, we’ve done pretty good.  We’ve had some incredible adjustments along with adapting to parenthood – my husband started a new job just a few weeks after DJ was born, I quit mine and became a full time mom, we moved into a new house, we had a death in the family, the list goes on.  Sometimes I wonder what has kept us afloat, and then I hear DJ’s giggle.

Despite the challenges that have come along with the past 12 months, nothing, and I do mean nothing, can distract us from the pure joy of who DJ she is.  She is smart, silly, sassy, loving, sweet and intuitive.  We have no doubt that she knows and understands that she is loved beyond comprehension, and that she feels safe and secure in this little world of hers.  She is amazingly curious, and fearless about exploring.  We allow her to get dirty – heck, even to eat dirt some days. We allow her to get wet in the yard.  We allow her to finger paint with her food.  We even allow her to scream at the top of her lungs (well….to a certain extent).  She is an individual, growing into the person she was destined to be.  Who are we to interfere with that?

Our mission, as DJ’s parents, is to watch closely over her as she develops her interests and talents, and to foster those innate qualities into bloom.  It is our job to establish boundaries and rules, but not at the expense of hindering her safe discovery of the world around her.   It is our job to ensure that she knows exactly who she is, and that she understands that there is never a reason to compromise her values.  It is our job to listen even when the stories are dramatic, answer the questions even when they’re uncomfortable, and extend empathy even when it’s for a seemingly ridiculous cause.  It’s our job to be her parents.  Always.

It’s our privilege and pleasure to love her.  This is the year that changed everything – our lifestyle, our finances, our freedom and even our fights – but most of all, it has changed our hearts.  In a good, big way.  Happy birthday, DJ, you are one loved little girl.

Well, I survived.  We hosted DJ’s FIRST BIRTHDAY celebration at our home on Saturday.  I was afraid I’d never make it through the day without crying, but I actually did.  In fact, the day was a whirlwind, which hardly allowed me a sentimental moment.

As we were going to bed that night, I was desperately trying to recall each detail of the day.  Was DJ excited when the first guest showed up?  Did she realize the balloons were shaped like ducks?  Was the homemade guacamole a huge hit?  Had the wine chilled long enough?  Did I remember to put a scooper in the bowl of goldfish crackers?  What was DJ’s expression when she tasted whipped cream for the first time?  All of these thoughts swirling through my already exhausted mind, and I was immediately taken back to memories of our wedding day.

Oddly enough, DJ’s first birthday party reminded me of our wedding day.  While I knew it was a beautiful day, and one of the most significant moments we’d ever celebrate – it was also a total fog.  Why is that?  Why are the best memories such a blur?  The moments we are supposed to celebrate should call for us to be completely present, but instead we are busy playing gracious host, we are making important introductions, we are BBQ’ing the burgers, and we are running in and out of the kitchen.  Even with the help of so many others, half the day, I kept asking “Who has my kid?”

I had looked so forward to DJ’s party.  I had spent too much money, stayed awake too many hours, and tapped into too many “Martha Stewart Living” magazines to have missed so much.  In a perfect world, I could have hired professionals to do all of the catering, and worrying, so that everyone who was there to enjoy DJ could have done just that.

Now, it’s not to say that the party wasn’t a huge a success – and that our guests didn’t have a blast – but, at the end of the day, I sure missed my girl.  I suppose I will learn that this is the way party-planning goes……just like a mother, the party-planner inevitably ends up behind the scenes making sure it all runs well for the birthday-princess-of-honor.

Thank God for photos.

Today my tiny dancer turns 4.  I feel like my heart is torn in two.  On one side is the fierce mamma pride for her.  She was my first official “special needs” child (and the one we made all the rookie mistakes on).  This same child just officially got kicked out of the system this week because she is all caught up.   I marvel at the child who sings and dances and teases and runs and does all the things that we spent hours in therapy working on.    She is a living advertisement for how important early intervention programs are — and how well they can work.  Not every child will end up catching up on all fronts, but I am promise that every child who gets early intervention will do better than they would have without it.  

The other side of my heart is sad today.  I know that there is another family who has very different memories of this day.  Adoption can be a tricky beast sometimes.  I am acutely aware today of how her other family might be feeling today.  In our family we have a tradition the night before a birthday.  At bedtime we tell the story of the day that they were born and joined the family.   Nori has never asked about it. Ever.  I got to see her little face as I told her about the day we found out that we were matched with her and how we got the call that she was on her way just a few days later.  I explained how she just couldn’t wait to be born and decided to come early.   I ended the story by telling her about her first family and what we know about her other mom. I was very happy to see that she had lots of questions about her mom and I was equally as happy that I could answer most of them for her (hurrah for open adoption).  I dread the day that she starts to understand the whole story.  Too soon she will have the ability to understand the sad and hard parts that come along with her story.  For today though, she is thrilled to have cake and look forward to bringing treats to her school class.  As she marched off to school I heard her call her new baby doll by her birth mom’s name.  

In four short years she has come so far and made some many changes. She went from being a preemie that didn’t engage or move.  This was a kid who spent her first two years officially diagnosed as failure to thrive.  I have half forgotten the hours I spent with her in every kind of therapy (with a newborn in tow).  Crawling, standing, walking, feeding herself, talking; all the large and small milestones that she earned.  I also marvel at the people we met because of her.  At my very first parent support meeting  I met some amazing women who have remained friends (except now we go to dinner without the kids…..).   

I am thankful for my kids. I am thankful for my life.  I am thankful for the hard choices that one special woman made to allow me to raise this daughter that we share.   Now, I am off to make a pink cake with yellow frosting and wrap some presents.   Have a great week everyone!