The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

I have always known that DJ is different from other kids.  And let me just say, I kind of despise using the word different to describe her.  I think that all too often, we hear “different,” and we think “wrong.”  There’s nothing wrong about her.  She’s truly an incredible kid – and I’m not just saying that because she’s mine.  In this case, different means really, really special – unique, amazing and better than I could have ever imagined.

DJ was born sensitive.  She has been a love-bug since the moment the doctor placed her on my chest.  She’s most content when she’s in the arms of someone she trusts.  She craves affection and closeness from those she is familiar with.  We practiced co-sleeping with DJ (in fact, she never slept a nap or night in her crib).  I have often wondered, guiltily, if we made her sensitive through our version of attachment parenting, or if we were subconsciously attune to her needs from really early on.  Had we ruined her?  And then, after obsessively worrying, I’d think, “Yet, she’s totally independent and confident once she’s comfortable with her surroundings.”  She’ll ask us to leave when she’s ready to be on her own, and she’ll push us out the door or ask for alone time when she’s done with us!  However,  because of her desire to be so intimately connected to others, she is, naturally, crushed when she feels rejected.

I have long known that the conventional methods of discipline don’t work with DJ.  Time outs, any sort of isolation, public reprimanding, a raised voice or even a hint of disappointment sends the poor bug into a total meltdown.  Not the kind of meltdown that occurs when a child feels remorse, but the kind of meltdown that screams “Don’t you still love me?”  It’s heartbreaking.  For a long, long time now – I have initiated “time-ins” with DJ.  When she’s really acting up, I will ask “Do you need a cuddle?” and we will retreat to a quiet corner, have a tight hug and talk through what’s bothering her, what behavior I expect of her, and how she can make the situation right again.  Inevitably, she apologizes without hesitation, and we move on – all with a strengthened sense of security in our bond.

I’m no super mom.  This process is exhausting, especially when all I really want is to sit DJ in her room, alone, so that I can steal a moment to myself.  It’s hard when I’m really mad because it’s challenging to temper my own emotions (Hey, I’m Italian, German and Irish…passionate is putting it nicely!).  It’s constant work to keep my reactions in check – always, always considering how my outbursts can affect my daughter.  However, ultimately, I know that if I stay calm, the end result will be a million times better than if I lose my cool. In the same ways I must control my disposition – so must I control my impulses to sneak up on and scare DJ, to attack her with a vicious game of tickle-monster, or to shout wildly  with excitement when something moves me.

While much of my parenting techniques with DJ were born from intuition (and of course, trial and error), I have been soaking up a book called “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  I am fortunate enough to be involved in a community of wise, candid and eager-to-share moms through DJ’s co-op Preschool.  One of the moms noticed that DJ’s personality (and my challenges) were so similar to that of her older daughter and herself.  She recommended that I read “The Highly Sensitive Child,” and I accessed Amazon from my cell phone right then and there and placed my order – shipping option, stat!  I was so excited to learn of a resource that described my daughter so perfectly.  An author who spoke my language, and finally some reassurance that I have been approaching discipline in a way that compliments my daughter’s needs.  Oh, and that DJ was born sensitive.  We didn’t create it.  I’m not even halfway through the book, but I am learning so much.  In fact, I am learning that I am also a Highly Sensitive Person.  Likely, the reason why I was able to recognize DJ’s differences so early on, and why parenting her with a little more tenderness just made sense to me.

I am learning that (and please forgive the comparison), much like dog breeds, there are all sorts of breeds of Highly Sensitive Children (HSC).  There are a dozen different variations of HSC’s, but that all HSC’s share some common characteristics….they are sensitive.  Sensitive to sounds, to textures, to change, to taste, to the feelings of others, the reactions of others, their environment.  In DJ’s case, she’s one of the rare HSC’s who is also incredibly daring and courageous (honestly, a really kick @$$ kid!), and can’t be described as an introvert.  Once she’s comfortable in a situation, and has done her fair share of evaluating and watching, she’s ready to take on the world!  To compliment her courageous personality, she is incredibly empathetic and is always the first to comfort a child crying on the playground.  She’s sassy and sweet, so sweet.  DJ connects deeply with animals, and asks a million questions about what they, or people, are thinking and feeling.  She’s already showing signs of being artistic, and is incredibly thoughtful and communicative about her feelings.  She’s drawn to the stories of others, and is genuinely interested in how relationships work.  These are all typical behaviors of HSC’s.

The reason why I wanted to write about this is twofold.  It’s partly because I want other parents who can relate to know they’re not alone. There’s a name for what might seem like a particularly dependent, shy or overly sensitive child.  The other motivation for writing about this is probably my biggest reason….and that’s to remind parents that no one knows your child better than you do.  Over the past 2 1/2 years, well-intended people have been full of advice about how I should approach DJ.  In moments of weakness and self-doubt, I have tried to implement their techniques (which, likely work for the other 80% of children), only to cause her further distress.  However, when I listen to my gut and take what others might perceive as a softer, even more passive approach, DJ inevitably responds favorably.  And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking the advice from others, and even accepting their unsolicited advice, be sure to always view that advice through the filter of your own parenting prowess.

Celebrate your children, especially in the ways in which they appear different.  It’s these very differences that, when fostered, will be exactly what propels your children into greatness.  There is a great line in the beginning of “The Highly Sensitive Child,” that reads, “If you want to have an extraordinary child, you must be willing to have an extraordinary child.”  This means that you must embrace the work involved with learning what your child’s special needs are, learning how to behave in a way that compliments their needs, and adapting your own inherent qualities so that they build up, and not destroy, your child’s unique qualities.  This parenting stuff is hard work, but that’s what makes it so rewarding.  When you see your child begin to thrive because you have taken the time to learn about them, there’s no greater feeling – no greater source of intimacy, or stronger foundation for bonding.

If you want to learn more about HSC’s, here’s a great link: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

It’s starting to happen.  She’s only 16 ½ months old, and it’s already happening.  DJ is encountering bullies at the park, and even took a stab at clenching the title herself last week.  Maybe it was the naivety of being a first time mom, or maybe it was the topic of bullying saturating daytime TV on laughable shows like “Maury,” but I never really allowed myself to believe that my kid would battle turf wars.  In any case, I’m sorry to say – it’s out there, and it’s real.  Kids can be cruel to one another, and there’s truly an art form to how parents nip it in the bud with their littlest ones (while they’re still inherently good, and well-intentioned!).

I take DJ to the park a few times a week. The park that I take her to is specifically designed for toddlers – it’s completely fenced in, has smaller equipment, and even a cushioned ground.  I usually feel pretty confident letting DJ explore while I stand by and watch from afar (yeah, yeah – a foot away!)  However, our recent park visits have been enlightening, to say the least.  I have learned how to handle bad behavior with incredible grace (a subject which, surprisingly, wasn’t covered in my “How to be a Good Mom” manual).

Several months ago, I had my very first encounter with another child acting aggressively toward mine. DJ was happily minding her own business, playing with tanbark, as an older (and thereby, bigger) boy came up and yanked her down to the ground by her tiny arm.  I was horrified, and I froze.  I didn’t know what to do.  Quite honestly, I wanted to kick the kid (I know that I shouldn’t have just admitted that), he shouldn’t have been in the toddler park to begin with! I wanted to yell at him and tell him what a big jerk he was.  It was a true intercession from heaven above that forced me to instead scoop up DJ and hug away her tears of confusion.  Mind you, this all happened within 2 seconds – and just as I was lifting DJ to my arms, Super Nanny came soaring onto the scene.

She was incredible.  She knelt down beside the little boy and put a tender arm around him.  She quickly explained that what he did was not OK, and asked him to describe why he pulled DJ down.  With his gaze fixed on the ground, he stood still – but she pressed on, “Why, Mi Amor, would you do that?”  She called him “my love.” In the midst of disciplining him, she displayed such admirable compassion, and I was deeply moved.  He finally said, “I wanted to kiss her.”  “You needed to ask her mommy if you wanted to kiss her.  Now, you look at her, and you look at her mommy, and you apologize, Mi Amor.”  It took him a few seconds, but he apologized.  Super Nanny gave him one last hug, gave DJ a knowing smile, and walked away with full confidence that kids will be kids, and that hers had learned a lesson.  DJ’s tears stopped, as if she knew that we had just experienced a sweet lesson about genuine mercy.  (And boy, was I glad that I hadn’t kicked that kid!).

Last week, my kid was the bully at the park.  She was cruising around like she owned the joint.  Who was this kid? My charming, angelic, and gregarious child was pushing other kids down to the ground left and right.  She was ripping sand toys from their little hands, and pushing strollers aggressively toward the sand pit as if they were totaled Cadillacs sentenced to a junkyard.  To say that I was mortified was an understatement.  I felt the pit in my stomach grow larger each time I had to apologize to a fellow mother.  I was so scared that they’d think I was a bad mother who wasn’t committed to teaching DJ manners.  What would they think of me?

Then, I briefly remembered Super Nanny, and channeled her prowess as a referee.  She wasn’t worried about my opinion of her at all.  She was instead worried about setting a good example for the boy in her care.  While DJ doesn’t yet have the language skills to form an apology, much less the reasoning skills to express why she was acting out, she is absolutely watching everything that I do.  So I had to quickly figure out my version of extending grace in those (embarrassing) moments.  I knelt beside DJ, and corrected her behavior in words that she could understand (which, lets face it, sounded a lot like “No”).  I looked into the sad eyes of her “victims” while saying “She’s really sorry for <insert bad behavior here>.”  I’d then apologize to the child’s mother, hug my daughter and assure her that I still loved her very much.  It felt so much more productive then being kicked, or called a jerk!

While Super Nanny may never know the positive impact that she made on me that day, or the ways that she has made me a better mom – I will always be grateful to her, and I will always strive to pay that example forward.  When I stop and think about the true definition of mercy; compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm – I realize that this lesson reaches far beyond motherhood.  It has been a lesson in humanity, really.  There will always be version of bullies in our lives, and people whose behavior (choices, beliefs, lifestyles, etc) we don’t agree with, but I trust that we are required to extend mercy, grace, forgiveness and love to those people.  Little eyes are always watching.

I’ve realized a couple of benefits from the kids being in sports that I never hear anybody talk about.  I realized the first benefits when I was watching my son wrestle in junior high school.  He used to talk to me about how he felt awkward at times in class; that sometimes he felt lost like he couldn’t keep up and that, in turn, made him feel different than the other kids.

When he joined wrestling, however, things changed.  He learned discipline because he had to keep his grades up in order to participate with the team.  Being on a team creates an environment of camaraderie, a spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood (yes, there are female wrestlers now), and he didn’t want to lose that.

My son’s self esteem rose along with this camaraderie.  He was part of an effort where others relied on him to do his job so they could win as the sum of a team effort.  He seemed more at ease with himself, and when he got on the mat, he was more prepared as time went by.

As a wrestler myself when I was in high school, I was excited to see him compete.  As soon as he got his first win, he realized how powerful he was and, in turn, so did I.  This is when I first realized he was growing up.  He was throwing 160 pound opponents around like dolls.  This also explained why my neck hurt when he used to hug me goodnight when he was three years old!  I felt pride when he got a point taken away because he virtually body slammed an opponent (not knowing this was against the rules).  Blame it on the WWE.  My son was growing up before my eyes.

Now, my youngest daughter plays field hockey in high school.  She’s in her third year and a real leader on the field.  She coaches the rookies on the team while the game is in play, backs up her teammates when mistakes are made, and never gives up when she lets the opponent move past her.

When a game is over and her team has won, the girls get together in a big circle and turn on the music.  They chose Shakira’s Waka Waka song (the song she was asked to write for World Cup Soccer this past year) as their celebration dance.  My daughter doesn’t like to dance publicly, but being part of a team makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do under normal circumstances.  The adrenalin is rushing and there she was, dancing with her teammates and coach on an open field with people all around watching them.  And she was enjoying it.  She may not have been the most enthusiastic of all the team members, but she was feeling free and liberated.

My daughter was growing up.  I realized she’s a leader when she wants to be, has to be.  She has the ability to let go of her fears when she feels she can and when the environment is safe.  And her smile is just as big as it was when she was three years old.

Sports has all kinds of benefits for teens.  I would be amiss to not point out that camaraderie has a downside as well, like everything else.  There is pressure to recognize each other wherever you are and to participate together in functions outside of the sport, like parties where alcohol and drugs are involved.  A characteristic of high school, not just camaraderie created by sports.  It’s a strong thing because it fills the need every student wants desperately to fill – the need to belong and fit in.

Watching the kids develop through sports gave me confidence that they were learning important life lessons they would be able to use when they were out on their own.  Life experiences they could draw from.  A realization that there were lessons out there that could be taught to them by others – other than their parents.  And that’s a good realization!

Please forgive me if today’s blog reads a bit fragmented or sounds like ranting.  Today, writing is merely a coping mechanism.  It’s been one hell of a week, and as I gather my unwashed hair into a rubber band, I find it amazing that I haven’t yet pulled it all out.

DJ was diagnosed with her first ear infection earlier this week.  That was, of course, after her doctor determined that she was also getting her top teeth in.  Lovely.  Her bottom teeth had just recently broken through the gums, her top teeth were now making their way down, and she had a right ear infection.  Now, I consider myself to be an extremely patient person, and can even count on one hand the number of post pregnancy meltdowns that I’ve had – but this week, this week has been one for the books!

Not only has DJ been irritable and clingy, but she has also been on developmental turbo speed.  Despite her mild fever and restless sleep, she has decided that this would also be the week that she’d learn how to stand up in her crib, how to sit back down once standing up, how to scale every piece of furniture in our home, as well as how to roll onto the dog bed and antagonize our very old, very grumpy dog.  Our house has been hit by the perfect storm – teething, ear infection, and the ol’ nine-month growth spurt.  Awesome.

I am also realizing just how manipulative, eh – I mean, smart, DJ is.  During the two nights when her ear infection had reached its painful peak, I sat up in bed cradling her in my arms all night long.  It was the only solution to ending her tears and ensuring she got at least a few hours of sleep.  However, now five days later, she is still expecting to be held.  My husband and I never felt comfortable adopting the “Cry It Out” method, but we are feeling forced to tap into the strength and discipline that CIO requires.  DJ has our number, and we must win this battle if we are to ever sleep again.

Perhaps even more disheartening than the lack of sleep, the break in routine, the impossibility of time for myself or the unrelenting task of baby-proofing our home, has been the unsolicited advice received from other mothers this week.  I swear, it feels as though some moms just hide out waiting to surprise-attack me with their arrows of “wisdom” until they see that I’m weary and defeated.  I would love to be able to just state my current plights as a first time mom without being barraged by a long list of “have you tried this?” questions, or “what I did” suggestions.  Believe it or not, despite occasionally looking pathetically lost in this role, I usually have a pretty brilliant game plan about how to overcome our current dilemmas.  And trust me, my ego has been chipped away at enough since getting pregnant that when I don’t have a game plan, I am certainly not above pleading for advice!  Sometimes I just want a friend, not a walking Ann Landers column.

So, while I typically like to end every blog with a positive lesson, or a tremendously powerful insight – I am instead ending this blog with a statement of gratitude : I am tremendously grateful for copious amounts of dark chocolate.

Next week, I promise to be showered, rested, and much more optimistic.

I’ve noticed over the last ten years a parenting trend that is disturbing to me as a parent of three older children.  So many parents are negotiating with their young children when it comes to teaching them.

I know I’m going to sound old when I say this, but I’m really not that old. Really!  When I was growing up, there was no negotiating with my parents.  They asked me to do something nicely and if I resisted, there were consequences; some more scarier than others.  But I lived.  And I think I’m all the better for it.

I’ve heard a lot of conversations around disciplining children.  “I feel guilty if I spank them or if I raise my voice.”  “All children can be reasoned with.”  “It hurts me too much to bring tears to their eyes.”  “I hate to disappoint them.”  It’s a touchy subject for most, but all of these are understandable feelings.

I think of myself as a pretty understanding father so when I feel there is a reason to discipline my children, there’s usually a good reason.  Sometimes we do it for our convenience, I’m not going to lie, but most of the time it’s for their own good.

The secret is follow through.  If you state a consequence to an action and the action doesn’t take place, simply follow through.  It’s as simple as that.  No need to count.  No need to negotiate.  Sure, it takes a little extra effort on your part to get up out of that comfy chair that you just sat down in after being on your feet for six hours, but the results will be ten-fold.  Just start out early in their lives by teaching them this simple concept and they won’t forget.  Trust me!

Just ask my children when I showed up at high school to pull them out of class in my father’s old pajamas.  After all, it’s important to understand what is important in your child’s life so when desperate times call for desperate measures, you won’t have to think twice.  And neither will they!