Posted by Gina Perkins, Pre-School Mommie | Posted in Gina Perkins | Posted on 12-06-2012
I was totally inspired by this blog post I read last week: http://honesttoddler.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/im-sorry/#more-191
It’s an entry written from a toddler’s perspective, and it’s hilarious. It got me thinking….what would DJ say if she was given an open platform to share her candid thoughts? Here’s my best guess:
Bedtime was pretty rough last night. Mom and Dad are learning my tactics and they’re cracking the whip – its starting to piss me off, actually. So, I gotta step it up a bit, dig deep into my bag of tricks.
When I sensed we were nearing the end of dinner, I decide to ask for a second helping of chicken. Mom fell right into my trap when she snapped, “No, you haven’t even touched the chicken on your plate.” BINGO. Not only will I use this point to my advantage a little later, but I’ve got her right where I want her. We’re arguing – and I’m buying a few more minutes of “awake time.” But, out of nowhere, Dad threatened that I’d get sent straight to bed if I didn’t stop defying Mom. Ugh, I hadn’t counted on that one.
We finished dinner and I had to ask permission to leave the table. With my sweetest voice and that warm grin that gets them every time, I coyly asked, “May I please be excused?” They said yes, and I broke for freedom. Made a bee-line for the couch and within seconds had thrown all the cushions off and jumped the length of the couch with tiny hops. It was a race against time, but I gave it all I had. Within seconds, Mom and Dad boomed, “STOP JUMPING!” so, I feigned an injury. “Owie Owie Owie!” I cried. I blinked out a few fake tears and put my pouty face on. Earned a few more minutes by way of sympathy hugs. Yes!
Alright, time to head into my bedroom for story time. First, PJ’s. Mom pulled some jammies out of my drawer while Dad instructed me to choose three books. I grabbed the biggest three books off my shelf – HA! Dad started in on the negotiations….”You can either have one of those big books, or three small ones.” BLAH, Blah, blah….I took the opportunity to glance over at what Mom had laid out. It was all wrong. “NO, NO, NO! I want The Little Mermaid ones, not the Cinderella ones!” Man, I’m good – another fight with Mom = more time outta bed. I gotta say, Mom’s so entertaining when she’s exhausted and frustrated. Her hair falling out of her ponytail as she rocks my baby sister in one arm while throwing pajamas around with the other. I try not to laugh as I delight in my evil, but I’m still trying to contend with Dad, too.
I’m not quite sure how I lost my power, but in one fell swoop, I ended up being stuffed into a Little Mermaid top with Cinderella bottoms, and three small (and totally boring) books. I was under my covers and my lights were dimmed. Ugh, story time was upon me.
I listened intently as Dad read my stories. Just kidding! I didn’t listen to a single word…..I was too busy revising my plan as I hadn’t intended to be in bed just yet. So, yeah, anyway. Dad finished the books. Mom told me she loved me and out she went. Dad tucked me in, and followed Mom out.
Think fast, DJ. Think fast.
“MOMMY! DADDY! I need to go pee pee.” Nothing. They’re ignoring me? Seriously? The nerve. Really? “I need to go pee pee!!!!” Again, nothing. This is absurd. I gotta step it up.
“I’m too hot!!!!!” Silence. They’re seriously gonna let me roast?
“I need some water!!!!!!” I’m parched. Kinda. Ok, not really. But, I mean, for all they know my tongue has turned to sandpaper. How can they let me dehydrate? They’re letting me dehydrate. I can’t believe this…..
“TUCK ME IN. I need my paci. I need Lovey. I NEED YOU!”
Wow. Ignored. Ignored. Ignored. Time to make them regret playing this game with me. “I went poo poo!!!!” How ya like me now, suckas!?
As I heard Dad’s quick steps approaching my bedroom, I had a brief moment of regret – but then I thought “What could he really do? I mean, it was their fault, after all, for letting things go this far.” I decided to throw in a tantrum for added drama…thrashing around in bed so as to throw Dad off his game when he entered my room.
I’m guessing that was a bad plan because Dad was PISSED that all my rolling around smeared my poop all over my butt and my back. I tried not to laugh as he gagged while cleaning me up. But SCORE. I got The Little Mermaid shorts that I had originally requested. Damn, I’m good.
“Goodnight, DJ. Do not call us again. We will not come back. It’s bedtime. I love you.” Dad is such a softie sometimes….awwwww, so sweet. It’s a good time to make another plea.
“Mommy! I’m still hungry. I didn’t eat all my chicken!!!!”
Needless to say, no one came running in with a tray of cold dinner. You can’t blame a girl for trying – and with the entire night ahead of me, I was able to plan out how to sabotage breakfast.
Rock on with my bad self.