The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

Oh, the joys of being pregnant with your first child: midnight ice cream runs and baby showers, parenting books and pregnancy journals.  And oh, the first night home from the hospital: sleep-deprived panic.  Too often, I dismissed advice from veteran moms with a polite, naive nod.  Two kids later, and with a third on the way, I think I’ve learned my lesson.  Now that this Bugaboo’s been around the block a few times, I plan to get it right when baby #3 arrives.

1. I will sleep when the baby sleeps.  I seriously scoffed at this adage because I like to “get things done.”  I once tried to do my income taxes during nap times; I do not recommend that strategy.  Of course, with two older children, I’ll have school schedules to consider.  But if you are a first time mom, I implore you: rest!
2. I will ask for help.  So lucky I have been to receive offers from friends and family to lend a hand; and how gracious I have been to say, “That is so nice of you!” and never take anyone up on it.  My husband went back to work a few days after my second child was born, and I had an 18-month old to care for at the same time.  Not asking for help was a big mistake!
3. I will go outside at least once a day.  My best baby days started with a solo walk to the coffee shop to clear my head.
4. I will breastfeed, but this kid is getting a pacifier ASAP.  I once walked a mile down the Embarcadero hunched over a stroller.  I was trying to calm a screaming child by putting my pinky in his mouth (this was the sage advice I had read in a parenting book).  If breastfeeding is going well for you, don’t feel you have to adhere to the 3-week rule.  Which leads to #5:
5. I will wing it once in a while.  I EXCLUSIVELY breastfed my first child.  Seeing how exhausted I was after my second son was born, my friend Erin suggested that I sub in a bottle of formula here and there.  Guess what?  I got a few more hours of sleep and he survived!
6. I will challenge my crazed hormones to a dance-off.  Picture a madwoman pacing the floor at dusk with a crying infant in a sling and a toddler on the brink of a tantrum.  When the witching hour arrives for me, doing something wacky, like having an impromptu dance party, breaks the monotony.
7. I will put on the television.  There, I said it.  My kids can watch T.V. sometimes and I will no longer judge myself.  I’m not suggesting you get an infant hooked on Days of Our Lives, but don’t feel like you should be teaching one kid sign language, while teaching the older sibling chess strategy on 2 hours sleep.  The first time our neighbors invited us to have a glass of wine while the kids watched a Disney movie, I nearly wrote them into my will.
8. I will not attempt to go to a restaurant/family reunion/long car trip/or God-forbid an airplane for as long as I deem fit.  I have no illusions now that I won’t have to change my lifestyle when an infant comes along.  So I am sorry to report that I will not be attending your destination wedding in Puerto Rico two weeks after my due date.
9. I will be more social, on my terms.  Nothing makes you feel more isolated after having a baby than completely isolating yourself.  The thought of entertaining a crowd is daunting, so I’ll keep a few cheesecakes on hand in the freezer – Golden Girls style – and invite a friend to stop by.  Or, I’ll call an east coast confidante and eat the entire cheesecake myself. (Hey, I’ll be breastfeeding!)
10. I will be more present and positive.  I can’t wait to see the joy of embracing a new sibling through my children’s eyes.  I’ll even get in front of the camera this time, to fully document our growing family in its most precious, fleeting moments.

Is there any advice you wish you’d taken in the first few months of becoming a parent?

(Happy Valentine’s Day to my poor husband, who will likely be mortified by this post).

So, here’s the deal. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, and complaining a lot…like, a lot a lot.  I can’t sleep. I can’t tie my shoes. I can’t unload groceries without huffing and puffing, and I certainly can’t fold a load of laundry without noticing pain in my hands.  My doctor is now telling me that I can’t even carry my toddler around as I’m being monitored for high blood pressure.  I feel like a total loser. A great big, puffy one.

Which leads me to this post.  My tell-all entry about being pregnant.  For me.  My pregnancy, uncensored.  I decided to write this because misery loves company….wait, no, that’s not why.  I decided to write this because, in response to being asked how I was doing the other day,  I heard myself telling my neighbors, “While I adore nothing more than being a mom (which is totally and completely true), I do not enjoy being pregnant.”  I realized that I kind of cringed after that truth came spilling out of my mouth, and ever since, have been obsessing over what they must think of me. – The ol’ curmudgeon across the street who doesn’t recognize a miracle when it’s growing right inside of her.  Surely, there are other women out there who can relate, right?

Let me assure you, I do appreciate the miracle.  Honestly.  Like I said, I love being a mom.  It’s a role that I truly believe I was created for.  When people say it’s not the destination, but the journey – I say BARF.  And, I say, that doesn’t apply to pregnancy.  For me.  In my world, the destination of motherhood is hatching babies right outta my body….celebrating like hell when the 40 week journey comes to an end.  In fact, when I was pregnant with DJ, I had an OBGYN tell me that I “wasn’t good at being pregnant.”  Back then, in the midst of my 36th week of hormonal and ballooning bliss, I was devastated.  Today, I’d probably buy her a drink for being so spot-on with her honesty.  I just wish she would have padded that truth with, “…and that’s OK.  You’ll still be a wonderful mother.”

And I am.

Anyhow, I thought I’d share some totally uncensored (which means I didn’t use filters to make things pretty) documentation on where things currently stand with my body.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I find my humor in self deprecation – and my very identity in my insecurities.  So, posting photos of my seemingly flawed figure is a big, big deal for me.  Do I want a little credit for being so brave?  You betcha.  Do I want this post to give other women some freedom?  Um, yeah, that’s why I’m taking this bold step.

Without further adieu….

Filter (Me, but totally not real life.  This is the lens that I often try to spin on my entire pregnancy for fear of judgment should I tell the truth):

Now, no filter (REAL, no makeup) – and EXHIBIT ONE - Bags under my eyes:
From lack of sleep, and lack of energy to use concealer.  Terrifying.

Why can’t I sleep?  Because my hips and lower back are hosting an inferno, my groin feels like the stretched rubber band part of loaded slingshot, and my pubic bone feels like the San Andreas Fault – splitting, slowly.

EXHIBIT TWO – Pregnancy Mask:
Areas of darkened skin, commonly called the “pregnancy mask.” My already sun-damaged skin is taking full advantage of this pregnancy-induced novelty.  For those of you concerned, don’t be.  I have these spots checked regularly, and while super ugly – they’re harmless.  Pregnancy just “enhances” them.  Lucky me.

EXHIBIT THREE – Darkened Areolas:
My breasts.  Ok, ok – so the photos below aren’t actually my breasts, but they’re pretty close to the real thing.  I think my husband was being really generous when he referred to “them” as Ginger Snaps.  Ginger snaps?  I’d take that shade of brown.  More accurately, I’d call them chocolate-coated puppy dog ears – Dark, droopy and as pathetic as the look on this Basset Hound’s sweet face.

EXHIBIT FOUR – The “Popped” Belly Button:
Because this hot mess is located smack in the center of my protruding belly, I trust that it’s my belly button (Good news: No stretch marks).  My belly button never popped with DJ, so this has been a fun focal point in our household as of late (And by fun, I mean somewhat humiliating).

EXHIBIT FIVE – Swelling and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome:
Hands. Notice there is no wedding ring on the left hand?  Yeah, had to take that off a few weeks ago.  Doctor’s orders, actually.  “You should probably take that off before you can’t take that off.”  It’s kind of a big blow to the ego when you can’t even qualify for a hand-modeling career.

The swelling, along with fluid retention, is also bringing on a mean case of pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome.  YAY!

EXHIBIT SIX – Cellulite and PUPPP (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy):
Who basted my thighs in Swiss cheese?  Hello world – this is my cellulite.  It’s gorgeous, yeah?  Horrifying. Why is there a cellulite increase during pregnancy?  Basically, cellulite is a build up of fat deposits. When you gain weight (as every woman does during pregnancy), the fat cells under your skin become bigger and create the orange peel look on your body.

The itchy, red, raised eruptions of pimply skin (PUPPP) just adds texture to the already raised-relief map of my body (and don’t let the use of the word “relief” fool you).

EXHIBIT SEVEN – Swollen, Neglected Feet:
Little piggies in desperate need of a pedicure.  Only I don’t have time.  Because I have a two year old who senses change is coming and cannot be without me for more than five minutes. I should paint them myself, you say?  Yeah, of course I should – but I can’t.  I can’t bend over to reach them.  Thank you.  Which is a travesty since I am getting to the point where flip-flops are becoming my only option.

And the swelling?  Like in my hands, it’s call Edema — that’s when excess fluid collects in your tissue. It’s normal to have a certain amount of swelling during pregnancy because you’re retaining more water.

EXHIBIT EIGHT – Hives:
Unfortunately, I already deleted the photographic evidence of this lovely pregnancy-induced phenomenon.  So, sorry, nothing gnarly to look at for this one.

Pregnancy hives are caused by the incredible amount of change your body is undergoing throughout your pregnancy. Basically, your body may perceive these changes as unknown and foreign, causing your immune system to release large amounts of histamine into your blood in hopes of correcting whatever is going on. This histamine release causes hives to appear.  So, so pretty and comfortable.

IN CONCLUSION:
Now, those of you who know me know that I always try really hard to find a silver lining.  And, considering the disturbing photos above, you might think it impossible to find the good through all of the ugly – but here it is.  These are war wounds.  While not exactly pretty, they tell a beautiful story.  A story of life, of unconditional love, of regretless sacrifice, and of the power in being included in a miracle much greater than we can comprehend.

While admitting to moments of misery, and the deep, deep desperation to reach my due date, I don’t take the responsibility of child-bearing lightly.  I do realize that all of these physical changes are nothing short of extraordinary.  The fact that the female body is able to absorb all of these changes, only to later “bounce back,” is a miracle in and of itself.  We are fantastic creatures – heroic, strong, and able.

However, Ladies, it’s OK to find the nausea (which I didn’t picture above – you’re welcome), the exhaustion, the skin changes, swelling, discomfort, etc. totally annoying. It’s OK to admit that the pregnancy itself isn’t your favorite part of the journey.  Admitting those things doesn’t negate your awareness of the wonder happening within you.  It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children with your entire being.  It doesn’t mean you’ll harbor resentment toward your kids.  It doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mom.  And, it certainly doesn’t mean that you lack an appreciation for the process.  Don’t let anyone tell you to “just be thankful.”  You are, undoubtedly, basking in gratitude for the blessing.  You’re just doing so authentically.

And, if you’re one of those rare women who never experience a single pregnancy symptom, and just love being pregnant – then you should have like 12 babies!  You are amazing, and I envy your experience.

With all that said, here’s the ultimate truth. No matter which way you slice it – pregnancy is, without a doubt:

(Disclaimer: I am a worrier by nature, and presently, a hormonal mess.  You’ve been warned).

I’m laying next to my little sleeping beauty as she naps.  This has become a daily habit of ours for the past several weeks (past 6 weeks to be exact).  Ever since the exhaustion of pregnancy set in, I cherish DJ’s sleep time, and usually catch some Z’s myself.  This afternoon, though, I can’t seem to shut my mind off.

I’m obsessing over how I’m already messing up my unborn child.  While it might sound like  cracking the quintessential joke about putting aside money for their therapy later in life – the truth is, I’m actually really worried.

When I was pregnant with DJ – I lived and breathed the pregnancy.  Each quiet moment that I had was spent rubbing my belly, talking with her and daydreaming about life with her.  I even made a mixed CD of songs that made me think of her, and I played it almost nightly while I sat in the rocker in her room, caressing my baby bump as we listened to 62 minutes of music.  My husband and I would lay in bed talking to her, about her, with her.  He’d pat my tummy and say hello to her, and tell her how much he already loved her.  I am certain that we began putting her nursery together some time within my first trimester.  Even working on her baby book became a part of my daily routine.  Our lives revolved around the baby we had yet to meet.

This time around, everything is different.  Outside of pulling the sexy elastic band of my maternity jeans over my already protruding stomach (I am 12 weeks pregnant), there are some days when the only times I think about our newest edition are the times when my head is in the toilet, puking.  Even my husband admitted over breakfast the other morning, “there are moments when I forget.” Yeah, me too – and it feels awful.

I have talked with plenty mothers of multiple children to understand that I’m not alone.  It’s very difficult, if not seemingly impossible, to focus on anything other than your toddler if you have one.  DJ has just turned two – and she’s a little firecracker.  She has an opinion about everything, has non-stop energy, and while she wants to do absolutely everything on her own – I still must be present to chaperone her every move.  There is no break to pat my belly.

Even though I am reassured that this is normal – the second pregnancy being nothing like the first in it’s level of intimacy, I can’t help but lay awake wondering if my fetus already feels abandoned?  Is she (we don’t know the sex yet, but I refuse to call it an “it,” and my gut says girl) feeling totally alone in there?  Is she longing for a bedtime story directed only to her?  Is she wondering if the heartbeat that guides the very rhythm of her life, even attached to someone who promises to love her forever?  Is she confident that we want her, that we already love her, that we can’t wait to meet her?  Gosh, I hope so.

And then, I look at my DJ.  She’s been my best buddy for the past 24 months.  We do everything together (seriously, right down to peeing). She’s been my sidekick, the center of my universe, my sole concentration.  Not only do I struggle with wondering how she will adjust, but I struggle in worrying that she will feel less loved once I am dividing my attention – and that breaks my heart.  At the same time, it kind of breaks my heart that our second baby will never ever have the undivided time with us that DJ has had – and that is true of any child that comes after the first.

Before getting pregnant with our second, I was having wine with some girlfriends.  One of the women, who has two children, and I were talking and I had mentioned my fear of DJ feeling slighted by introducing another child into the mix.  She reassured me that she had once had that same fear, but that then she realized that everything she’d want her first child to learn about being a wonderful person, would inevitably come from having a sibling.  Lessons like sharing, having patience, practicing equality yet celebrating individuality, learning to compromise, the value of team work, unity, trust, etc.  Whenever I begin to wonder if I should get a bigger coin jar for DJ’s therapy bills, I think back on that conversation and realize that having a brother or sister will only enrich DJ’s life – in ways that I have yet to discover…and I’m excited about that.  I’m excited to see her not only as a daughter, a grand daughter, a cousin and friend – but as a big sister.  She’s going to be wonderful, I really know that.

When I truly put things into perspective, I can (kind of) stop worrying that the life growing inside of me feels all alone in that great big womb . DJ and I pray for her nightly, for her health, her entrance into this world, her future.  We set aside time every night to share our hopes and dreams for her with God.  And while I don’t have the “time” to get lost in obsessive thoughts of the color of her bedding – the moments I do spend thinking about her are deliberate and sincere.

What I do know, and trust above all else, is that I will inevitably feel the abundant, instant and unconditional love for her the moment I first meet her, that I did when DJ was first placed against my chest.  My heart will expand, and there’ll be room for two.  I have total faith that in that very moment, I will know that life was not complete until she joined us – and that somehow, someway – through the jealousy and territorial wars, it will all work out.  It just will.

And it will be beautiful.

You know, when POP had approached me about being a blogger for their “mommy to be” I was excited. I mean, I don’t mind bringing folks along on my journey. I had thought that I’d get pregnant, like immediately, and be able to share my experiences, thoughts, and emotions weekly. I honestly did not think that this would be more like a cannot get pregnant and trying blog. There were times when I honestly wanted to stop blogging. I even brought it up to the editors. I was beginning to feel hopeless. I was down. I was disappointed….

But then I came to the realization that blogging about my struggles would not on my make me strong in the end, but could help others that are going through the same thing. I know that some women are in the same boat as me, whether it be their first or their second, these things happen. I guess it’s nice to know that someone else is going through it and not giving up. There is hope and you just have to have faith and believe. Some of you may not be religious like I am, but I truly believe that this is an obstacle that I am getting over and will only make me stronger. Maybe its just not my time yet and I will be blessed soon when it is ready.

I didn’t realize “trying” would actually take this long. I should have been pregnant, well, I should have actually given birth already by now. I feel that the weeks and the months go by so fast. Too fast. It’s already February and I had anticipated on really trying to get pregnant by December, but that didn’t happen.

We did the first month and first try on Clomid. I should be getting my period or hopefully, not, by this weekend. I am really hoping that I am. I’ve had some interesting symptoms, which could go either way, premenstrual symptoms or pregnancy symptoms. My breast, especially the nipple area, have been very sensitive and sore. I feel like I have less energy to really do things. My lower back has also been hurting here and there and I’ve been experiencing cramps on my left side only. All the symptoms can be either so I am hoping to find out soon. Stay tuned…

It’s been an interesting week. So we were supposed to have sex on day 13, 14, 15, which would be my “ovulating days.” That is, if all went well. I really hope that this clomid is working. I know that this is only the first month and first dose, but I want to have a baby by next year.

Anyways, having sexy wasn’t a problem, since of course, we love it. It’s just funny, having to do things right during sex. Doctor recommended:

1. Missionary position
2. After ejaculation, immediately keep a pillow underneath and your legs slightly higher, to keep the sperm inside you, at least for 7 minutes.

So we’ve been doing that. I feel like an idiot lying there naked with my legs in the air with pillows under my touche. My husband sits there and laughs at me. I tell him, ” just be glad you don’t have to do this.” It was kind of a work out. New yoga pose? I laugh.

I’m researching and their are a lot of message boards where folks say that it can be as fast as the first month, but if you’ve tried 3 months, then its probably time to try a different method. Only time will tell at this point, but in all honesty, I don’t have time. If this doesn’t work out we may just do the artificial next month. Why not? It’s only $78 for our copayment. We shall see…let’s hope that my period doesn’t come and it doesn’t come for a good reason.

It feels like this week the universe is trying to tell us that we need to expand our family again.

I know how crazy that sounds.  We have four kids and several of those kids take up an extraordinary amount of time.  We can, literally, spend every waking moment with our kids and they might not still get enough of our time.   The laundry is never caught up.  Hot dogs and pasta currently count as a square meal in our house.   I just went through the closets and happily put all the baby stuff in the give away pile; bedding, tiny little sleepers, bumper pads, moses baskets.  Done and done.

Then I got an email from a friend that just brought home her newest little girl.  This same friend is the one that hooked us up with the agency that we used to adopt Tiny.   Looking at the picture of her little new daughter with dark brown eyes and a so much hair that it looked like a newborn in a wig, my heart (and my ovaries) jumped.   The next day my husband was on a business trip where he hooked up with some old college friends.  Apparently there was a baby there.  I know this because I got an e mail from the mamma of that baby the next day telling me how my husband hardly participated in the adult conversation all night. He just held the baby, and played with the baby, and burped the baby.   She even sent me pictures to prove it.   When I casually asked him about it he told me that he might have been having flashbacks of our baby days and wishing that it wasn’t quite over.

So that opened the conversation. I would not really have brought it up–because honestly I feel like our lives are busy and fulfilling and we have a great little family.   He didn’t want to bring it up to me because in our family the baby gestating and raising is all dependant on what this mamma feels like she can manage.  He can feel like he wants another one all the live long day, but I have veto power.  I am surprised at how both of us were leaning to the “I wouldn’t feel like jumping off a bridge if I had another baby” side of the argument.

I know what it feels like to long to have a baby. I have such empathy for my fellow blogger, Olivia.  I have been there. The attempts to get pregnant, the doctors and disappointment.  We had issues with secondary fertility, so while I already had a child,  I know what it feels like to want a child more than anything in the world.   The the children started coming to our house; three kids in 3.5 years.  A true baby tsunami.  Then came all the special needs revelations.  We struggled to change our expectations, learn a new way parent.  The therapies and the special classes and the extra doctors appointments became all consuming.  Somewhere in the middle we were still trying to parent and create a new normal.  These new feelings aren’t like ones from before.  They are more of a feeling that someone might be missing, rather than raw need and desire.

Every time I get asked by other moms how to I knew when it was time to have another child I shared with them my personal baseline.   If you look at a lady with a small baby and you think to yourself “better you than me” you might not be ready for another one.  I have been firmly in that camp for 2.5 years.   Then last week I found out that another friend was pregnant and I had a tiny twinge of “oh, lucky!!!” instead of the normal fork in the eye feelings.

I am aware that these feelings could be because my baby is getting older and is most certainly not a baby any more.  This is the first time in a while that we haven’ transitioned a child into toddler hood without another baby coming down the pike.  It could just be regular old wistfulness for the wonderful times we have had.   I am not sure.  As all my kids get older and their personalities get more complex, I do long for the days when their needs were so easy and I could solve all their problems.  My “having a baby” memories are shrouded in fuzzy feelings where the long nights, the sleep deprivation and the crying… ALL the crying…. is forgotten.

So there we are.  We have a great family. I love parenting all of my kids, even with all the extra stuff they bring to the table.  I am not saying the baby hunt is on, but I am also not totally sure that it is over either.  I would love to adopt again–even look into a child with special needs, since that doesn’t seem like such a scary idea any more.   I would also like to try to have another biological child.  It was easier when that door was totally closed.

How did you know when you were finished having kids?

A good friend of ours just told us that they are pregnant. I am so happy for them, but I couldn’t help also being sad at the same time. I had spoken to her about a couple of months ago and we were talking about how we are both trying and that it would be awesome to get pregnant at the same time. It looks like that won’t happen now, since she is already one month along.

When will it be my time? I can’t help but to feel broken, helpless, and down. I know that my husband and I want children now and while everyone else is getting pregnant, I am still here waiting. I feel like I am broken. I know that our parents are wanting grandkids as well and have been nagging about it for over 2 years now. I wonder what they think of me?

My husband and I went to church this past Sunday and the message couldn’t have been more appropriate. If you are Christian like me, there is a story in the Bible about Hannah and her infertility issues.

Hannah was happily married but could not bear children (Samuel 1:11).  Day and night, Hannah prayed and begged for a child, but still she did not conceive. Hannah did not give up on faith nor did she give up on herself. She continued to pray and pray and finally, she was blessed with a baby.

After hearing my pastor say that Hannah was blessed with a baby, I felt more hope. Like Hannah, I will not give up on faith or myself. I will continue to pray and know that I will be blessed soon.

I am very excited to be one of the new bloggers for Parenting on the Peninsula. I just turned 30 and have been married for 2 years. I met my husband in college. We were good friends and study buddies at first, but we started dating and have been together ever since.

This coming July, we will have been together for 10 years. We’ve graduated together, gotten baptized together, bought a home, are at our peak in our careers, and we are finally ready to start having children. I am excited to share this journey with everyone and hope to bring some inspiration to some of you. I appreciate any feedback or advice.