The Mommies' Diaries…Parenting, One Blog at a Time.

Hi! I’m newbie blogger Annie, writing to you as “Working Mommie”… boy am I a working mommy… or was up until this last Friday… or wait, I still am… have I got a story for you. I suppose I should give you a little background about myself first, I’m a single mommy to almost 3 year old Allie. I’m a 34 year old Peninsula native that adores this area and is so grateful to be able to raise my kid here (aren’t we all! I don’t have anything past my 2 year Associates Degree, but after the job I just left, I feel like I graduated with my Masters. Let me explain…

For the last few years I’ve been involved in something bigger than I ever could have imagined. I was part of the Mills-Peninsula Hospital Replacement Project in Burlingame (see here), helping to build and coordinate every aspect of the brand new state-of-the-art medical center. I am not sure how I ended up in that role, but I did through moving up in the organization and finally landing on that team. In the beginning I thought I was nuts for taking the position, for the learning curve was so steep. I knew nothing of FF&E (Furniture, Furnishings, Equipment)… I knew nothing of Construction or Signage or planning a transition of moving hundreds of staff and patients out of an old hospital into a new one… I knew nothing of space planning or hospital technology or what Stereotaxis was or a Hill-Rom Nurse Call System or a Liko Patient Lift, etc. etc. etc. etc. Believe me, there are a LOT of etceteras. Anyway… here it is 4 years later and it’s done. Complete. Finished. Everyone is moved in, patients love it, community loves it, we’re proud… and I’m done with my job. But wait… I forgot to mention…

During this time I’ve also been running my own part-time photography business (dragonflyannie). How? I HAVE NO CLUE! It is my passion, my one true love (aside from my daughter of course). I just kept going. I scheduled shoots when my daughter was with her Dad, and I only post-processed photos and worked on orders after my daughter went to bed at night. This meant going to bed sometimes at midnight, 1am, 2am. I have barely slept in the last couple of years. I thought about quitting the photography a number of times, but something greater was pushing me. I’ve never thought of myself as a workaholic, and don’t consider myself one at all. I didn’t like it this way, but knew that I had to keep going. Even though I tried so hard not to let my two jobs interfere with my time with Allie, every other part of my life suffered ~ my “me” time, any exercise was out the window (thank goodness I walked around the under construction hospital miles a day to help me lose my baby weight!), no time for dating, no time for much of anything else… but I still. just. kept. going….

Now here it is, present day. Project has come to an end. Part of the project team was let go, not because of budget cuts, not because we were fired… far from. Our jobs were just complete ~ project funds were up and we had nothing left to do. We knew when we started that this would be our fate. Friday was my last day. I’ve never in my life felt more sad about leaving a job – leaving the people. My project team was amazing, they became family. The experience was mind-blowing not to mention mind-boggling. I always asked myself how I got so lucky!? This crash course in project coordination / management of a project of THAT scale is why I feel like I just graduated with my Masters, or at least what I would imagine it to feel like. I feel an immense sense of accomplishment and contentment. So anyway, back to this Transition thing…

I never would have taken this leap of faith if I wasn’t forced into it. When I finally learned what my last day would be at MPHS I was scared, a bit depressed and honestly couldn’t believe it was finally approaching. Part of me thought it would never come. Then one day, someone said something to me on a facebook post that made me stop and think – like SERIOUSLY think – that wait a minute… this was happening for a reason and that I was finally getting a chance to do ONLY my photography. WHOA! Hold on a second… ummm, can I do that? Really? I don’t know, but in that moment I decided to embrace it and gosh darnet I’m sure as hell am going to try! I guess I really did keep going with my business for this reason. I knew deep down, even though subconsciously, that I would need this business when the end of my project came along. If I had stopped, I wouldn’t have had the momentum to make this leap feel logical and not so scary… well wait, I am scared that is for sure, but not as much as had I quit my business when I was in despair many nights about being so busy and stressed out.

At the end of the day, I’ve had MANY transitions over the last 4 years: the transition of becoming pregnant, becoming a mommy, becoming a single mommy, transitioning an entire organization and patients into the new hospital, transitioning out of my role as a project coordinator and into a full-time photography business owner. I’ve had quite enough for a while, I’m really hoping life can level out for me now (or is this even possible ). My main fears / doubts stem from wondering if I’m doing the right things for my daughter. Am I making a mistake by not having the “stable” paycheck? Should I be looking for at least something part-time? Will Allie benefit more from me doing the “safe” and “normal” thing with my life and should I just go find another job? Or will she benefit more from seeing her Mommy follow her dreams and go after what she truly wants and is passionate about… because isn’t that what we teach them? I want her to be whatever it is she wants to be… I suppose it’s time I start leading by example.

Deep breath. Next chapter. So happy to be here to share in this journey from here on out.
Wish me luck!

Many beautiful blessings,
Annie

The other day my Facebook status read, “…..is juggling A LOT, and loving the circus act.”

Those who know me well know that there is never a dull moment in my life, and that I am perpetually guilty of biting off almost more than I can chew.   The rush of adrenaline that I get from bouncing from one initiative to the next has always been what gets my blood pumping.  However, after I hit “Share” on my profile page, I felt pretty deceptive. The truth was, I was panicking.

After I had DJ, I quickly decided that just being a mom was plenty of pandemonium for me.  I didn’t feel like I needed to take on anything else – and that just keeping DJ safe, fed and clean everyday was a big enough commitment.  There were days when boiling water for macaroni seemed overwhelming, and to use one of the corporate terms from my past…..sometimes I just didn’t have the bandwidth to even brush my teeth.

Well, here I am ten months later, and I am periodically forgetting to breathe.  I am still a stay-at-home mom, but have taken on some additional projects.  I am working with two other fitness professionals to plan a huge fundraising event in less than four weeks, while also doing some contract work for my past employer (this, in addition to the fitness classes that I teach on Saturdays, and the clients I see throughout the week).  I went from all DJ all the time, to all DJ all the time except for her naps when I work like crazy to get it all done.  Overwhelmed? You bet.

I find myself waffling between my ego and my white flag – wanting credit for all that I’m doing, yet desperately wanting to surrender.  I had started getting comfortable with parenting, and secretly yearned for some external intellectual stimulation.  When the opportunities arose for me to once again wear my professional hat, I leapt at the chance.   While I have no regrets about all that I have taken on, I do worry at the expense of which I’ve accepted.

Time to myself is an absolute impossibility.  With all that I have on my plate, I cannot afford to “waste” a moment of my free time on things like bathing, eating, or even staying hydrated.  The minute DJ falls asleep – I am glued to my office desk.  I am exhausted, and my neck is killing me from being crouched over a computer.  My goodness, am I failing miserably, or exceeding expectations?

Any outsider would say that I am exceeding expectations.  They would look at my laundry list of daily accomplishments, and they’d feed my vicious ego with some sort of affirmation.  I would likely reply with something disingenuous like, “Oh, I’m having a blast!”  However, if I were strapped to a metal chair in a cold room with a spotlight glaring into my eyes….I’d have to admit that I just might be failing miserably.

This afternoon, I sat in the hallway with my laptop open, working on a document for my past employer.  I laid out a ton of toys around me, and encouraged DJ to entertain herself.  Like a cat, sensing where my attention was directed, she pulled herself up and onto my computer relentlessly.  I got frustrated, and then realized that I was on her clock.  My first commitment is to my family.  That is the job that matters most, and the career change that I have gladly devoted myself to for almost a year now.  In that moment, I shelved my laptop – but not before sending off an email negotiating an extended deadline for my project.

I suppose that from the perspective of recognizing my priorities, though a bit late in the game, I just might be succeeding.  Despite the crazy (self-imposed) pressure, I do in fact, want to do it all.  I actually don’t commit to anything that’s not important to me – however, the very most important thing to me is my baby girl, and our time together is absolutely non-negotiable.  She gets the first 100% of me.

Life is crazy for me right now.  I am going through a very trying time in my marriage, I am looking for a full time job while maintaining several part-time jobs, I am a mom and I am at my limit.  I am sorry if this seems like a whoa is me type intro but maybe it is.  I need a “whoa is me” moment!!!!  Don’t we all?

I am by nature a go getter.  I am organized and I am good at what I do.  Lately though it seems as if I am not good at anything!  I take that back, for once I am a really good mom.  My daughter is happy!  We are having far less tantrums!  Being a mom is great right now!  It is everything else that is horrid.

My heart hurts.  I almost feel as if I am outside my body right now.  I am not me.  This person that is surviving day to day, isn’t me.  I have always been the one on top of things.  I have always been the one to get things done.  I think that girl has left the building.  Where did she go????  I need her to come back to me!

Do other moms feel this way?  They have to right?

Depression you wonder?  Um, ya think?  Yeah, I would say that I am depressed.  I take medicine for it but it is pretty darn bad right now.  I can’t get out from under everything to be on top of anything!!!!  It is a nightmare really.

I am on a mission.  My mission is to find that girl.  Where has she gone?  Who am I now that I have been home for 5 years and am trying to make my way back into the world?  I am not sure but I am on a journey to find her!

I make no amends for being a downer.  I think at some point all moms have times like these.  I would really love to hear about yours.  Please let me know that I am not alone!

You’ve heard me talk about it before…I once had a glamorous job, but traded it all in for what could very well be aired on the Discovery Channel as an episode of “Dirty Jobs” (recall my recent “poop blog”).  Yes, once DJ was born, I decided to be a SAHM (an acronym for Stay-At-Home-Mom, which I discovered through my once-foreign mother’s message boards).

I was hit with a double whammy last week week.  It all started on Wednesday when I spent an ENTIRE day shopping for a dress for an upcoming wedding.  I went to two malls, and even hit downtown Burlingame.  Nothing.  If it actually fit this new body of mine, it consequentially screamed “HOMELY MOM.”  Despite finally reaching my pre-pregnancy weight, my body was so, so different – and quite frankly, I never expected that camouflaging my wider hips would prove to be so challenging.  I hardly recognized myself.

As I was trying on what would be the final dress for the day, I started breaking down a little bit.  I slipped the dress over my head, and as I was pulling it down over my chest, it got stuck.  “Seriously?  Now the waist of the dress is too small to go over these flapjacks (I am no longer breastfeeding, so that “area” is now a deflated eye-sore)?”  I couldn’t believe it, the dress would not budge and I was drowning under a sea of fabric that I didn’t even like to begin with.  When I finally cleared an air hole – I couldn’t help but laugh…..it wasn’t the waist of the dress that was caught, it was the hanger loop.  After I freed myself, I allowed my ego to temporarily retell the story…. “I am so thin, in fact, that even a hanger loop could fit around me.”  OK, back to reality – I still didn’t have a dress, and it certainly wasn’t because I was too thin.

Fast forward a few days to Friday, when I found out that the fabulous group of women that I used to work with, were heading to Napa for fun offsite.  I became a total stalker and followed their festivities on Facebook.  Each giggly status update made me feel worse, and still, I couldn’t stop reading.  I was feeling really sorry for myself, like I had been excluded from the group.  I had strange flashbacks to high school, and the hunger to be friends with the “cool girls.”  In the moment, I couldn’t pinpoint why I felt so betrayed having not been invited, despite no longer being employed with the company.  I started to feel resentful, pathetic, and unwanted.

It wasn’t until I was sitting at the dinner table with my husband on Friday night that the pieces of the puzzle came together.  He helped me to realize that I was just having hard time recognizing myself these days.

I was mourning the loss of a social life that came along with working in a really fun office with really wonderful people.  I was mourning the loss of a job that I had once considered “perfect.”  It was like ending a blissful relationship only because you wanted kids and he didn’t – there was no lack of chemistry, just an unclear future.  I had given up a lot.

Simultaneously, I was trying to embrace this new role in life.  I was struggling to celebrate the changes that being a mom had caused – both physically and emotionally – and, I was trying desperately to not tie these two monumental things together with a big ol’ bow of resentment……”I gave up a great job to have a baby, and now I am too fat to fit in a dress.”

The truth is, my life is richer now than it has ever been.  I could go back to work at any time, and likely pick up right where I left off – but, I choose not to.  I choose to spend 7 days a week, 24 hours a day with DJ because she is worth it.  I choose to be a SAHM because it matters to me that she has what I didn’t growing up.  I choose to invest my time in a pooping, coo’ing, slobbering baby because I believe the reward will far outweigh any of MY growing pains.

So, while friendships evolve and dress sizes change, one thing remains constant – I am head over heels in love with my daughter and wouldn’t have it any other way.

(Oh, and I just pulled an old dress from my closet.  With the right shoes, my hips should look just fine).