The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

She’s almost 3 years old, this little baby of mine, but don’t call her a baby because she will tell you, “I’m a big girl. I’m not a baby anymore!”… and she’s not, she’s so not a baby anymore. Where is the time going? I want it to slow down, but in the same breath, I of course know that it won’t… and so I’m doing my best to be ever more “present” in each moment. Not just with her, but with myself, in every area of my life.

The change in Allie in just the last couple of weeks has been remarkable. She all of a sudden doesn’t just seem bigger, but she seems MUCH more mature. I know every parent must experience this around this age, just before three (and I’m sure there are many more times coming where I’ll feel it this strongly too). This stage is the final movement out of the baby / toddler stages and seriously into little girlhood, isn’t it. Just in the last two weeks, Allie has finally decided to use the potty, all on her own… just like that. We thought we’d lucked out right after she turned two, but that was a fluke. It’s not been an easy road with the potty training. So to have her announce, all of a sudden, and repeatedly, that she needs to use the potty has been amazing! On top of that, her vocabulary skills are intensifying to the point where I am shaking my head in disbelief, that some of these sentences and concepts are coming out of her mouth. Over the weekend she told me, as we were driving, “mommy, you forgot your sunglasses”, which I had! Really? Observant little one all of a sudden. She’s also begun to be much more affectionate, which is absolutely wonderful. Of course, there is the flip side, where she is also asserting her independence much more as well. I’ll take the good with the bad. I know it’s all part of it.

I guess I’m just feeling it, more than ever before, and I know it is far from the last time… that this stage that my daughter has been, this cute toddler stage, with the funny words and the cute little run and she still fits on the changing table, is going, going, ALMOST gone. I am holding on to every dear second of what’s left of it, even though I know that what is next is just as wonderful. I see her changing and growing into this beautiful little girl, and I want so much to always remember her this way, because I know I have already forgotten things about how she was as an infant that I swore I wouldn’t forget. So what can I do? Just be present… really truly take in every moment with her, as best I can. Be present, not just for myself to feel completely immersed in my life with her, but so that she knows her mommy is genuinely here for her and cares about her more than anything. It’s easier said than done, as I’ve got a million things running through my mind with my new business venture, but that absolutely needs to be secondary (as important as that is). Making the time to be in the moment with her, for her, for me, is the most important thing I can do… since I can’t stop time…

Hi! I’m newbie blogger Annie, writing to you as “Working Mommie”… boy am I a working mommy… or was up until this last Friday… or wait, I still am… have I got a story for you. I suppose I should give you a little background about myself first, I’m a single mommy to almost 3 year old Allie. I’m a 34 year old Peninsula native that adores this area and is so grateful to be able to raise my kid here (aren’t we all! I don’t have anything past my 2 year Associates Degree, but after the job I just left, I feel like I graduated with my Masters. Let me explain…

For the last few years I’ve been involved in something bigger than I ever could have imagined. I was part of the Mills-Peninsula Hospital Replacement Project in Burlingame (see here), helping to build and coordinate every aspect of the brand new state-of-the-art medical center. I am not sure how I ended up in that role, but I did through moving up in the organization and finally landing on that team. In the beginning I thought I was nuts for taking the position, for the learning curve was so steep. I knew nothing of FF&E (Furniture, Furnishings, Equipment)… I knew nothing of Construction or Signage or planning a transition of moving hundreds of staff and patients out of an old hospital into a new one… I knew nothing of space planning or hospital technology or what Stereotaxis was or a Hill-Rom Nurse Call System or a Liko Patient Lift, etc. etc. etc. etc. Believe me, there are a LOT of etceteras. Anyway… here it is 4 years later and it’s done. Complete. Finished. Everyone is moved in, patients love it, community loves it, we’re proud… and I’m done with my job. But wait… I forgot to mention…

During this time I’ve also been running my own part-time photography business (dragonflyannie). How? I HAVE NO CLUE! It is my passion, my one true love (aside from my daughter of course). I just kept going. I scheduled shoots when my daughter was with her Dad, and I only post-processed photos and worked on orders after my daughter went to bed at night. This meant going to bed sometimes at midnight, 1am, 2am. I have barely slept in the last couple of years. I thought about quitting the photography a number of times, but something greater was pushing me. I’ve never thought of myself as a workaholic, and don’t consider myself one at all. I didn’t like it this way, but knew that I had to keep going. Even though I tried so hard not to let my two jobs interfere with my time with Allie, every other part of my life suffered ~ my “me” time, any exercise was out the window (thank goodness I walked around the under construction hospital miles a day to help me lose my baby weight!), no time for dating, no time for much of anything else… but I still. just. kept. going….

Now here it is, present day. Project has come to an end. Part of the project team was let go, not because of budget cuts, not because we were fired… far from. Our jobs were just complete ~ project funds were up and we had nothing left to do. We knew when we started that this would be our fate. Friday was my last day. I’ve never in my life felt more sad about leaving a job – leaving the people. My project team was amazing, they became family. The experience was mind-blowing not to mention mind-boggling. I always asked myself how I got so lucky!? This crash course in project coordination / management of a project of THAT scale is why I feel like I just graduated with my Masters, or at least what I would imagine it to feel like. I feel an immense sense of accomplishment and contentment. So anyway, back to this Transition thing…

I never would have taken this leap of faith if I wasn’t forced into it. When I finally learned what my last day would be at MPHS I was scared, a bit depressed and honestly couldn’t believe it was finally approaching. Part of me thought it would never come. Then one day, someone said something to me on a facebook post that made me stop and think – like SERIOUSLY think – that wait a minute… this was happening for a reason and that I was finally getting a chance to do ONLY my photography. WHOA! Hold on a second… ummm, can I do that? Really? I don’t know, but in that moment I decided to embrace it and gosh darnet I’m sure as hell am going to try! I guess I really did keep going with my business for this reason. I knew deep down, even though subconsciously, that I would need this business when the end of my project came along. If I had stopped, I wouldn’t have had the momentum to make this leap feel logical and not so scary… well wait, I am scared that is for sure, but not as much as had I quit my business when I was in despair many nights about being so busy and stressed out.

At the end of the day, I’ve had MANY transitions over the last 4 years: the transition of becoming pregnant, becoming a mommy, becoming a single mommy, transitioning an entire organization and patients into the new hospital, transitioning out of my role as a project coordinator and into a full-time photography business owner. I’ve had quite enough for a while, I’m really hoping life can level out for me now (or is this even possible ). My main fears / doubts stem from wondering if I’m doing the right things for my daughter. Am I making a mistake by not having the “stable” paycheck? Should I be looking for at least something part-time? Will Allie benefit more from me doing the “safe” and “normal” thing with my life and should I just go find another job? Or will she benefit more from seeing her Mommy follow her dreams and go after what she truly wants and is passionate about… because isn’t that what we teach them? I want her to be whatever it is she wants to be… I suppose it’s time I start leading by example.

Deep breath. Next chapter. So happy to be here to share in this journey from here on out.
Wish me luck!

Many beautiful blessings,
Annie

Ahhhh, 2011, I am so glad you’re here.  While I do have yet another cold, I’m choosing to believe it’s lingering from 2010.  I doubt this is the first impression that the New Year would want to make on me, right?

I think that so many people are clinging onto the hope that 2011 will be THE YEAR.  The year when finances get in order, the year when health improves, the year you meet that special someone, the year you get pregnant, the year your football team wins, the year you get that promotion, or the year you finally forgive.  No matter the gravity of the hope – it’s present, and it feels palpable.

The New Year not only brings hope, but brings those all too familiar resolutions.  I was talking to my Uncle over Christmas about a new trend in marriage.  My Uncle is a lawyer and officiates non-religious weddings.  I told him that I heard that “modern couples” are replacing the vow “till death do us part,” with “so long as our love endures.”  I was expressing my discord with this new wave of commitment, as he was trying to explain the hypothesis behind it.  Something about how sometimes, when people feel like they have no other option, they feel trapped and just want an escape.

I got to thinking – maybe this is why resolutions are set, and re-set, every year.  We approach resolutions as if they’re a pact with some abyss.  If we do not follow through on the commitment that we’ve chosen to make to ourselves, or to someone else, we feel like a complete failure.  Lucky for us, we get a fresh start every 365 days.  As the clock strikes midnight on December 31, we feel a deep sense of relief and a bright ray of promise and possibility.   From one minute to the next, the slates are wiped clean and we start anew.  Isn’t that kind of silly?

This year I decided not to make a resolution.  I opted to introduce a theme instead.  I decided that 2011 would be the year of health.  Unfortunately, 2010 brought one too many phone calls about a loved one suffering from disease or illness.  While I do know that there are certain things out of my control, there are plenty of things that I can manage – and contributing factors to good health is one of them.  Given my certifications in nutrition coaching, this also meant holding myself accountable, and walking the talk.  The theme grew from health, to authenticity.

So, as I gear up for another year of celebrations, disappointments, opportunities, struggles and memories – I do so knowing that I can change my priorities along the way.  However, I face each day knowing that I want my choices to support the good health of my family (which means spending more time in the kitchen, buying more local foods, spending more time resting, and less time stressing), while never compromising who I am….at the core of my being.

I strive to be authentic.  I want to be someone who is open, honest, accountable and consistent.  I want to be a positive example to my daughter who is now 16 months old and picking up on EVERYTHING that I do.  I want to live more, worry less.

I don’t want a resolution, I want change.

My life is different.  Different from before.  Before I was a mom.

DJ’s first birthday was yesterday, and while we had thrown a birthday party for her last weekend, it wasn’t until September 5^th rolled around that I truly grasped that we now have a one year old.  My husband and I spent the day with DJ at The Academy of Sciences.  DJ was captivated by the fish in the aquarium, the butterflies in the rainforest, and most particularly, the lawn in front of the entrance.  We really believed that she knew the day was about her, I mean, she did after all decide to start walking for the first time yesterday.  Our baby girl doesn’t do anything small.

While I was physically present with my family, my mind was secretly recounting every moment from the year before.  At the more significant memories, I would blurt out something like, “It was this time last year that I had my first contraction,” “It was this time last year that we checked into the hospital,” “It was this time last year that my water broke.”  It was this time last year that I understood, in just one gaze, the height and depth of unconditional love.  In just one year, everything had changed.

When my husband and I look back at our first year as a family of three – we are overwhelmed with love and gratitude.  We are also still spinning from how quickly we went from newlyweds to just another awkward couple in a birthing class, watching all-too-explicit videos from 1982 (clearly pre-bikini waxing).  We got pregnant just two months after exchanging vows, and while we were “trying,” I guess we never thought it would happen for us so quickly.  Don’t get me wrong, neither of us have a single regret – but it occurred to us last night that there is both a learning curve for marriage, and for parenthood.  We are taking a crash course in each simultaneously.  Sometimes it’s a wonder we’re still best friends.

At the end of the day, we’ve done pretty good.  We’ve had some incredible adjustments along with adapting to parenthood – my husband started a new job just a few weeks after DJ was born, I quit mine and became a full time mom, we moved into a new house, we had a death in the family, the list goes on.  Sometimes I wonder what has kept us afloat, and then I hear DJ’s giggle.

Despite the challenges that have come along with the past 12 months, nothing, and I do mean nothing, can distract us from the pure joy of who DJ she is.  She is smart, silly, sassy, loving, sweet and intuitive.  We have no doubt that she knows and understands that she is loved beyond comprehension, and that she feels safe and secure in this little world of hers.  She is amazingly curious, and fearless about exploring.  We allow her to get dirty – heck, even to eat dirt some days. We allow her to get wet in the yard.  We allow her to finger paint with her food.  We even allow her to scream at the top of her lungs (well….to a certain extent).  She is an individual, growing into the person she was destined to be.  Who are we to interfere with that?

Our mission, as DJ’s parents, is to watch closely over her as she develops her interests and talents, and to foster those innate qualities into bloom.  It is our job to establish boundaries and rules, but not at the expense of hindering her safe discovery of the world around her.   It is our job to ensure that she knows exactly who she is, and that she understands that there is never a reason to compromise her values.  It is our job to listen even when the stories are dramatic, answer the questions even when they’re uncomfortable, and extend empathy even when it’s for a seemingly ridiculous cause.  It’s our job to be her parents.  Always.

It’s our privilege and pleasure to love her.  This is the year that changed everything – our lifestyle, our finances, our freedom and even our fights – but most of all, it has changed our hearts.  In a good, big way.  Happy birthday, DJ, you are one loved little girl.

Our house is a chaotic disaster right now.  We’re in the process of moving, one of my least favorite things in the world to do – though, surprisingly also one of my greatest talents.  Growing up, we moved a lot – and once I turned 18, I moved almost every year for about eight years.   My biggest fantasy about owning a home someday is not related to tax write-offs, but to actually being settled….a word that I have come to admire from afar.

This move feels different though.  It’s bittersweet in a way that I’ve not yet experienced.  Our current house has actually felt like home to me – which is a rarity when you hold a “Preferred Customer” card with U-Haul.  I’ve lived here for six whole years, and know my neighbors and their routines.  We look out for one another.  I have actually borrowed eggs from the lovely folks next door.  In this day and age, it’s hard to find people who are willing to make eye contact as they approach their front doors.  I am terrified of relocating to a cold neighborhood, and having to start all over again proving that we are good people.

I am also particularly attached to this home because our daughter was born here (well, not a home birth – but her first stop after the hospital!)  The pink and gray tiled bathroom that I used to hate will forever be a part of our family history as that’s where I stood holding a positive pregnancy test.  The large bedroom facing the busy cross-street soon became the most peaceful room in the house – DJ’s nursery.  I have stared at those four walls more times than I can count while rocking DJ to sleep these past 9 ½ months.   Will her new room feel as cozy?

The sweetest part of this move is the opportunity it will provide for my husband and I to start out somewhere fresh and new together.  When we got married, he moved in with me.  While we have worked hard to make this home a combination of both of our tastes, it still hold pieces of my past…..a past that I’m excited to finally leave behind.  We will be entering a new house, a place without any memories except for the ones that we get to create.  Ahhhh – a clean slate.

I once heard that moving ranks in the top ten most stressful experiences in life.  Though to me, after doing it so often, it doesn’t seem to be in the same category as losing a job, or a loved one.  I’ve learned that the most important things in life actually have nothing to do with “things.”  I’ve spent the past several days packing our life up into boxes.  However, the memories that we’ve made here as a family could never be bound up by cardboard and tape.

Home is indeed where the heart is, which means that we take it with us wherever we go.  Home is what we make of it, and we are blessed to have walls to laugh within, a foundation to spread our roots and a yard for imagination to grow.