The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

Lately, every time I go to answer my phone and it is an unknown number, my heart starts to beat faster.  What if it is a social worker? our agency? a family has been found who wants us to adopt their child? …what’s that, “Today!” you say?…

But, alas it turns out to be the dentist reminding me of my appointment (joy) or the local pizza place offering a coupon (okay), or just a friend whose number I do not have programmed and I have to try and not sound disappointed. We are at the “they could call any day” phase of our adoption…but its also the “they could call 3 months or 6 months or whatever” phase, too.

I get my hopes up, even though we are not in a hurry.  I am expecting a child, even though I have to continue to plan things in our life.  It could be a big window of time; we could get many more unknown calls. We probably will even receive calls that we do know are from our agency and the details just don’t work out.  So…waiting, not ranting, is what I need to learn to do.

I hear things move slower in the summer.  We are totally ready, and yet I cannot jump every time the phone rings or continue to NOT make plans when it really could be awhile.  It’s strange to be expecting someone who will be part of your family forever and whom you will love wholeheartedly, but not know when he/ she is coming.

Somehow I (we, but mostly me) have to learn to keep living life, keep making plans and stop cursing at the phone when the unknown number is not who I was hoping it would be.

If you have ever spent some time with a “shrink”, therapist, or counselor, he/she might ask you:

How do you feel about that?

Perhaps followed by another great question:

Why do you think you feel that way?

So here is my list of the myriad of things I have been feeling over the course of the last year.  If you have walked this path, I’m sure you could attest to the mixture of highs and lows on the roller coaster.

Excitement -last May we started meeting with friends to get advice, listening to webinars, making appointments with different agencies and taking our first steps toward adoption.  What I had waited 15 years for was in the works!

Uncertainty - All the what-ifs start to sneak in and we started having some serious discussions about moving forward. There was a defining car conversation about my husband making my dream become his dream.  And our hearts grew together.

Confidence - We found a great agency, this was really going to happen (at some point in the future.) Every event we have passed since then I have imagined it will be our last as a family of “just” four.  Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas until another child joins us. (But, who knows, because now we are coming around full circle- a year has officially passed.)

Determination - Give me a pile of paperwork and let me at it.  The one phase we could blaze through if we could just find the time to both fill out a detailed history, house layout, and our views on everything from discipline to holiday traditions. Appointments galore, and making a date out of them on Hunnie’s day off.

Unyielding - In October we had to coordinate multiple sitters for our training, Hunnie left for the Dominican Republic, I had to pay way too much to change our plane tickets, but we were going to keep moving forward.

Overwhelmed - Taking the classes was like being sprayed by a firehose…a lot coming at you.  It was information about bonding, attachment, and the system of California.  Books, homework and information overload.  Decisions. Consensus. Moving on.

Surprised - In December we got our first call about a possible situation.  “Would you be willing to take a 13 month old child…tomorrow?”  This is just what we signed up for…a hopeless mother, needing to know there is hope out there. Well, we weren’t thinking things would move so quickly.  How much do we tell our kids? Checking phone every hour.  Waiting.  The mom is keeping the child.  We are not disappointed, it is the best outcome.  But, maybe we should start babyproofing (just in case), because apparently “it” can happen overnight.

Encouraged - with our homestudy complete, and another possible scenario extended to us, we start to clear our calendars.  We are thankful and hesitantly expectant.

Depressed- very sad about brokenness in the world, and in families.  Sorry that children often pay the price for a parent’s addiction, neglect or carelessness.

Hopeful - Another call that just doesn’t seem to be a fit.  But, I know that there is a family for these two children and we continue to wait.

Contemplative - Feeling like the ninth month of pregnancy that just seems to go on forever.  Except, that it doesn’t last for just a month and there is a whole list of unknowns to be considered.  Enjoying the moments as a family of four, knowing it will change, just not when.

Impatient - For some reason, last month has been the hardest.  I had thought I’d have some “bonding” time with future child before summer.  I had thought he/she would be here for our upcoming family reunion.  The phone has been silent, and my kids have been asking.

Blessed - by the comfort and support of others.  Encouraged by the words so honestly shared by others.

So, how are you feeling about things?

While we are waiting…we will serve others.

What kind of family do we want to be? What kind of virtues are important corner stones of our family life? How can we put into action: our desire to love those without able parents? to serve the needy? and just plain give back here in our community?

I want our future child to know that we want to be a family that serves together.  So, while we wait for him/her to join our family, we already can do things to help children in the foster system, to benefit kids in orphanages worldwide or to just care enough to to meet a local need.

I know that not all people will run out and sign up for fostering or adopting.  I do not even believe that everyone reading here should bring a child into their home. However, I do think that there is something that everyone can do to help a child (orphan) in need.  I do think that there are things in each of our own “backyards” if we are willing to open our eyes and our hearts, our time and our pocketbooks to serving.  It is not enough to say “I care”, I think that true compassion leads us to action, which leads to positive changes.

“I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything; but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” Edward Everett Hale

Last weekend, our family spent some time with some dear friends working at a local continuation school, planting flowers and writing letters to teachers just to thank them. Without. Expecting. Anything. In. Return. Isn’t that what true service is? Isn’t that the heart behind parenting? And, adoption as well?

If you are interested here are some things you can do to serve, care and make a difference pick one of these following ideas and get started TODAY!

1. Start with the people that you know. Mentor a young mother.  Bring a meal to new parents.  Host a shower for foster parents. Just ask your neighbors how you can serve them and do it as a family.

2. Start within your community.  Is there a park that needs clean up? Is there an elderly care center?  (Big tip: let your kids wear their crazy dress up clothes and pick the flowers they are always trying to anyhow, then bring them and their big smiles to visit those in a retirement home. Sure to bring a smile.)

3. Specifically, with a heart for the fatherless: become a CASA worker!  Court Appointed Special Advocates partners caring adults with children who have come under the court’s protection because their parents can’t or won’t take care of them. I found a full description of this (which is seriously awesome) and also a ton of local organizations to work alongside  with at:

http://www.volunteerinfo.org/category/peninsula/san-mateo-county

4. Specifically, with a heart for people with developmental delays, become a respite care provider with Parca! Or, become a licensed respite care provider for foster parents.

http://parca.org/

5. Specifically, with a heart for women facing unplanned pregnancies, host a “shower of support” for a teen mom!

An organization to partner with may be: www.firstresort.org

6. Give financially! Many families I know want to adopt but balk at the costs.  Give generously and joyfully, if you can and if you can’t, then host a garage sale or get creative.

7. Look abroad.  We have a big world full of little lives that want to be loved, fed and remembered.  Make it a family priority to support organizations like the fun TOMS shoes that give a pair to a shoeless child abroad for each pair sold here.  Every year at Christmas I get some of my cousins chickens, ducks and a share of a goat…no, they don’t receive these at their condos here on the peninsula, but a child in Uganda does!

One of the things that has been the hardest for me in our journey to adopt, is the fact that every adoption stems from a situation of loss, sadness and hurt.  It is almost paralyzing.  Most people have loving hearts that truly do want to make a difference, it just takes one step of action that can lead to a positive change in the life of another.

While we are waiting…we will date our children.

I’m starting a new series about the things that fill our minds and our moments as we prepare to open our hearts and home to our future child. Each day I think about him/ her and wonder if he/she has even been born yet, or is healthy, or is safe… I wonder and I wait and wait and wait.

We are at the point where there is nothing left to do, but to wait for a phone call. Days…Weeks…Months…

Each holiday that passes – even the silly little ones like St. Patty’s Day – leave me wondering if next year I’ll be buying some little green socks for some little person who calls this place home.

So, while we are waiting, we will cultivate the relationships that we have.  We will enjoy the extra time that we have with Brother Bear and Sister Bear and we will take the time to “deposit” into those relationships.  Some days are very trying and full of constant push-back.  It seems like most of the words that come of mouth are corrections (Don’t run in the house! How many times have I asked you to put on your shoes? No, you may not eat that now! Please don’t “swim” in that mud puddle…do you do the wash?…for real, that exact phrase came out of my mouth last week!)  I know that discipline and gentle correction are an inevitable part of parenting, but some days  weeks feel so off balance!  Those “withdrawals” can really start to wear on our relationship and that’s when I know it is time to schedule a date with my child.

When your family grows, (whether though adoption or childbirth…or to make it even broader, through a grandparent having to move in)   there are certain “withdrawals” that happen in the existing family relationships.  Maybe the normal bedtime routine is altered while mommy is feeding baby, maybe dad misses a baseball game while he takes that child for an appointment.

There will be adjustments all around, so as we prepare for our family dynamics to change, we want to make sure that we have regular set-aside time just to “date” our children and check in on them.  I want to be able to sit across from my son while we eat ice cream and draw out the entire story about the girl who lied to him at recess. I want to encourage him, let him know I am listening with both ears (you know?!), and intentionally use my words to build him up.  I want to sit next to my girl while we get our toes painted, listen intently and laugh with her as she tells made up jokes (like: “Why do zebras cross the road? …Chicken Noodle!…in her mind it must make sense ) I want to purposely point out how I see and appreciate her creativity and joy.

It will be important for us to have one-on-one time with our future child, as well, so that we can even continue to dialogue about his/her feelings about being in a new home, having new siblings, and growing up with whatever story brought him/her to us.  But, for now, I can only dream of those moments and what that future child will want to do on his/her special date days!

Here are the Date Wheels I made with my little muffins earlier this year.

I picked three things that I love to enjoy with them and they each picked three of their own.  (I was quite surprised by Sister’s plan to “play football at a park” with me!) We always say that these dates are not about getting something, but rather they are about time building up the most important relationships!  (Daddy does his own special traditions with each of the kids and it usually involves sweets, starbucks or shoe shopping! He also has a bit of an “agenda” to show our daughter how a man should treat a “woman”…opening doors and what not.  And his “agenda” with our boy is to teach him ways to grow in virtues of courage and conviction. I fall in love with Hunnie each time he takes our kids out!)

Sometimes we don’t even need to go out…you know you can have a perfectly good snuggle date! Sometimes we set aside some major snuggle time in the morning (or afternoon) with time to chill in bed and chat and play.  We first play the rhyme game (I start with a word like “chip” and then you go back in forth with “dip”, “slip”, etc until one person cannot think of a new one) Then,  the i- love- you- more- game (you know this one…you think of crazy things like: i love you more than all the little pieces of sand in your dirty lizards’ cage). And then, the plant- a- tree game (where you tell a story as you scratch it out on your kid’s back like this: first, farmer Missy planted a tiny green seed, and every day she watered it…) Starting the day like that instead of “Hurry, Hurry, Hurry” sure feels better! (Can’t wait to teach these things to our future child, too…But, today, I’ll wait.

What are some things you do to spend sweet one-on-one time really listening and intentionally building up the ones you love…especially if you are in a season of waiting for…whatever it may be?

Here’s to some Happy Dating!

~Missy