The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

Parenting. Sometimes it’s collaborative, sometimes it’s competitive.  There are times when we compare our children to others’, and still other times when we commiserate with other parents.  At times we feel really well supported, and times when we feel utterly alone.

Unfortunately, it seems that we feel most alone in our biggest fears, our greatest concerns.  Sometimes we obsess over one particular haunting thought – and that obsession alone convinces us that we’re kinda crazy and that no other parent could possibly have the same thought.  So, we stuff it down each time it surfaces, and incidentally, we alienate ourselves because we decide that we’re somehow in the minority. We allow those intimate “Do you ever?” conversations with other parents come to an end before we have the courage to address our “silly” obsession.

I have decided that 1) this shouldn’t happen because we’re all in this parenting thing together – and we should absolutely feel safe in the company of others trying to navigate through it all, too.  Just like anything else in life (which any therapist will agree), the sooner we say out loud the things that haunt us most, the sooner they miniaturize and begin to dissolve. And 2) I can guarantee that at least one other parent (if not, all parents) can totally relate to our “strange” feelings, thoughts, fears, etc.

I decided to post a challenge on Facebook to help me address this topic (which was originally going to be a long list of my weird obsession-confessions). I decided to give other parents a place to air their “questions.” It is my hope that these type of authentic “conversations” will continue – and that we can all finally release the thoughts that keep us awake at night, the thoughts that surely no one else can relate to, and finally hear those freeing words, “Me too!”

So, here’s how it started on my Facebook page:

Attn all parents – for my next Parenting on the Peninsula blog, I want to address the ways parenthood alters our thinking. I want to do a post called “I Need to Know,” in which I address all the weird and random thoughts/questions/feelings, etc that you need to know other parents wonder about, too. I’ll go first “I need to know that other parents worry about their kid getting kidnapped from their own bedroom at night.” “I need to know that other parents obsessively worry about their own death because they fear no one could ever take care of, or love, their children as they do.” And, on a lighter note, “I need to know that other parents feel a deep sense of satisfaction after clearing the boogers out of their kid’s nose.”

And here’s how you answered (the number of responses just further confirmed that there’s such a huge need for this kind of open sharing):

I need to know other parents feel defeated at mealtime due to the fact their kids are picky eaters? Can my kid really survive on yogurt mixed with bananas?

I need to know that its okay that I love my son and being a mom more than anything in this world, but miss a piece of “pre-mommy” me at moments.

Do other parents have certain news stories singed into their brains like I do? Stories of moms who just reach the end of it, and are truly suffering from a psychiatric condition. I think I worry that I could somehow get there or do that, even though I know in my heart that wouldn’t happen. I worry incessantly about it.

I need to know how other single parents handle the emerging consciousness of their young ones when they tell you they are sad that you and daddy don’t live together and love each other.

I need to know other moms, at the end of each day, go through in their mind the days events and how they could have done so much better or more for their kids.

I need to know that I am not a terrible mom for only being able to spend 1 hour with my kids at the end of each work day before their bedtime…yet I look forward to their bedtime so I can then have some time to myself (even though I didn’t see them all day). I mean, I only get 1 hour and I can’t wait for them to go to bed? What is that? And am I alone in feeling that way?

I need to know that it is ok that the laundry doesn’t get folded or the fridge doesn’t get cleaned, the dry cleaning doesn’t get picked up and the appointments aren’t kept. If my kid is needing attention that day, the day will be better if I cater to her needs and that’s ok.

I worry every time I go down the stairs with him in my arms that I am going to fall and hurt him somehow. Also, I obsessively count and keep track of each ounce he’s eaten and worry incessantly about it. Ugh

I need to know if other moms are total control freaks, like myself and want everything done their way.

“Am I over parenting?” when do u just step back and relax? Also do other parents worry that they are being judged about their parenting.

I need to know that other parents, while always loving their children, don’t always like them when they are acting like little demons. <—– the first time I had a moment where I realized I didn’t like my kid was horrifying! But then I realized that it happens with all other people, so why not your own biting, sand throwing progeny?

I need to know that the state of the world our children are growing up in scares the living day lights out of others.

I need to know that other people sometimes feel like they don’t know what they did for God to give them such an amazing gift.

I need to know that other parents alternate between being in awe of and so proud of their little blessing, to being mortified that they’ve raised a child that can act like THAT in public!

If I’ll be able to financially support them through college.

That they won’t appreciate things in general.

I pray he doesn’t grow up to be that bratty child that no one wants to be around.

Is my child really cute, or are people just telling me that to be nice? – lol / no joke I look at my kid and think he’s cute, but then sometimes think it might just be me and my hubby being biased.

I’m not a parent but I teach preschool and have for the last 8years….I can say that many parents come to me when they have more than one child…close in age..and they feel like they cant handle it when their husband or wife is constantly working leaving them with all the parental responsibilities…..I also find parents who are so busy that they feel guilty that they leave their child at day care all day…leaving them not wanting to enforce too many rules or restrictions on the kids when they get home….causing more damage than good in the long run….I thought I would send these thoughts your way….

What do you Need to Know?

In preparation for today’s blog post, I have been obsessively contemplating between two topics.  One is light and airy, and feel-goody all around – while the other is basically an admission of insanity.  I keep asking myself what I want my readers to think of me, and then I remember that I gave up caring!  In a recent email exchange with a friend of mine, I realized that the two go hand-in-hand – so lucky you, today you get two for the price of one.

Our previous house, which was the one we brought DJ home from the hospital to, was situated on a corner.  Her bedroom had a very large window that peered out onto the intersecting streets.  Our front yard didn’t have a fence.  I used to lay awake at night worrying that a drunk driver would come barreling over the sidewalk, across our grass and smack through DJ’s window toward her crib.  I asked my husband countless times if we could switch bedrooms with DJ, but never gave him a good enough reason (I omitted the disturbing vision that I just laid out above for the whole world to read). At this point, I understand that you’re either laughing in horror or disbelief, or you’re seriously worrying about my well-being. I get it.  It sounds so totally irrational when I say it out loud – but worries like these are completely and truly a part of my life.

I worry that DJ will wriggle free from my arms as I’m crossing the street and get plowed over by a semi truck.  I worry that she’ll drown in our toilet in the middle of the night (despite our child safety lock, and the fact that she can’t even reach her door knob to let herself out of her bedroom).  I worry that someone will break into our home, again, despite our alarm system, and somehow manage to snatch her from her bed while I am sleeping.  I worry that she’ll stop breathing.  I worry, worry, worry, about the most random and far-fetched scenarios.

This is the “admission of insanity” topic.  This is the topic that I’ve wanted to share week after week after week after week – but it just felt too glum to put into writing.  I’ve wanted to ask if any of you can relate, and I’ve wanted to say to anyone else who is haunted by such fears, “You’re not alone.”

I don’t worry about germs.  I don’t worry about illness.  I don’t worry about her choking on a grape.  I don’t worry about her happiness.  I don’t worry about her going hungry, or having her heart broken, or getting picked on in school.  I don’t worry that she’ll grow into adulthood confused about what she wants or who she is.  I just worry about the weird stuff.

Gosh, it feels so good to release all of that.  BLAH…..

Now, the feel-good part….I am madly, deeply, and profoundly in love with my daughter.  I have just made it through another storm (of tantrums), and am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (if only temporarily, as I know the tantrums will last for years, decades, lifetimes to come).  I am seeing the sweeter side of DJ’s temperament, and am truly enjoying every second of her company.  I anxiously await each day together, excited about what new words she’ll use, what facial expression she’ll try out, and what new discovery she’ll make in her world.  I’m actually just in absolute awe of her….such a little person making such a huge impact.  I find no greater joy than watching people light up as they interact with her.  She’s truly a special girl.

I think it’s been the job.  That part time job that I took on about six weeks ago has helped me gain perspective on things that I’ve been struggling with for almost two years now.  You know, the “Who am I if I’m not working?” query.  Now that I am directing my attention away from DJ 15 hours a week, I am allowing myself to accept that being a full time stay-at-home mom is a pretty damn important job.  I am finally wrapping my head around the blessing, and pleasure, it is to have so much time with my girl.  And, I am accepting that I am a really cool chick – job outside of the home or not….I rock.

So, how do the morbid and the merry topics relate?  Well, I think that because I am so ridiculously in love with DJ, I have become consumed by thoughts of things outside of my control.  Why I choose to agonize over the absurd scenarios that I do is beyond me…..except that, I have a lot of confidence in the things that I can control – like meeting DJ’s needs.  It’s the things that could happen to harm her that make me nuts.  It’s like running through a fire drill – if I am prepared (by way of pondering), then we can potentially avert the ramifications.

Truth be told though, I know there are more things out of my control than within it.  I know that worrying won’t change the outcome of anything.  I know that wasting my energy on such horrific thoughts is only harmful to myself – and my daughter.  I also know that loving someone as unconditionally as I love my daughter comes with a huge responsibility to keep her safe and protected.  I know that I am doing the best that I can.  And, I know that she never ever ever needs to hear my irrational fears said out loud.

This is motherhood.  It’s beautiful, and it’s terrifying.  It’s bliss, and it’s angst.  It’s trust, and it’s doubt.  It’s control, and it’s surrender.  It is a perpetual internal struggle, and yet it’s the most gratifying and transformational experience in the world.  And I am grateful.

I’m feelin like a pretty big girl right about now.  I did it.  I faced my biggest parenting fear tonight – peanut butter.  Yes, peanut butter.  Somehow, some way, the creamy goodness became my nemesis, and I (oddly enough) battled with the idea of it almost daily.

I don’t have any food allergies.  My husband doesn’t have any food allergies.  Neither do our parents – or even their parents.  And still, I became obsessed with anaphylactic shock.  I actually never realized that hives were a much more common symptom of a nut allergy than full blow anaphylaxis was until tonight, when my husband walked me through the “procedure.”

Prior to tonight, I had it all figured out.  DJ’s first taste of peanut butter would be in the car, which I was going to strategically park near Kaiser’s Emergency Room entrance.  That way, if DJ became short of breath, broke out in a crazy rash, started having seizures, etc. – I would be close enough to professional help (I don’t blame you for thinking that I’m the real one in need of professional help, and while that may be true – it’s another blog).

Perhaps this sounds insane (it might be).  Or maybe it even sounds insensitive for those who have experienced a serious allergic reaction (it’s not intentional).  However, it is the truth.  I was scared of peanut butter.  I was terrified that peanut butter would be the “thing” to make me say, “I just knew this was too good to be true.”  And that, my friends, is insane.

DJ has been an easy kid.  While she is 14 months old, and is experimenting with all that comes along with this age (as you know from last week, tantrums are still topping the list), her temperament is sweet and her quirks have been minimal.  I find myself wondering when the other shoe will drop more often than I celebrate how blessed we are to have had such a gloriously uneventful experience as parents thus far.  Somewhere along the line, while other moms were worrying about head injuries and kidnapping – I began worrying about peanut butter.

So, tonight became the night.  While standing in the kitchen with my husband and coming up short on ideas for snacks for DJ – we cut up an apple and I said, sheepishly, “Maybe we should try peanut butter.”  My husband reached for the jar almost immediately, but was kind enough to hear my hesitations and refer to Google for answers.  In that moment, I decided that I was tired of being controlled by my fears, and that I would prefer to triumph over this obsession with DJ, rather than to find out later she had a good ol PB&J while in someone else’s care.

“Peanut butter is number 8 on the list of top 10 allergies.  Milk and eggs are way above it.  She’s most likely to get hives, if anything. She’s unlikely to have an allergy if neither of us do.”  My husband read convincingly from About.com.  OK, DJ was already fine with eggs, fine with milk, and I knew that I was tough enough to handle hives.  As my husband grabbed a spoon, I grabbed the telephone (seriously, in case I needed to dial 9-1-1).  A little dollop on a slice of Fuji apple, and over to DJ’s salivating mouth it went.

It was completely uneventful.  She liked it – a lot.  However, she was more interested in watching our goldfish swim than she was in her newest delicacy.  I watched her like a hawk for several minutes following, before I realized what a complete whack job I was.

Now that the whole experience is over, and life in our home remains allergy free – I am trying to forgive myself for being insane, while also trying to put it all into perspective.  Listen, I am a mom.  I only want the best for my child, and if I think there’s potential for anything at all to hurt her, chances are, I’m going to fear it and try to steer DJ clear of it.

More than that though, I am a new mom.  I’ve never done this job before.  Fears and anxieties are going to manifest themselves in the strangest of ways.  Today, it was peanut butter – but God knows tomorrow it will be something else.  I am OK with that, so long as I don’t allow my fears to hinder DJ from trying new things.  Within reason, of course.

“Honey, while you’re at it, can you Google the health benefits of red wine again?”  I think I might need some positive affirmation tonight after facing my fears.