The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

It’s not something we talk about often, but let’s let the crisp fall breeze bring in honesty and grace and let us be real with one another…

To be honest, I’ve been sitting here for some time trying to get this horrible “writers” block to go away. I haven’t blogged for POP for a while now. Partly because I felt the pressure to write candidly every Saturday about my struggles with conceiving another child, and truly, I ran out of things to say in that category. I do, however, have lots to say about my every day home life with a almost 3 year old and since I got the “go” to write about whatever I feel like, I am going to incorporate more of just who I am.

My favorite season is Fall. I’m a sucker for nubby sweaters, apple cider, football, and scented candles. Every fall, I decorate our house and make it extra cozy. I’ve have a decorative plate that I bring out to display until Thanksgiving and it reads, “May Grace Surround Us.”

Recently, the subject of “grace” has flooded my mind. What does that look like in my life? Why aren’t we more gracious with each other, especially in our struggles? Particularly, why do we as women (especially those of us in our 30′s) nit pick at each other so much? Why are we so darn caddy, mean, and competitive with one another? Where is the grace that I know we all have in us so that we may share in each others struggles and imperfections?

After pondering these questions, I came up with three categories that I need to be show more grace in. These include my family, my friends, and myself.

Family:

What does grace look like in your family? For me, how do I show grace and mercy to my husband, daughter, and extended family?  I think to be open and honest with out being angry or mean. When Mike says he is sorry, to truly forgive. I am so the person who makes others have to say they’re sorry upteen times. I want people to feel really, really sorry and really, really mean it. Often times, I can manipulate a situation to make it seem more in my favor when really it’s me who is at fault. I think grace can simply be saying, “I’m sorry” or “I truly forgive you,” and mean it. I also think that grace doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It’s tempting to try and get historical when I’m in an argument with Mike, but where is the grace in reminding others of their past?

For my daughter, this is so huge. I want Peyton to grow up to be a gracious person and to really know and feel the grace she has been shown. There are times when I can ream her for something that is just so small, or my tone of voice needs to be toned down 90 decibels. I need to show her grace when she makes a mistake and to see it as a lesson on how even though I’m sad she disobeyed, that grace is one of the ways I love her. I also want her to learn how to show it to others. I love the quote by Rick Warren, “And you know, when you’ve experienced grace and you feel like you’ve been forgiven, you’re a lot more forgiving of other people. You’re a lot more gracious to others.” That is why when someone says they are sorry to Peyton, I make sure she tells them “I forgive you.” I want her to know and feel the liberation that forgiveness and grace give.

Friends:

This one is really tough for me. I see this time and time again with women…we are just so hard on one another. There is NO grace allowed in surfacy friendships and that is why I desire to deeply know and love my friends. I think about my old best friend, Erin. I haven’t talked to her in 8 years and it’s my fault. I let something that was big at the time (looking back it was so stupid and so small) to eat at me and then I blew it with our friendship. I didn’t forgive, I didn’t let it go, and grace was not shown where it should have been and I lost a friend. Forgiveness and grace go hand in hand and I believe that when you forgive you feel and experience grace and where there is grace there is a whole lot of freedom. What do I do now that our friendship is no longer? All I could do is apologize and hope that an inkling of grace would allow her to forgive me. I can only do my part and hope one day she comes back around.

Myself:

I’m really hard on myself, for everything. I usually go to bed at night rethinking of all the things I could have done better as a mom and wife. I am my own worst enemy and in my “people pleasing” kind of attitude, I have forgotten to show grace to myself. It’s in the saying over and over again that I am going to fail people, and I don’t need to have it all together is where grace is shown in my darkest times. Now that I’m going on my seventh month of trying to conceive, I feel that my body is never going to know how to get pregnant and I beat myself up over that. Maybe it’s in the showing grace to ourselves that we are able to show and elude grace to others. If that’s true, then I have a lot of work to do.

My hope for you, dear reader, that wherever you are and whatever you are dealing with that you would feel grace surround you. Maybe you are a person that needs to show more grace in your family and friendships or maybe it needs to start with not being so hard on yourself. I guess I have a long path ahead of me because I need more of it in all three categories. As we come upon the Thanksgiving season, my hope for you is that you would not only be a thankful person but that you would be a gracious person. Grace doesn’t just happen once, it happens and then it happens again. Are you a person that can give grace again, and then over again? It doesn’t mean that we don’t stand up for our convictions or let others walk all over us. In our disagreeing, we can show love and grace. My hope is that grace would heal wounds and that as you experience it, you would feel it close up the tiny or gaping holes in your life.

May your days be filled with grace and peace.

I have traded in Saturdays for Wednesdays, so please tune in every Wednesday as I write about my journey. Also, head over to www.peytonsplc.com to get to know me better.

5 pee sticks later and a lot, and I mean a lot of tears, I can announce that I’m not pregnant. I had convinced myself, which is becoming a pattern lately, that I was pregnant. I had every symptom imaginable and I “felt” pregnant. I kept telling my husband that I would totally and utterly be surprised if I wasn’t and then…my “friend” came 4 days early which is starting to make me think that my cycles are all messed up again. Not only was it a huge letdown, but it was an even bigger letdown when I realized that even though there is always “next month,” that slogan is not true for me unless you still believe in immaculate conceptions. My husband is basically gone for the entire month of May, which means I’m looking at June as the next time I can “try.”

The weird and very lovely thing is that I’m over it. I bounced back and didn’t sink into the depths of despair. I put my big girl panties on, literally, and re-entered life as I know it. The fact is, I can’t go off emotions anymore when it comes to baby making. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a reason why I’m not pregnant right now and I have to trust in timing and not freak out. Maybe it’s because I have been through this before and I know that one day I will be able to announce that I have a little one growing inside me and right now I should just enjoy the process.

If I’m being honest, there are a lot of times when I wish to myself I was one of those women who had the issue of being too fertile. Gosh, I wonder what it would be like to have the reverse problem and be scared every time my husband and I were intimate. Even though that comes with it’s own set of problems, I often wish I had that problem. I wish I could just pick the month I wanted to get pregnant and it happen. Believe me, I have friends that do.

I do believe we are all given hardships in life.  This is mine and I have to embrace it and be okay with it. It’s a tough hardship to have and yet I have grown so much from it. It has given me patience, compassion, and most of all a desire to be a voice to those who struggle in silence. I don’t claim to be one of those women who have it super duper hard when it comes to infertility. I’m not Giuliana Rancic, but I have gone through the process of being told I might not ever have children. If I have to go through 500 pee sticks to see a positive I will. Boy, my husband is one lucky man!

The other morning when I peed for the last time and saw that last negative of the month, my sweet girl waltzed into the bathroom and was wearing her Daddy’s hat. She came over to me and said, “Wook Mommy, I Daddy.” Really, that was all  I needed to put me back into reality and LITERALLY get me off the pitty pot. I proceeded to grab her and hold her and thank the heavens above for our little miracle.

I was asked by a good friend the other day while we were watching our sweet girls play together if it is ever hard to see Mom’s who are pregnant with their second. I had never really thought of it. I remember feeling very discouraged when I was trying for my first and I would hear of a friend who was expecting. It was horribly painful to attend baby showers, that I just stopped going all together. I remember after my IUI and having to wait those two very long weeks, my dear friend was to have her baby shower the same day I was going to find out. I remember feeling so selfish thinking that if I wasn’t pregnant that I would have to skip it, and if I was, I would go. I think I have gained perspective this time around that everyone’s timing is different and mine is definitely not on the fast track and I’m really okay with that.

I know a lot of women struggle with comparing and wanting so badly to be pregnant that just seeing another woman pregnant is so incredibly painful. I’ve been there and it’s tough. There’s still a twinge of pain when I see an announcement on Facebook, but the pain is duller and I’m stronger. A part of me is thankful that I get all of this time with PJ to love on her and only her. She get’s my full attention, my everything. My husband and I do laugh, though, that she really does need a sibling! She’s getting a little spoiled lately with all of our attention.

Remember, that comparing during this tough road of infertility is only going to make it harder. Sometimes we can’t help it when it seems that everyone around us is either pregnant or giving birth. I have to go back into my thought process and bring myself down to earth and tell myself that the timing for me is slower but it doesn’t mean it will never happen. When I stop comparing and start living life knowing full well that I’m the luckiest person in the world for what I’ve been given, it makes the waiting process so much sweeter.

In a week I will be taking a pregnancy test, so by my next blog I might be announcing some exciting news OR I might be getting ready for another month of trying. Either way, I’m thankful & my cup is full.

This is going to be a short blog, many apologies.

A couple days ago I convinced myself I was pregnant. I was “late” and I just felt like something was different. Of course, when I took a test, not 24 hours later, I got confirmation I was not. It took me back to the times when I would convince myself I was pregnant and every time my hopes were defeated, for a whole year, they were negative. I really don’t want to go through that again, and yet, I know that it is probably my reality.

A lot of people have asked me if I would go through fertility treatments again. It seems like the easiest thing to do since my doctor’s office is just down the street and they have all my records and not to mention my husbands “soldiers” on ice, but I just really want to try this on my own. I want to see if it was just an “unexplained” infertility issue, or something more serious that might have been over looked.

The other day, I was in the “family planning” section of CVS looking at Basal Body Thermometers, ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests. I started to sweat and feel panicked at the thought of doing all of this over again. It was one of those moments where time just stood still and I wanted to scream. If you have never experienced the dread and hopelessness that comes with infertility, it is really hard sometimes. Please consider yourself lucky if you are one of those “fertile” people and please be compassionate to those who are not. It’s a hard and long road and it can seem overwhelming at times. I was lucky enough to have PJ take me out of my panic and put me on solid ground again. Everyday she reminds me that I can get pregnant again and if she is all I have ever have, then I am peace.

Right now, I am uber sensitive to those who ask me if PJ is my only. I hate it when strangers ask me if I want another or even if I’m pregnant. Sorry, but unless I have a babies head coming out of my you-know-what, then please don’t ask that dreaded question. Just because my kid is 2.5 doesn’t mean it warrants anyone to ask such questions.

Thank you for listening to my rant and jumbled emotions today—it was a hard week with realizing I have to go through another round of pregnancy tests, but I’m hopeful of the future.

I’m sitting in my hotel room in San Diego with my little family. We’ve had such a great week of exploring all the fun that beautiful San Diego has to offer. Of course, my husband and I want to come here every Spring Break with PJ and our “future” children. It’s hard to start making plans when I’m not sure when I will be able to get pregnant. I don’t want to live constantly trying to figure out when that will be, and yet, I want to know!

It’s funny how little conversations can be encouraging without even knowing it at the time. We were able to meet some friends and our neighbors in the Bay Area down at Sea World yesterday as they were taking advantage of their Spring Break as well. I was in line for a water ride and my friend and I were talking about the age differences between us and our siblings. I’m 6 years older than my sister and 11 years older than my brother. My friend is 13 years older than her sister. Weirdly, it encouraged me to know that there are people out there, just not me, who have years and years between their siblings. Would I want PJ to be 13 years older than her brother or sister? Probably not, but if that’s how it happens, then that is okay.

I think us Moms get caught up in trying to have our children 2-3 years a part. For some reason, it feels like the “magic number” and I must admit I’ve panicked some knowing that PJ will probably be older than 3 years from her siblings. I can’t have the perfect plan when trying to plan out my family. Each family and each situation is unique and I have to be okay with my family not fitting into the mold I always thought it would. Does it scare me not knowing if we come back to San Diego next year that I might have a baby or not? Sure. Am I going to just stop enjoying the family I’ve been given now? Absolutely not.

Last night my husband and I went to Darius Rucker/Lady Antebellum concert. We were able to hang out back stage, which was such a cool experience. I love me some country music, it just speaks to the soul.

One of the songs that Darius sang last night has always hit home for me. As a Mother, I can’t believe how fast PJ has grown. I feel like it was weeks ago that we brought her home from the hospital, weeks ago she started walking, weeks ago that she started saying my name. As I’m embarking on a new adventure of TTC #2, I find that I can get pretty caught up in all that it entails that I forget to enjoy my sweet girl.

3 years ago yesterday, I conceived PJ. Most women don’t really know when they conceive, but I have the privilege of knowing when she started being formed.  I don’t take that experience for granted and the song that I had the privilege of listening to live last night, confirmed that each stage of childhood, and each stage of TTC is a journey and I know one day I’m going to look back on this experience and wished I had “savored” it more. TTC can sometimes feel like a job, especially when you know you have a hard time getting pregnant. I’m thankful that last night I was able to put it all into perspective.

For those of you women who don’t have children and long for a baby, let me encourage you. It can feel like each month is the same. Taking your temperature, figuring out when it spikes, call your husband home from work, and taking the exciting yet dreaded pregnancy test. It’s hard, I know.  My hope is that wherever you are in your TTC journey, you would take a minute and enjoy the process.  I know for some women that is next to impossible, but what an exciting time knowing that there is a possibility that you will soon become a Mom. As I have said, every baby is a miracle, but you will know full well what it took you to have your precious baby in your arms. You will look at him/her and you will know how much you sacrificed.

Darius Rucker

It Won’t Be Like This For Long

He didn’t have to wake up
He’d been up all nite
Lay’n there in bed listen’n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
Its gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we’ll look back laugh’n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later bout four thirty
She’s crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She’s clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don’t you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we’ll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

One day soon she’ll be a teenager
And at times you’ll think she hates him
Then he’ll walk her down the isle
And he’ll raise her vale
But right now she up and cry’n
And the truth is that he don’t mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch’n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He’s try’n to hold on
It wont be like this for long
It wont be like this for long

I first want to express how delighted I am to be writing as “The Mommy to Be,” I believe a lot of you readers out there will identify with the trying road that lies ahead.

To give you some background, I am actually a Mommy of a beautiful 2 year old girl, PJ (her initials). After a year of trying to conceive (TTC) I realized that there could be a fertility issue. I went to see a wonderful Dr. here in the Bay Area who started testing me and my husband. After many tests, the results came up inconclusive. I was diagnosed with “unexplained infertility.” As a 28 year old, it was devastating to find out that my body just didn’t know how to get pregnant. My Doctor’s plan of action was to begin with a procedure called “Intrauterine Insemination” (IUI) and on March 23^rd 2009 I was pregnant with my first child. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant on the first try, and yet, I know the pain of wanting a child, going through test after test, and having to go through a procedure that would fulfill that desire. I often call PJ my “miracle baby,” but no matter how you look at it, every baby is a miracle whether you have fertility issues or not, I just had to go through a few extra steps. I feel as this is my lot in life, and a burden that has given me a voice to those who want a child and can’t. Truly, it is a feeling that no one can know until they go through it. I have gone through it. I know how it feels.

I’m not here to write about sperm counts, ovulation and basil body temperatures. I do understand those topics will be a part of my writing sometimes.  However, ultimately I’m here to offer a voice to those who just need to know someone out there has walked and is continuing to walk down the path of infertility.

As I mentioned, PJ is 2 and now all my friends who were pregnant with me in 2009 are now pregnant or have their second child. I too, desire a second child and in the next month I will be TTC. I got chills the other day as I went on the internet to refresh my memory on how to take my temperature and to see if there are any new gadgets that might help me know when I ovulate. Here I am, vulnerable and yet so excited to walk this journey with you.

For myself, I hope to get pregnant on my own and have this blog turn into about life with two babies, but I have a feeling that it won’t be that easy. Tune in every Saturday for my adventures in TTC #2!

The whole time I was pregnant with DJ, I prayed that no matter what her personality developed to be, that there’d be an element of unwavering sweetness and compassion underneath it all.  Well, we’ve truly been blessed because even on her most dreadful days, she’s still worried about the crying baby in the grocery store.

DJ is always the first kid to offer another child a kind pat on the back if she witnesses them fall down.  She’s the first kid to stop whatever she’s doing, follow the sounds of distress and quietly say “It’s OK,” while looking the upset person right in the eye.  She is drawn to kids who are smaller, who seem quieter, and who are a bit different.

Last week I took DJ to the park.  It was one of our warmer January days, and we hadn’t been out to play in what seemed like a really long time.  Once on the playground, DJ quickly observed a little boy who was about her age.  He had hearing aids, thick-rimmed glasses, and wasn’t as stable on his feet as other children his age might be.  His mom was keeping a watchful eye on him, and several times, acting very sweetly as an advocate for him.  “Well, he let you play with his chalk, it would be nice if you would allow him into your fort,” she’d say to the other kids who had already assembled themselves into cliques.

DJ of course, was drawn right to this little boy.  She asked to play with his chalk, and watched him carefully – not as if she noticed anything different about him, but more out of concern that he, too, was enjoying the park.  I made several attempts to spark up conversation with the boy’s mother, and arrogantly felt proud of my daughter for the ways she was naturally keeping him included in her play.  Unfortunately, the other mother just wasn’t interested in talking with me.  I immediately judged her.  With a killer body like that, she must be a real snob.

Anyhow, about an hour or so passed by and DJ had found some other area of interest, and the little boy was happily off blowing bubbles with his mom.  I noticed that his mom had warmed up to another playground mom.  The other mom had two small daughters – one about DJ’s age, and the other just learning how to walk.  I felt a twinge of jealousy.  What did this mom have that I didn’t?  What did her daughters have that DJ didn’t?  How come the boy’s mother got friendly with her, and not me?  Man, was I in high school again or what?

I eavesdropped only long enough to hear the two talking about some sort of testing.  I honed in because I am smack in the midst of hormonal, pregnancy-induced anxiety and I feel myself listening to any and all stories involving children’s health.  And then I heard, “Most all infertility issues are directly related to low sperm count.”  Oh, ok – they weren’t talking about anything I needed to know.  Clearly, my husband’s sperm is working just fine.

Then, BOOM – the most gut-wrenching line came spilling out of the boy’s mother’s mouth swith as much anger, sadness, and truth that she could express, “I’m sorry for venting, it’s just that I see all these pregnant bellies around me, and it is so frustrating.”

That was just it.  My husband’s sperm was fine.  And, what did that other mom have that I didn’t?  Regular jeans.  I was, for that discouraged woman, just another reminder of her struggles with infertility.  It’s not that she didn’t like me, or my compassionate child – it’s that my over-the-belly elastic pants struck a chord in her that provoked deep pain and palpable resentment.  She desperately wanted what I had.  My story didn’t matter much to her, all she knew is that the end result was a rotund tummy.

For a moment, I felt guilty and selfish.  I was immediately taken back to some of the hardest moments that I’ve had in friendship.  Some of my best girlfriends have experienced miscarriage and infertility, and while they’ve literally been doubled over in despair, I’ve heard myself make them promises like “It will all be ok.”  What a shallow bit of encouragement to offer to someone whose entire world feels bleak, robbed, and short of what’s meant to be.

I cannot pretend to understand the struggles of infertility, and no matter how hard I try to approach such issues with tenderness – I am still a reminder to some women of how unfair life can be.   This tears me up inside because it’s not a deliberate comparison, it’s not an illustration that I can control or temper.  It just is.  It is my life, in parallel with the lives of other women.

So, to the mother of the boy in glasses – and to all the women out there who can relate to her, you are heroic.  You are heroic for getting up every morning, and stepping out into a world where harsh reminders of what your soul cries out for, surround you every day.  You are heroic for choosing at least one person, be it a stranger in the park, or your best friend, whom you share your candid thoughts with.  You are heroic for blowing bubbles in a park, filled with children, when you want nothing more than your own babies.  You are even heroic for protecting your heart in ways that feel necessary – even if that means avoiding certain people just because they represent something that causes you pain.  You are heroic for not losing hope.  Don’t lose hope.

I am reminded that we all have something that someone else potentially longs for.  I have caught myself dreaming of what it would be like to be this person or that, to have so and so’s problems (or, in my mind, lack thereof).  I have spent too many moments thinking that if I just had this, or that, then I’d really be happy.  But, what I am learning is that we all struggle.  We all have broken hearts, and delayed dreams.  We’re all just trying to survive some days – and that they very things we seemingly take for granted, are the very things that can make or break relationships.

While we shouldn’t be ashamed of our blessings, we should always remember that everyone has a story.

Not much to report but playing the waiting game. We plan on trying more and hoping for no period, meaning positive results. Even if I get a period, that would be great news, too, because this tells me that my body is at least giving me a natural period.

I spoke to my doctor on the phone the other day and I told him about me getting my period without progesterones. He thinks that this is great news because that tells us that my eggs are starting to ovulate! He suggests that I continue the Clomid treatment for another 3 months. I had recently reached out to him because I had read about Polycystic ovary syndrome
(PCOS) in a magazine article and felt that I was going through some of the symptoms.

“Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. Menstrual abnormality may signal the condition in adolescence, or PCOS may become apparent later following weight gain or difficulty becoming pregnant.The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Women with polycystic ovary syndrome may have trouble becoming pregnant due to infrequent or lack of ovulation.” ( http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/polycystic-ovary-syndrome/DS00423)

I wanted to schedule a pelvic exam and have my doctor look over my hormone levels from my lab tests, but I didn’t need to. Luckily, my doctor said that because I had a successful period this round, we should be fine. We’ll go through 3 cycles and go from there. I was getting worried because if you have PCOS, then you can also have complications when giving birth and fetal death. Let’s hope for good news…