The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

A seed, good soil, sun light and time

A shoot, grows taller and taller

Fresh water, daily, it learns to soak it in and it becomes stronger

A bud, it begins to open and bright color pours fourth

More time passes for it to fully open and become…

a Sunflower

A call, a possibility, and time

A boy, a baby, who needs a home

Uncertain, a risk, yet an opportunity

hoping, waiting, thinking

Another call, this may actually happen

A scheduled meeting , that perhaps may soon lead to…

A placement of a little guy that soon becomes…

our son.

Alright, lets stick with the pet theme…

This summer has been a mix of highs and lows, of ups and downs, of pain and joy.

For one thing, we just had a million guests, and an awesome camp trip and through it all I was looking for ice to put on my back because I hurt lower back (bulging disc at L-5) and now have chronic pain that makes leaning over to put on my socks one of the most difficult tasks of the day.

We  have had some extra sweet family reunion time, cousin snuggle time and super sweet meals with friends, yet, at each of those things I feel a bit sad as I’ve imagined that we’d have one extra little Hall there with us. In fact, this last week has left me extra down because I wanted “adopted child” to be able to meet family and now they have all come and gone.  Also, I was hoping for some down time with our new one, but now we are back into school schedules and whatnot.

But, the biggest up/down was walking into a quiet house after a long drive- quiet because we couldn’t find our dog. We came home on Sunday night and the gate was closed, but the yard was empty.  We drove around, we whistled and called, and I made up “Lost Dog” signs with this little picture:

Sproutie is our “first” child- we got her our first year of marriage and have enjoyed many-a-good snuggle and long walk together.  I know one day she will die and we will all cry like babies, but I’m not ready for that yet.  The SPCA shelter did not open until 11 on Monday…and we were anxious. I didn’t even want to call, I wanted to be the first one there to look.  We walked down the hallway with cute little doggies all crowded in little cage rooms.  No Sprout.  We walked through the next hallway, out the outside hallway, in the next hall and through the far door.  At the end of this last walkway, in the very last enclosure on the left, there she was.  Looking anxious and excited and I may have even been crying before we even got to her!

We are thankful she is home again, and we are currently cuddled up and cozy.

Adopting has been a bunch of ups and downs and we are still “technically” in the PRE-adoption phase.  We are at the top of the roller coaster  hill: we’ve received another phone call about another possible placement.  And now we are just waiting for our corkscrew “twist.”

We are just waiting to be found. Matched. Placed. We are waiting to be cuddled up and cozy as a family of FIVE (plus one dog and two lizards.)

Some people say faith is a childish game. Well, play on, children, like it’s Christmas day

Last weekend we got to enjoy a family camp and heard some beautiful songs by Drew and Ellie Holcomb, and the above words stuck with me from their song, entitled “Live forever”.  It’s a song that makes me think of children running through a big field of flowers. Here’s another line:

Take courage when the road is long…

Yes, that is where we are now: on a loooooong road of adopting and it truly takes a bit of faith.  and patience. and more faith. and hope.

When I was eight, I started attending summer camp for one week each summer. I would count down the days starting in February (or whenever my mom signed me up) and look forward to the day I’d arrive in Wolf Mountain and get to spend my days riding horses, singing around the campfire, playing capture the flag and floating down the stream on an inner tube. I had faith that the day would arrive.  I didn’t doubt it. I celebrated greatly when we had counted down until the day right before, then I’d barely sleep from all the excitement.

When I was eleven, I got to go to my first Young Life camp- Trail West- in Colorado with my Aunt Mary Jane.  I loved square dancing, the morning trail rides, meeting new pen pals (yes, we actually wrote real letters with paper- imagine!) and eating the best desserts ever.

When I was still 13, before I even started high school, my friend Shannon and I went to Woodleaf.  We were the littlest, so we were just the perfect size to hang out all day at the blob and be skyrocketed by the biggest people we could find to launch us. We never second- guessed a thing. We had faith that we would be okay. We had fun!

I went to this camp each year  and then, I went to other fun camps as a leader from the time I was 16 and on. The best summer EVAH was when I was 19 and  joyfully  (perhaps, childishly?!) played in the mud as a Ridgerunner Wrangler on summer staff. I truly met lifelong friends, discovered a bit about myself, enjoyed being outdoors from sunup till sundown and the laughter that comes from living in-the-moment.

Have you heard it said:

It is about the journey, not the destination

Yes, our end “goal” is to have another child in our home, but part of me writing about this season of our lives is that I don’t want to miss the lessons in the journey.

Thankful to be back at Woodleaf last week again, and can just imagine one more little face to join these kids in “jail” next time we come back.  So, if faith is a childish game, then bring it on! I want more of it!

We have had the Olympics on our minds, and we have been hearing a lot about reaching for our dreams.  It takes time, effort and a lot of hard work to reach those dreams.  Well, I have some dreams, and sometimes my heart aches because it is going to take all of us to make these dreams come true.  I say HOW? HOW?, but I know the answer:  through taking one step that I can do today, and by through making our priorities the things that matter most.

I have a dream:

that all kids would have clean water.

Across the globe, more than 3,000 children die each day from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation facilities.  (www.unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have some food in their bellies when they go to sleep at night.

Prices for basic food like rice, maize, wheat, oil, sugar and salt are skyrocketing, forcing millions of the world’s poorest children into severe malnourishment and starvation (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have a chance at education.

In the aftermath of war, often nothing can make a child feel more secure than having a school to go to. After the Rwandan genocide, 800,000 people were dead and 95,000 children were orphaned. Many children had witnessed horrible violence or were forced to commit atrocities. For these children, going back to school meant a return to normalcy. (unicefusa.org)

that all kids would have the delight and support of at least one parent.

According to reports, there were more than 400,500 children in the US foster system in 2011.  (http://faq.acf.hhs.gov)

I’m not the first to have these dreams, and I know I must re-focus myself constantly. Olympic athletes are focused on one goal and they are not distracted, not veering to the left or to the right. These quotes hit the target in the bullseye.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“It’s the greatest poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.” Mother Teresa

“Every child you encounter is a divine appointment.” Wess Stafford, President, Compassion International (Oh man, his book: Too Small to Ignore, rocked my world!)

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.” Albert Einstein

Have you all seen this video? It will make you cry! 

The hardest job in the world, is the best job in the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NScs_qX2Okk

Here’s why I love this:

It doesn’t matter what ethnicity you are, what your cultural traditions you have, or what your political beliefs are… a mom just wants the best for her child.

It doesn’t matter if you became pregnant when you weren’t really planning on it, conceived him after 3 rounds of IVF, or traveled halfway across the world to adopt him… a mom cares enough to help her child achieve his dreams.

It doesn’t matter if you fed your toddler only organics, signed her up for tutoring at 18 months of age, or sent him to a private school of some sort… you will still love her win or lose, succeed or fail.

This video shows four different moms cooking, cleaning and sacrificing to get their children to practice because moms are willing to do just about anything for their children. Though we may have our differences, we truly are more alike than not. As moms (and dads!) we long to teach them the things that matter: hard work, persistence and integrity of character.

The way we adopt our child is not what will make him/her our “real” child…it’s what we do with our time after that child is placed in our home; it’s the unconditional love and commitment we show through our actions.

So, no matter how we all got here, let’s celebrate the journey of the hardest and best job ever and continue encouraging each other along the way.

To my mom,

…who loves me not because how I came into the world, but because she saw me as a unique and precious miracle

…who accepts me not based on anything I do or achieve, but simply because I am hers

…who has taught me to value the things that truly do matter… loving and forgiving and caring for people

Thanks, mom.

While we wait, we will cultivate thankfulness.  I want to be able to be grateful for the things in my ordinary life, even if the limits of my patience are being tested.  I want to find deep joy in simple things, and I don’t want to be looking so far ahead that I miss the beauty of the present. We are waiting to grow our family through adoption, but I want to help lead our family to just take the time to see the joy all around us today.

Orange… Thankful for an almost ripe tomato that glistens with fresh water, the ribbons on the balloons that my Hunnie got for my birthday, and the stripe of paint on my girl’s artwork hung up to admire

Yellow…the amber, yellow of a Chardonnay shared with our friends in Napa, the warm soft sand in Santa Cruz and the lemon collected from our dear cousins’ house

Green… a happy little broccoli,  fresh potted basil, and the basket that carries up my warmly dried clothes

Blue… Rejoicing in the creative crazy looking animals with bright booties, the Pacific Ocean right over the ridge, a frilly apron

Purple…Thankful for the berries we picked in Pescadero, at the Russian River and while lazily wandering by a peaceful pond

I am starting a list of 1000 things that I am thankful for and I am asking my family to join me in naming 3 things a day for the next year.

Want to join me?

Yesterday, when I went to pick up my kids from day one of their super-fun morning camp, I cheerfully said: “I’m so glad you all can go and enjoy camp!!”

My boy’s snarky reply: “I know why, it’s because you like to have a break from us.”

True, but when DID I SAY THAT? I’m racking my brain, I’m feeling guilty, I’m wondering if I said it on a phone call he overheard, I’m ready to argue about “why isn’t ok for mommy to have a break, huh, Buster?”

But, what I said was (in my sweetest voice I could muster): ” No, love, I am glad you can go to camp because it is a privilege (when did you get so spoiled, I think) and because I used to loved going to camp (and I actually care about doing nice things for you, I add in my head) and I know you are loving being there with your friends.”

But, his comment nagged me all day.  I am cautious about my words, I wake up in the morning mentally preparing for the day and planning/ hoping to use only words that gently correct, calmly mold, patiently guide and truly build up each of my kids.  How did he pick up on something that was pretty much true, but definitely NOT what I wanted to communicate.  Hmmm, now I’m going to have to be more careful about my tone, and even what I do not say, but imply (maybe by the relieved sigh I gave upon dropping them off.)

So, today, I apologized and let them both know that I love spending time with them, and I also do enjoy being able to have time with daddy or a friend (or the dishes like I did today) when we are apart.  But, I really want to communicate that they are my best friends and most important to me and if I communicated that I was bothered by them, I was truly sorry.  (Yes, I gave a too-wordy shpiel)

His reply: “I’m sorry too, sometimes when I’m in a bad mood I just say stuff to be mean.”

Oh, alright, sooooo, I guess that we both need to work on what we say and what we communicate by our non-verbals as well.  And, be quick to apologize always.  And, maybe I need to not overthink things all the time, huh?

I don’t know exactly how this relates to being “Adopting mommy” except to say that I pretty much over-think things all the time because I am really trying (probably too hard, if that’s possible) to be the best at my job as a mommy so that when future child comes everything will just be so smooth.  But, lets be honest, I’m not going to solve all family communication problems today and therefore be somehow more ready for our family to grow.

I am awake every morning around 3 am, and as clear as my thinking is in that foggy-middle-of-the-night way, I worry about “messing up” my kids. (both kids I’ve birthed, but for some reason especially someone else’s child they have “given” me.) I worry about wounding them (especially a child that brings with him/her the wounds of loss.)  I worry about what my kids perceptions are of me…It really does no good if I think I’ve been a fine parent, but they have perceived something totally different. (Exhibit A, ahem…. the aforementioned dialogue.)

But, when did worrying ever help anybody? A little less worrying, a little less thinking, a little less speaking perhaps.  And a lot more words and actions that demonstration my love and delight in being with my children.

Last Sunday, all day long I kept saying,

I feel like I just found out I’m pregnant and also just found out I’m in labor.

Everything felt like it should stop, but life just kept going. I had taken out some meat to thaw and joked that perhaps we’d have another child before that even was ready to be eaten! Of course, the following day was Sunday, which just means we see a lot of people.  We couldn’t keep “the call” to ourselves, because we are open books!  Also, we love our family and our church community and honestly we have tried to be transparent in this journey of life…the highs and lows. This roller coaster has had some twists and turns for sure, and this was just another tall climb and fast drop.

So, last Saturday we got a call about a woman who had a baby that day, had seen our profile and wanted to put her child up for adoption through our agency and maybe to us! We just had to give it a night.  Well, of course, we hardly slept, tried to let the kids and family know that we might be going through some big changes, like, immediately, and then waited.

We checked our phones a number of times, washed some baby clothes, “nested” by cleaning our house, stocked the fridge from Costco…mostly because I was so restless and had to do something. We prayed for the perfect plan for this little girl to unfold, whether it included us or not.  Still waiting, I sat down and dozed off and then, RING!!! The call we have been waiting for!

The birth mom has chosen another family.  She wants her child to be a gift for a family who does not/ cannot have children.  And, I feel like I am happy the child will be in a great home, I am sad that my children won’t have a little sibling today, and I feel everything in between.  Our director said to us, “Its like having to have your bags packed, but then waiting.”…Yes, thats the tension I had felt all day.  What do I DO?!

Sister Bear is currently building this race car in our new vacuum box:

And, that is exactly it:  It is hard to pack your bags for a “trip”, attempt to make/ rearrange plans for the possibilities and then have to wait for the right car to pick you up!  But, you also DO want to take the “right” car that was meant for you when your trip ought to take you to New York (as opposed Pahrump, or wherever.)  

So, we are ready and yet, we wait some more.

It is summer and because I want to re-emphasize again and again that we can/ should/ will love learning, we have been doing some fun little science projects.  Most have worked, some have not.  (Awww, she said the raisins were supposed to dance…sadly, ours did not.)

We have been trying some of these little experiments I found here.  And, I googled (one of my hobbies) an old magic trick of sorts that I rememered from high school: You start by having a clear glass container about 1/2 full of water, and add a few drops of food coloring (blue works great)  and you will see the color spreads (you know, like gossip spreads). However will you get it clean again?

Pour about 1cup of bleach directly into the water, and in a few minutes the water will turn clear! (Yes, I let my kid play with harsh chemicals.)

Well, this works because of some sort of chemical bonding…but, lately, I have been thinking more about relational bonding.  And the “science” of attachment.  It is one of the biggest concerns people have about adopting and I know that bonding with our child will take time and a gradual building of trust.  But, really, like these science projects I don’t fully know what to expect.

Adoption.com describes BONDING as the process that a child goes through in developing lasting emotional ties with it’s immediate caregivers, which is seen as the first and most significant developmental task of a human being, and is central to that person’s ability to relate properly to others throughout its life.

Not a small task and not something I think will be easy.  Just considering the different personalities, needs and fears represented alone in our family, I know it is often hard for my kids whom I birthed.  And they have not had significant trust bonds broken. We did a haunting “homework assignment” when we were taking our adoption classes.

Step 1. We had to list all our plans for tomorrow, the people who we plan to have with us, our professional plans, the goals we seek and the people we know/ want beside us sharing those accomplishments.  Step 2. Tear the paper up.  Step 3. Re-answer those questions without repeating any of the same people or places from step 1. Basically, we are asking a child (from foster care or a previous living situation) to come into our family and imagine a new life with us and then to “hurry up and bond”.  Obviously, as this exercise shows, it is a bit of a complex equation.  It is no simple a + b = c.  It is more of a quadratic equation, or a chemistry proof (which I never really could do very well.)

I can sit here and hypothesize all day about what it will be like when we get “the call”.  And how it will be to welcome a child into our family.  But, in reality, I don’t have all the variables and we are not talking about something like science, we are talking about a little person.  So, as for the “science of bonding”…I am just reading up on it and we will have to take things one day at a time (and attempt to lay aside any expectations.)

Lately, every time I go to answer my phone and it is an unknown number, my heart starts to beat faster.  What if it is a social worker? our agency? a family has been found who wants us to adopt their child? …what’s that, “Today!” you say?…

But, alas it turns out to be the dentist reminding me of my appointment (joy) or the local pizza place offering a coupon (okay), or just a friend whose number I do not have programmed and I have to try and not sound disappointed. We are at the “they could call any day” phase of our adoption…but its also the “they could call 3 months or 6 months or whatever” phase, too.

I get my hopes up, even though we are not in a hurry.  I am expecting a child, even though I have to continue to plan things in our life.  It could be a big window of time; we could get many more unknown calls. We probably will even receive calls that we do know are from our agency and the details just don’t work out.  So…waiting, not ranting, is what I need to learn to do.

I hear things move slower in the summer.  We are totally ready, and yet I cannot jump every time the phone rings or continue to NOT make plans when it really could be awhile.  It’s strange to be expecting someone who will be part of your family forever and whom you will love wholeheartedly, but not know when he/ she is coming.

Somehow I (we, but mostly me) have to learn to keep living life, keep making plans and stop cursing at the phone when the unknown number is not who I was hoping it would be.